I make space for what is next for me

The other day my roommate walked into the living room in a neon green shirt and asked me did I like it.

No. Not at all. Do you like it?

She’d had it in her closet for years and had never worn it once.

I’ve been trying to wear more color.

The brightest color I’ve ever seen you wear is navy. This color feels like you’re trying to be a totally different person.

Just because it’s already here doesn’t mean you’re bonded to it for life. You want to wear more color, my neutral queen? My autumnal goddess? Walk through aisles asking for something to call to you. Just look at what you’ve bought yourself recently, burnt umber, mustard, even right now you’re in a maroon I love.

When we discover we’ve outgrown someone or something, the biggest gift we can give them is freedom. And to use the awareness to seek what is more aligned for us.

Don’t force yourself to go backwards just because they’re here. It is a disservice to the world to dim your light and become resentful.

The kindest thing you can do is to set them free into the world to find someone who gives them the best life possible. Someone who is waiting to love them.

It is the privilege of age and growth to look back at what no longer serves and allow yourself to grow past it, to move on and to kiss goodbye with a fond farewell anything that you part with along the way. Honor the breakup.

I see your value, I release you back into the world, and I make space for what is next for me.

Lately I’ve been making friends with my jealousy

Oh and isn’t she happy to have my love.
It’s certainly taken me long enough.

Years of pushing her away, declaring that she wasn’t good enough.
That what she had to say was bad and wrong.
When all she wanted to do was

Illuminate my desires.

Oh you’re jealous of the way he’s touching her? Sweet perfection. It’ll make a gorgeous request.

Jealous of the ease with which she explains herself? Wow, I’ve never thought to practice that before.

The view out that window? Ah, and now I know the kind of landscape where I want to live.

All the sensations and messages of the body are here to gift me their wisdom. My jealousy most of all.

Tell me what turns me on, remind me I don’t have it. Yet.
Yet.

Knowing what it is. That’s the first step to attaining my hearts desire.
Thank you jealousy,
My beautiful friend,
It’s so lovely to have you back.

Seatbelts

My ineffective little human hand reaching across your chest. 
Mine and your parents and your friends and all us mere humans with our 
puncturable skins whispering to the universe.

please god don’t hurt this. 

A clown car of guardian angels fighting for shotgun. 

When I count up all my blessings

I count you twice
And then twice more
I leave a full blessing for 

1: your willingness to let
2: your breath catch and rattle in my
3: hearing ears, and on my
4: unbroken skin, with that
5: bite mark from before

What a gift.

I Get To Write Something About Grief

Something massively imperfect, painfully sappy, and woefully inadequate.

Because I feel it.

sore in my chest
puffy in my eyes
crusted shut when I woke this morning
breathless and sweaty

from dreaming of him again.

Exhausted from the booby trap of popular music,
full of it’s
missing you’s
and
it’ll never be how it was’s

Stumbling around looking for something, some thing.
To do what? To help? To fix?
Fix what, death? That’s not real.
To help what, missing?

Missing you is what I get to do. My birthright. The program running in the background for the next 70 years, should I be so lucky.

If I’ve learned anything from the last 10 years it’s that not every day feels like this.

Like
lack,
bereft,
like my face is the gravel beneath my own feet.
like my body is rearranged with the heart where my ankles have always been and my hands live in my mouth now. Re-learning how to walk, read a map, order tea, make sense of my surroundings.

And feeling embarrassed and alone. At constant risk of melting into tears. A fully grown liability.

And trying to hold on to the one thing that brings my body back to earth.

Gratitude.

I’m grateful you were here.
I’m grateful you made me.
I’m grateful you listened and cared and read and wrote and left me all the gifts I have in this life.

Breath in, breath out.

Grateful.
I’m grateful you were here.
I’m grateful you made me.
I’m grateful you stayed as long as you could.

Breath in, breath out.

Grateful.
I’m grateful you were here.
I’m grateful you made me.
Grateful.

Happy 10-years, Dad. I hope you’re outrageously comfortable, riding bikes, doing LSD at concerts, taking long dumps, and reading endless biographies.

I love you and I miss you. See you not-so-soon.

I Want to Give Myself the World

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Sometimes instagram is just snack food, but sometimes it is the medicine and the messenger of the universe.

…the question should never be ‘What is the least amount of effort I can give to myself so that I’ll stop being a problem?’ The question is always ‘What do I have the capacity to give? How can I give myself the fullness of what I have to offer?’ I want to give myself the world.

