You’re So Sweet To Me

7 May

My mom used to say “I just want you to find someone to love.”

My partner tells me “You are so sweet to me. You are being so sweet to me.”

It turns out that I enjoy being gushy. I enjoy being a completely goofy romantic. There are so many fun sweet things to say and do and make.

With no fear that I’m going to be laughed at. With no fear that I’m going to be misunderstood.

I want to give that ooey gooey melty center to someone who knows what it means, what it costs, what the associated fears are.

I love getting to be that drippy heart, it’s such a treat to get to show it on my sleeve. It takes a lot of practice to feel comfortable being that person in front of someone, even when it’s so graciously and appreciatively received. It is shockingly hard to push that edge for myself. But I can feel it already being so worth it.

Laughing at Thunder

1 Apr

In Judaism you don’t tell anyone you’re pregnant until as late as possible. Don’t brag, don’t count on chickens before they hatch. A flood isn’t out of the question, Nothing is guaranteed in this life.

Don’t smile too loudly. The heavens might hear you and smite you down.

Maybe other people or peoples have that too. That superstitious streak. That abandonment. That cope.

So what do you do when that cope becomes a curse? How do you break yourself of the habit when something comes along so wonderful that it’s cruel to hide it from the world?

Can you adopt a totally different unified theory of everything? Switch from blaming Fates and Bad Air to preaching Germ theory.

I imagine instead of a straight jacket it would be like a light sundress. Casually, tossing over my shoulder “I’m in love with the most beautiful man in the world and I don’t care who knows it.”

Because it feels amazing to say true things. And I am.

I Wanted To Take A Bath

3 Dec

So I took off my clothes and started filling the tub.

I set out a few candles around the bathroom; the sink, the window ledge, the toilet tank. I turned off the overhead and lit a match, moving from one candle to the next enjoying the rushing sound of the filling bath.

I turned my back to the sink with its three evenly spaced candles to pick some music for my soak and my gaze was met by curves descending like vines from the ceiling. When I moved they moved. My body, my hourglass, my S curves in triplicate, projected larger than life onto gleaming white tile.

I threw on something slow and watched my body in kaleidoscope. Twisting and turning, one curve turning into another, coming to a point, revealing itself to be a shoulder, a nipple, a hip.

I moved around the room and saw myself on all walls. Here, looking like three backup singers in impressive synchronicity. There, looking like one body as seen by a drunk three-eyed observer, gently rolling in and out of focus with herself.

A non-strip non-tease for an audience of herself plus water and fire. A sister goddess indeed.

Perfectly Themselves

6 Nov

I’m leaving this here as a reminder for myself.

Let people unfold in your presence.

Meet them where they are.

I Love My Body

8 Oct

This is very effective advertising. I will be watching this show.

Making Gold

23 Jul

This weeks sermon comes to you from having your own personal crisis in the most seemingly hostile of environments. And living. And learning that you can do that and not only be fine, but better than you were before. Absorbing rejection and living anyway, to realize that you can make it through anything. You can experience your worst fears and get confirmation on your cruelest thoughts about yourself and still wake up the next morning.

And if you are lucky then you get to the next morning and look around at the people who were there with you and you get to be grateful for them and love them harder than before. It may have been your worst day but it still wasn’t the worst day you could have had. Because you didn’t have to do it alone. And the people who supported you are not always the ones you expect. Maybe you have a family you never knew about before. People who help you climb by picking your feet up and placing them where they need to go. And people who listen and give zero advice, just hear and reflect back.

These are the things you learn from having the worst day imaginable in the most hostile environment imaginable.

That you are the strongest you imaginable.

When They Say They Have A Crush On You

2 Jul

Believe them.

Take the yes, don’t accuse them of lying. Gracefully accept the love.