All The Media

10 Aug

On a recent episode of pop culture happy hour a host was talking about how she could tell which episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale were directed by men and which ones were by women by their rape scenes. Most episodes in the series have them and if they made you feel ill then they were directed by women.

And when she said that I realized why Get Out was such an effective movie.

I struggle with how to keep this blog relevant for an intersectional audience. With all the privilege I carry around.

How do I make sure I’m being the change I wish to see? For everyone.

I guess step one is consuming and creating media in which people tell stories that make me feel that feeling. That even though I may never be at risk for an experience, I can see, smell and taste it, that it can turn my stomach too. And I can acknowledge simultaneously that I’m not at risk for it and that no one else should be either.

Please Do A Little Of The Work

8 Aug

I know I seem like I don’t want to hang out with you. But its because I feel like you always want me to do all the emotional labor for our time together.

You want me to find a time that works with both of our schedules.

You want me to pick where we go.

You need me to remind you that morning.

And give you directions because you didn’t think to look up the address in advance.

And I hate this because on the one hand those are sort of my favorite things. I love playing tetris with schedules and suggesting we go to this cool thing I heard about. It feels like a love language that I can serenade you with.

And when I feel like you’re abusing that, then this isn’t a friendship anymore. When I feel like you can’t speak back to me in it, cant appreciate my labor or cant be bothered to do the same for me in return, then it hurts so deeply.

So I dare you to do it. I tell you

“I would love to hang out with you.

I place on your shoulders the task of finding a where and when.”

And you fail. And it breaks my heart-You must not love me at all.

 

I Play A Game

3 Aug

Can I tell you a secret? There’s a little game I’ve been playing with myself.

I give myself points every time I do a good thing, a mitzvah, a thing I’m proud of.

And those points are redeemable in acts of self-love.

I treated myself to a healthy homemade lunch and also a fancy dinner with lots of sauces.

I ate 3 mini brownies on Thursday.

I told a guy I liked that I liked him.

I painted my nails.

I took myself to yoga.

When I do things I respect I think I’m worthy of love. And then I give that love to myself.

When other people do things I respect I think they’re worthy of my love. And similarly deliver. Easy simple rules.

I’ma Do Me, Thanks Though

1 Aug

I’ve been told that grown-ups befriend their exes. In a way that makes me feel like I’m a failure for not always choosing to do that.

But there are really good reasons to not be friends.

If you still have feels, if you still live in a world where you can imagine being in love with that person, then you should not be friends with your ex, no matter what anyone tells you. You don’t need to put yourself in the friend zone. That isn’t friendship, it’s torturing yourself. You shouldn’t put your friends in the uncomfortable situation of having to help you stay there. You shouldn’t be in a place where you’re unhappy just to make someone else feel better. Ever.

So be you. And be you without this person. Because that can be a happier, better you and that’s worth everything. At least for now.

How Excited Are You For Adult Summer Break?

3 Jul

a) I’m gonna tan all day and have sex all night!

b) If I go north will it get colder?

c) The gym has more AC than my apartment. LESSER OF TWO EVILS.

d) How do you cook things without making any heat? Raw diet?

This Is The Story Of A Girl

29 Jun

The story of a girl who was treated really really well by a boy. She was 20, he was 25. It lasted 2 months. A year later he married someone else.

The first night they spent together she said “I don’t really like penetrative sex.” They didn’t do it the whole summer except for when she suggested it.

She said her feet hurt one night. Every night from then on he gave her his seat when she arrived.

When she said she was sad they worked so much they never went on real dates he grabbed some goldfish and said they should go on a walk/picnic.

When his alarm went off and scared her he changed the tone of it before the next day.

One summer, one sweet man, treating her like a person taught her what it meant to say no and have it be heard. Taught her what it feels like when your chest expands to fit the size of a bigger, better heart. It means that now she can turn down personal and professional offers that aren’t good enough for her or give her a bad feeling.

Anyone can be that teacher. Anyone can raise the bar on how someone expects to be treated. All you have to do is bring your A-game.

Cause He’s Watching And He’s Proud

27 Jun

I’ve had this sneaking suspicion for as long as I can remember, that my nature was my dads and my nurture was my moms.

And I felt somewhat guilty about this. Like I was betraying… both of them?

But on Mothers day, at brunch my mom said it out loud.

Now I want to be clear.

Often I write uncomfortable things here, things about how satisfying crying can be, or the depth of grief. And people try to console me. My mother and my friends and the guys I date reach out to make sure I’m ok.

The amazing thing is that I usually get that sort of treatment about stories which are joyous in my own head. That revelation about crying was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. It changed my life in such a positive way. And yet, lots of people used it as an opportunity to tell me they were here for me, seemingly completely missing the point.

So let me say right here that when my mom told me “She’s always been more her dads side of the family” it felt so good, such a relief. I wasn’t harboring fugitive feelings anymore. I was right, I was alert and aware. Not to mention a daughter of my father, which also feels good.

I don’t like sitting through movies. I get bored when people don’t express themselves using the full capacity of the english language, I enjoy writing with wit and poignance. I’m my fathers daughter.