2017 Survival Guide

14 Mar

Watch tv shows with great soundtracks

Write postcards to reps and friends

Make beautiful things

Take work you like

Write a long letter to your shrink

Buy good-smelling dry shampoo

Thanks For Looking Out

9 Mar

As a good single millennial I have an Okcupid profile. And that profile is exactly as brazen as this blog is. Exactly. As. Brazen.

I am firmly of the belief that the greatest purpose of the Online part of Online Dating is the weeding-out part.

I want to put the things that are going to offend the religious and sex negative at the very top. If my existence would send them screaming, better they should run screaming from a webpage that portends to represent my existence and spare me from having to see/hear their cries, I just don’t have the time.

file-mar-04-9-11-26-am

How this man has offended me. Let me count the ways.

You care about me? You’re just telling me this because u care about me so much? And all this care is because you’re a fellow (lowercase) jew? Because, what, knowing that fact about me suddenly makes me your little sister?

Also, you’re the run around player? I truly have a hard time imagining that. And what decade are you living in? Run around player? Seriously?

And what exactly is it you’re trying to warn me against? Is it that no man in the universe (grave, very grave) would want a serious relationship – point blank? That’s what your words are saying, but A) have you met any men? and B) if that’s what you were thinking about then why would you send your grave concern to me?

More likely what you were attempting to say (though perhaps you should quit using words, like forever) is that no guy in the universe would ever have a serious relationship with me because I am a woman who mentions sex.

Really, what you’re telling me is that you are a guy who would “bullshit” and say you are interested in something serious as a way to do what exactly? Be Runaround Sue?

You’re also telling me that you would never be with a woman who talked to you about the sex you were theoretically having with her, which tells me that you are… what is the polite way to say this? Horrible in bed, so unable-to-learn-from-your-mistakes bad that there was no reason for a woman to waste her breath giving you notes. We’ve all been there. You’re right, such a player.

Also, “I will tell u.” I will tell u? U will tell me what? You’ve lived inside your body for 37 years which gives you the authority to curb my behavior on behalf of all men? Did you run a PPP Poll? Half the planet has given you their blessing, want you to be their voice, they nominated you to nit pick at women’s behavior on the internet?

And “I’m that guy so please don’t be offended.” I burn. Don’t be offended? Are you five years old? I’m offended that your alleged player-ness makes you feel that you have the right to police my behavior.

Because it does not.

And one more thing about sex. Just because it makes me happy to talk about sex and it makes you unhappy to read it. In BDSM there’s this practice that I think is a bit silly where if you talk about a Dom/sub relationship a lot of people use a capital ‘D’ and a lowercase ‘s’ because the Dom is big and strong and the sub is meek.

“Im the run around player and i will tell u” No. Absolutely not.

Peanut, Peanut Butter And Jelly

7 Mar

I shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that in my life the most right-wing group is Parents of my Friends.

My friends are largely white people who grew up in Not-NYC (my pet name for the part of America west of the Hudson River) and left their family to come here. It makes sense that the families they left behind might be… behind.

I love this video for it’s simplicity.

But also for it’s implication that this video is for the parents of adults. Because they need help.

Women Wipe Front To Back

21 Feb

Let’s talk about a very different kind of self-care: If you have a vagina, you should be wiping front to back.

A friend of mine was getting a bunch of UTIs and she got some great advice from *ahem* a friend:

You wipe front to back right?

What?

When you use the bathroom and you wipe, you wipe front to back?

No, how do you even do that?

I called my mom.

Can you imagine? She didn’t know to wipe front to back.

Yes, I didn’t know either.

What!? But I remember dad reminding me when I was a kid. The only memory I have of being potty trained is him telling me “your plumbing is internal so you wipe front to back.”

Yes. I didn’t know, I got a lot of infections, a doctor told me to wipe front to back. So when I had a kid I told your dad that we were gonna teach you that.

Every time I see a Gyno for a yeast infection we have this conversation:

Do you wipe front to back

YES! WHO DOESNT?!

So there you go. If your plumbing is internal you wipe front to back. You don’t want any fecal matter in those delicate ecosystems.

 

Take Care Of Each Other

16 Feb

That’s Okay. Breathe.

9 Feb

It’s a new world out there.

A world where I spend a lot of time writing post cards to my senators, listening to political podcasts, and getting pretty depressed.

I used to feel like paying attention to politics was a hobby. Listening to Rachel Maddow an hour a day, checking in on what the white house has been up to.

Now it feels like it’s grown out of what I can handle. And now that it’s become a depressing day job I can’t handle additional heaps of upset. A few weeks ago I was given Colson Whitehead’s, The Underground Railroad. I’ve had to put it down. Now when I read something that isn’t politics it has to be light and fluffy. Which is unfortunate because that’s not really my style.

So it turns out that my self-care is much more about knitting than reading. In fact much more knitting than I anticipated it ever would be.

I’m finding that I crave it all of a sudden. I spend hours looking at patterns and yarns. Sorting through my yarn stash for what can go together, looking up new techniques.

And when I can’t scratch that itch, I get antsy. I’m a grumpy grinch.

Making Sex Normal

2 Feb