Gender

Phalophillic

I’m straight like it’s a kink. 
Like a sex doll
Kiera knightley up on a high schoolers wall.

Loving them the way I do. 
Like Tom of Finland
Leather and chest hair
Performance and peacocking.

I see those great big feet
That biggest toe like an onion 
with a sprinkle of hair on it.

And something in me becomes fully engorged. 
And I know just what I love. 

Confidence, Dating

Next Time Around

What was so hard about ending my last relationship was that my intuition knew it was time to leave before my body understood why. So I had this long period of waffling on whether the decision was right, changing my mind, reaching out to him. I think it was really painful for both of us.

Recently I feel a lot clearer about it.

And one of the things that’s really helped is running across qualities that I get to have in my next relationship.

Playful

Adventurous

Silly

Men with these qualities pop into my day and I’m drawn to them like a thirsty fittonia glimpsing water for the first time in years.

Oh, this too can be for me.

And it can. It feels so good.

Theater

So Perfect

Last night I turned down some work. It wasn’t exactly on purpose and it didn’t feel good at the time.

Not until I cooked myself dinner and lunches for the week, took a bath, repotted a plant, washed my hair to beautiful perfect curly perfection!

And then today I came into work and saw the faces of everyone who was here last night. Not listening to each other, forgetting things. Overtired.

I’m so glad I gave myself a night off in the middle of a crazy work week! I deserve it!

What is the perfection I’m not seeing?

There is always something. It’s not about seeing a silver lining in a cloudy storm. It’s about seeing absolute perfection, joy.

Why is this perfect for me right now?

It’s perfect for me and for the people I’m keeping safe by having my head on straight.

I’m so lucky. It’s so perfect.

Dating

My Little Love Slut Self

I have a story that I’m easy to cancel on. Easy to forget. Easy to pass over. That you “always” cancel on me. That the excuses are real but somehow the manifestation is born of not caring about me.

This, of course, is ridiculous.

Well, only as ridiculous as a feeling can be. It isn’t fact. It isn’t even reasonable. Especially considering how awesome I am.

It isn’t fact. I get to work on remembering that in the moment.

And I get to be gentle with myself when I forget. Because scared, hurt me is important and deserving of love too.

Love

Love, Loss and February

I can feel the summer fading from my lips, my throat, the backs of my knuckles, the soil. Sucking the moisture out of everything.

Amaryllis cracks and coagulates crimson. Withers ‘gainst the twine.

It will bloom again, stronger than before.

But first it gets to droop, droop, drop.

We get to mourn the loss for a while.

And then we stop.

Friendship, Sex

Happy Fashion Week To Both Of Us

How is it so different and so the same? A few years gone by since last we touched, last I decided to trust you. The answer is obvious. Me. I’m different. Transformed, transfigured.

You much the same. Trading on mystery. Charm. I feel more heard in your arms than I have. But I always remembered that about you, sought it in others, came up disappointed. The only way to have a partner. A leo happy to fall in line and follow me. Ears always perked for the hair on my back to indicate danger.

The quickest way to earn my trust; pause, check in, kick my ass. Your hands, your accent, your hair. I’m a honey lazy river for your growl.

You think about me.

I know because you tell me.

Call it stroking my ego.

But you’re actually dancing with me in cloud space. Foreplay 3,000 miles away.

Each of us painting on different sides of the same vellum. Two artists sharing the same work, folding down the page to cover what has been drawn before,

At the bottom of my lines you should draw feet.

Who is to call it dangerous if it’s supportive and oh so healing. Grounding and revelatory. Intimacy rediscovered, reimagined.

Confidence

I Can Do Anything

I have a story that I don’t drive.

But you know what,

Driving isn’t like doing a back hand spring or hearing ghosts. It’s not a thing I’m (currently!) incapable of. It’s a choice to do a scary thing and then not quit until it’s complete.

And I’m great at committing to things until they no longer serve me. I’ve proven that.

So this weekend I drove.

I rented a car.

I put my name and my name alone down for the insurance, ensuring that I’d be the only person on the trip who drove.

I drove at night.

I drove on highways and on windy country roads.

I drove with my brights on!

I drove past deer!

I drove in thick white fog.

And you know what, when I got scared I just slowed down and kept going.

I brought myself down to a speed where I could feel comfortable keeping on keeping on.

I got lost.

I got found.

I got me and my loves home safe and sound.

So that’s part 1. Part 2 is that contributing this very specific gift to the weekend meant that it felt easy to not contribute other things. To know that I was doing enough, giving enough, and could choose to take care of myself instead of wearing myself thin. To take a nap before a long late drive even though everyone else was cleaning.

I’m grateful that I had the guts to get a license, to rent a car, to do all the little steps I had been telling myself I couldn’t do.

Because, why?

I can do anything.

Just as long as I don’t tell myself I can’t.

Friendship, Relationships

Here To Hear Me

Forever ago I saw a thing that rings through my head only all the time.

Strong people don’t have needs.

And other lies that can kill you.

I think about this all the time. Really any time I have a need this pops into my head. Usually after a complete shit-storm of self judgement.

Why do you have so many needs? Why can’t you be easy?

No one is going to love you if you’re this high maintenance.

It reverberates through every request I make of a coworker, lover, or friend.

Why do you think having needs is such a bad thing?

Needs are bad! They are like sugar building cavities every minute. They spoil you!

Stop being a martyr. You’re a human. Humans need things.

I want to be better!

Than what? The best you is still human. And the humans you love the most are the ones who allow you to support them when they’re in need.

Pulling the requests from my mouth hurts more than pulling teeth. But unlike dental work more practice improves the experience. Which is good. The more I call out what I want the more it comes to me. So I better get some practice at asking for what I want.

Surround yourself with people who are here to hear your requests. And let go of the ones who try to convince you that your needs are a burden. They are not here to see you grow and fly.

Here to hear you is a good place to start.

Bodies, Self-Care, Sex

Bragging On A Dare

I had a divine, beautiful evening tonight.

Today someone requested a “clit pic” from me. I’ve never heard of such a thing and was immediately reactive;

Gross

How would I even?

That wouldn’t be fun

My camera sucks

So reactive that I decided-who cares whether I send it to anyone-I get to assign this challenge to myself.

So when I got home I sipped a little bubbly kombucha, lit a few candles, put on a playlist, and I had a photoshoot with myself.

And it was super fun! And I even liked a few of the pictures I took! I was shocked!

Then I decided to up the ante. I reached out to a few other goddesses I know and told them about my night.

Oh, yeah, we send those to each other all the time! Here are a few of our favorites!

I’m in awe. I brag that I dive into things that make me uncomfortable.

I brag that I surround myself with people who impress and push me every day.

I brag that I’m sexy and I know it.