@frankiedoodledandy

Now I’m historically not a great cook. I forget to use salt and pepper, I’ll happily just eat an avocado with Everything But The Bagel seasoning and call it dinner. 

But tonight I laid outside and read until I got hungry. And then I looked up what I can make with the half a cabbage in the fridge and I roasted it to sweet perfection. I even made a sauce! With multiple ingredients, that required using an additional pan. And added mustard because I’m worth it.

I treated myself like someone I’m trying to woo like whoa. And let me tell you how loved I feel. The warmth and the sweetness. It felt like a big delicious hug. That was probably the best date I’ve ever been on. It just happened to be with and by me. 

Welcome back to my channel

Or welcome afresh! Who am I to pretend to know what series of life events has brought you here? But either way I’m honored and flattered to have the opportunity to delight you on this day.

It is with many diverse feelings that I return to these pages again.

If you’re a person who follows me quite closely then you’ll know that this year I took a pretty scary leap. After 10 years of messing around as an amateur sexual health educator and body-positivist, I took a step towards being the person I wanted to become in 2011 when I started writing here. I enrolled in the Vita sex, love & relationship coaching program.

And holy shift did it feel so good. To be in spaces where we were having deep conversations about boundaries, pleasure, and the heart of tantra; the holiness and worthiness of all bodies and experiences.

Learning about the power of breathwork, meditation, inner child healing, and gaining new understandings of the tools I had been unwittingly using lo these many years; space holding, active listening, mirroring.

So now I’m back here, paging through the writings of a much younger self who, blessedly, I mostly agree with.

So if you’re new to these pages then be forewarned that anything farther back than this may be questionable, outdated or even offensive. The writings and learnings of a girl confronting the ways colonization, religion and patriarchy have been taking from us without asking consent first.

But know that what came before, and whatever comes after is written in the service of, well, service. For the woman who hates the way her thighs rub together, or the high schooler who isn’t quite sure they fit the identity their friends seem to want to see.

I’m here as a reminder that there is no wrong way to be you. That the only right thing to like is whatever or whoever you authentically do, regardless of what kinds of relationships or clothes or clubs your friends are in.

So I’m here for the questions, the concerns and the fears. The “Is it weird that I’m straight but I want to try anal?” No, just remember to read up and to relax first. I’m here to hear about that part of your body you think is bad, broken or wrong. I have to warn you I’ll be pretty hard to convince though. And I’ll also be here with the tools and anatomical drawings to help you see the perfection in every piece of your body and your desires.

And most of all I’m here to coach. To jump into the pit and be with you in the inquiries, and to find a path out of the darkness together. I’m really excited about it. And I’m even more excited knowing that you’ll be there with me.

If you’re curious about what a coaching relationship can create in your life you can schedule a discovery call with me here. I can’t wait to see what we will create together!

Phalophillic

I’m straight like it’s a kink. 
Like a sex doll
Kiera knightley up on a high schoolers wall.

Loving them the way I do. 
Like Tom of Finland
Leather and chest hair
Performance and peacocking.

I see those great big feet
That biggest toe like an onion 
with a sprinkle of hair on it.

And something in me becomes fully engorged. 
And I know just what I love. 

Next Time Around

What was so hard about ending my last relationship was that my intuition knew it was time to leave before my body understood why. So I had this long period of waffling on whether the decision was right, changing my mind, reaching out to him. I think it was really painful for both of us.

Recently I feel a lot clearer about it.

And one of the things that’s really helped is running across qualities that I get to have in my next relationship.

Playful

Adventurous

Silly

Men with these qualities pop into my day and I’m drawn to them like a thirsty fittonia glimpsing water for the first time in years.

Oh, this too can be for me.

And it can. It feels so good.

So Perfect

Last night I turned down some work. It wasn’t exactly on purpose and it didn’t feel good at the time.

Not until I cooked myself dinner and lunches for the week, took a bath, repotted a plant, washed my hair to beautiful perfect curly perfection!

And then today I came into work and saw the faces of everyone who was here last night. Not listening to each other, forgetting things. Overtired.

I’m so glad I gave myself a night off in the middle of a crazy work week! I deserve it!

What is the perfection I’m not seeing?

There is always something. It’s not about seeing a silver lining in a cloudy storm. It’s about seeing absolute perfection, joy.

Why is this perfect for me right now?

It’s perfect for me and for the people I’m keeping safe by having my head on straight.

I’m so lucky. It’s so perfect.