Menstrual Cups and Self-Ed

11 Apr

I would really like for my menstrual cup to be good at catching blood.

It was sold to me as “12 hours, no leaks!” but my experience so far has been a non-stop stain-a-thon. Every once in a while I emerge from the bathroom “This time it’s going to be different. This time I finally figured it out!” but it never seems to stick.

People keep asking me why I’m still trying to make it work after 5 years of constant failure.

Answer number one is simple and true “I really would like my period to be a carbon neutral event. I don’t like constantly buying and throwing away tampons. I need a better solution.”

But the deeper answer is something I didn’t expect.

This month in trying to get the damn thing to work I discovered that my cervix is more conical than the donut shape I always imagined it as.

And you know how in books they say your cervix will “feel like the tip of your nose” [x]

It totally does! It feels exactly like the tip of your nose!

How cool is that?!

So, my menstrual cup might suck at being a menstrual cup, but it’s pretty great at making me think about bodies in a new way. And so for that I’ll be grateful. And that’s even better.

Stop The World, I Want Off

6 Apr

Last night I went out with the cast.

Sort of.

I left the theater with the cast.

Walked to the restaurant with the cast.

Did a lap at the restaurant, decided I didn’t want to be trapped behind a table and walked right back out.

Don’t settle. don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you’re not on the right path, get off it.
– CHRIS BROGAN [x]

STI Check

4 Apr

Just in case you’re nervous you have something.

Get tested.

Being worried you have something is hard.

Actually having something is usually treatable.

Female Friends and Funny

30 Mar

I love “Inside Amy Schumer

One of the things I love about it is that I don’t find all of it funny.

There’s the political stuff that I love. There’s some really funny rape critical stuff, stuff about body shame, stuff about life as a woman.

But then there’s puke stuff. Because some women find puke jokes fucking hilarious. And Amy Schumer is one of those women. I suppose there’s a chance that that material is “whats gonna bring in male viewers” but that’s a lot of pressure to put on one sketch per episode.

Similarly, I love watching Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart riff off each other because they are damn funny women. And because when they aren’t hindered by a studio, or a man breathing down their necks they spend their time trying to make the funniest person they know (each other) laugh harder than they just did.

And that passes the Bechdel test with ease.

2017 Survival Guide

14 Mar

Watch tv shows with great soundtracks

Write postcards to reps and friends

Make beautiful things

Take work you like

Write a long letter to your shrink

Buy good-smelling dry shampoo

Thanks For Looking Out

9 Mar

As a good single millennial I have an Okcupid profile. And that profile is exactly as brazen as this blog is. Exactly. As. Brazen.

I am firmly of the belief that the greatest purpose of the Online part of Online Dating is the weeding-out part.

I want to put the things that are going to offend the religious and sex negative at the very top. If my existence would send them screaming, better they should run screaming from a webpage that portends to represent my existence and spare me from having to see/hear their cries, I just don’t have the time.

file-mar-04-9-11-26-am

How this man has offended me. Let me count the ways.

You care about me? You’re just telling me this because u care about me so much? And all this care is because you’re a fellow (lowercase) jew? Because, what, knowing that fact about me suddenly makes me your little sister?

Also, you’re the run around player? I truly have a hard time imagining that. And what decade are you living in? Run around player? Seriously?

And what exactly is it you’re trying to warn me against? Is it that no man in the universe (grave, very grave) would want a serious relationship – point blank? That’s what your words are saying, but A) have you met any men? and B) if that’s what you were thinking about then why would you send your grave concern to me?

More likely what you were attempting to say (though perhaps you should quit using words, like forever) is that no guy in the universe would ever have a serious relationship with me because I am a woman who mentions sex.

Really, what you’re telling me is that you are a guy who would “bullshit” and say you are interested in something serious as a way to do what exactly? Be Runaround Sue?

You’re also telling me that you would never be with a woman who talked to you about the sex you were theoretically having with her, which tells me that you are… what is the polite way to say this? Horrible in bed, so unable-to-learn-from-your-mistakes bad that there was no reason for a woman to waste her breath giving you notes. We’ve all been there. You’re right, such a player.

Also, “I will tell u.” I will tell u? U will tell me what? You’ve lived inside your body for 37 years which gives you the authority to curb my behavior on behalf of all men? Did you run a PPP Poll? Half the planet has given you their blessing, want you to be their voice, they nominated you to nit pick at women’s behavior on the internet?

And “I’m that guy so please don’t be offended.” I burn. Don’t be offended? Are you five years old? I’m offended that your alleged player-ness makes you feel that you have the right to police my behavior.

Because it does not.

And one more thing about sex. Just because it makes me happy to talk about sex and it makes you unhappy to read it. In BDSM there’s this practice that I think is a bit silly where if you talk about a Dom/sub relationship a lot of people use a capital ‘D’ and a lowercase ‘s’ because the Dom is big and strong and the sub is meek.

“Im the run around player and i will tell u” No. Absolutely not.

Peanut, Peanut Butter And Jelly

7 Mar

I shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that in my life the most right-wing group is Parents of my Friends.

My friends are largely white people who grew up in Not-NYC (my pet name for the part of America west of the Hudson River) and left their family to come here. It makes sense that the families they left behind might be… behind.

I love this video for it’s simplicity.

But also for it’s implication that this video is for the parents of adults. Because they need help.