When They Say They Have A Crush On You

2 Jul

Believe them.

Take the yes, don’t accuse them of lying. Gracefully accept the love.

O Brave New World

29 Jun

Dude, did you know that men are like, nice? Like really nice. Like hug you while you cry, rub your back, not look even the slightest bit embarrassed that you’re doing this in public. – Nice.

Like looking deep into your soul and saying “You are not something to be ashamed of.” – Nice.

Like “What are you thinking when you stop your hand right above the band of my bikini?” “Just how nice your belly feels against my hand.” – Nice.

My face is so leaky because the inside of my brain is just a photo reel of all this niceness now.

How could I ever have not known this?

I must have known this?

When did I know this?

And why does it feel like such surprising news?

I love men. Some of my best friends are men. Some of my favorite people in the world are men.

So why didn’t I trust them to be this? Or to be this with me?

And how did it come to be that now I do?

No matter. Now that I’ve seen this beautiful new world I’m never going back.

Even if this person disappears, I know what how it feels to kiss someone who thinks I’m fireworks. I’m kissing people who make me feel like a beautiful burning star. That’s mine now.

I’ve Got A Beautiful Head

2 Jun

I shaved my head. Here’s why.

Last year I worked with Eve Ensler, stunning, smart, she wrote The Vagina Monologues and I met her because of her new piece, partially about her battle with cancer.

For purposes of comfort and the show she kept her hair short after her recovery. And you couldn’t get away from her beautiful face, like her eyes took up her whole head. She would jokingly say “I have no hair” and I kept thinking “of course you have hair, I’m looking at it right now. And it’s lovely.”

It was around the same time that I was falling in love with my haircut. I think each person has a perfect cut if they pay attention. Something that makes them feel like themselves and requires the right amount of care. With my undercut asymmetrical bob I found that. It made me feel fancy. I thought,

“Well great, I just need to maintain this forever!”

And then immediately vomited in my own mouth.

I kept thinking about this podcast about lawn maintenance in america, how we plant grass and we don’t let it live, keeping it in an unnatural life cycle, we mow it and mow it and mow it, keeping it in adolescence forever.  Michael Pollen wrote “Lawns are nature purged of sex and death.”

Hair grows. That’s all it does. Maintain this forever? What a chore!

I’d rather use the fact that it grows rather than run from it.

That’s when I started running the idea by a few friends and co-workers, “Is this crazy? Should I stop thinking about this?”

“Well you’re thinking about it a lot, so it sounds like you really want to do it and you should.”

Then the final straw.

My hair finally made it into a ponytail for the first time in years. I looked in the mirror and realized;

I’m going to look beautiful.

And that’s when we got out the clippers.

And I was right. I do look beautiful.

Be My New Friend

23 May

I keep going to these things; holiday parties, housewarmings, yoga, birthdays.

I meet these wonderful women; supportive, kind, beautiful, open hearted. And I spend the rest of the evening gushing with these women about men and work and family, falling out of shoes, our feelings about eyeliner and our butts. And we exchange texts later about how much we want to be real life friends when this night is over.

It’s wonderful and always serves as a reminder that there is a big world of kindness out there.

Friendship doesn’t have to be built on hating the same things. It can be built on just simple listening. Time spent noticing the kindness in someone’s face when they’re really listening to you. And endeavoring to give them the same gift in return.

It feels really good.

I want more of this.

I want more relationships that are just about supporting and being supported. It feels so nice.

Mother’s Day

15 May

The baseball players wore pink socks today.

Because obviously the color pink means “I love women” in no uncertain terms. Because women are the color pink.

On mothers day the competition should be “My mom is the greatest because X.” The players should get to individually decorate their jerseys with their moms achievements.

They should sell the players merit badges for “bandaged my knee,” and “gave up job opportunities,” “gave up other relationships,” and “moved to be in my school district.” The money raised should be donated to women’s shelters in their home states. They should compete to raise the most money. To brag about their mothers the most.

It should be the day when instead of just loving the person you love, you tell the world about how much you love the person you love.

Group issued pink socks. Feels a bit lackluster to me.

Demon Day

16 Feb

I’m a pretty independent lady. That’s the way I like it.

But sometimes

And I end up crying and walking 50 blocks at 11 o’clock at night because my future feels like 1,000 days that will feel just like this one. Endless and lonely and full of the word ‘no’.

No, you can’t eat that.

No, you can’t feel that.

No, you can’t lift that.

No, you can’t leave that.

No, you can’t tell anyone.

No, you can’t stop.

You’ve chosen this bed, now lie down and go to sleep.

And say thanks to god before you do.

Today the demons ate me and spat out a pile of bones to carry home. It wasn’t very helpful. And it seems there wasn’t anything any friend or I could do about it. Maybe I would have had more luck if I had asked more people.

But the embarrassment. The shame. The discomfort at needing instead of being needed.

Which means I’m the common denominator.

So how was I complicit in not getting the help I wanted?  And why does this keep happening? How do I do better?

Shades Of Sexy

14 Feb

The english language has many failings. Many words that should exist but don’t. Words that have dueling meanings. It’s a mess.

And the word “Sexy” is one of those failures.

The word sexy should be split into two words. There should be one word for the sexiness that happens between my eyeballs and my brain when I watch Kahl Drogo screw in a lightbulb even though he is not thinking about sex. It should be the same word that guys yell on the street when I’m walking home and thinking about whether of not I have brussels sprouts in the fridge. It should be some sort of shortened version of “You Conjure Sexiness In My Mind!”

Like when people say “You’re so cute when you’re mad.” Well I don’t feel like a teddy bear right now, I feel like a hyena that would very much like to murder you.

It should be a different word from the other sexy. The sexy I feel for the first 3 minutes of any time I wear heels. The way I feel when I go to sleep in a cashmere sweater and nothing else. The way Beyonce feels between her body and her brain when she’s dancing in her music videos.

There’s you thinking he’s sexy because he’s changing this tire and he’s really annoyed and all but his arms look damn good covered in grease. And there’s him feeling sexy because he’s watching the candlelight dance across the ceiling.

Objectification is only fun when the second feeling is also present.

Sometimes we think that the second feeling, the inside sexy is also present in our partner when it isn’t yet. And that’s why we have mouths to ask. How does this make you feel? What do you want to do? Are your toes cold? Are you comfortable?

So do it. Just ask. It’ll be fun. It’ll be fine.