Demon Day

16 Feb

I’m a pretty independent lady. That’s the way I like it.

But sometimes

And I end up crying and walking 50 blocks at 11 o’clock at night because my future feels like 1,000 days that will feel just like this one. Endless and lonely and full of the word ‘no’.

No, you can’t eat that.

No, you can’t feel that.

No, you can’t lift that.

No, you can’t leave that.

No, you can’t tell anyone.

No, you can’t stop.

You’ve chosen this bed, now lie down and go to sleep.

And say thanks to god before you do.

Today the demons ate me and spat out a pile of bones to carry home. It wasn’t very helpful. And it seems there wasn’t anything any friend or I could do about it. Maybe I would have had more luck if I had asked more people.

But the embarrassment. The shame. The discomfort at needing instead of being needed.

Which means I’m the common denominator.

So how was I complicit in not getting the help I wanted?  And why does this keep happening? How do I do better?

Shades Of Sexy

14 Feb

The english language has many failings. Many words that should exist but don’t. Words that have dueling meanings. It’s a mess.

And the word “Sexy” is one of those failures.

The word sexy should be split into two words. There should be one word for the sexiness that happens between my eyeballs and my brain when I watch Kahl Drogo screw in a lightbulb even though he is not thinking about sex. It should be the same word that guys yell on the street when I’m walking home and thinking about whether of not I have brussels sprouts in the fridge. It should be some sort of shortened version of “You Conjure Sexiness In My Mind!”

Like when people say “You’re so cute when you’re mad.” Well I don’t feel like a teddy bear right now, I feel like a hyena that would very much like to murder you.

It should be a different word from the other sexy. The sexy I feel for the first 3 minutes of any time I wear heels. The way I feel when I go to sleep in a cashmere sweater and nothing else. The way Beyonce feels between her body and her brain when she’s dancing in her music videos.

There’s you thinking he’s sexy because he’s changing this tire and he’s really annoyed and all but his arms look damn good covered in grease. And there’s him feeling sexy because he’s watching the candlelight dance across the ceiling.

Objectification is only fun when the second feeling is also present.

Sometimes we think that the second feeling, the inside sexy is also present in our partner when it isn’t yet. And that’s why we have mouths to ask. How does this make you feel? What do you want to do? Are your toes cold? Are you comfortable?

So do it. Just ask. It’ll be fun. It’ll be fine.

Is It Okay To Hit On Me

8 Feb

This video gives me so much hope.

A lot of people are worried about this (as they ANNOYINGLY call it) “#MeToo moment”.

Dr. Lindsey Doe gives me so much hope for the way we’ll be able to talk about sex and desire when young people are brought up in a consent culture. When we’ve done the hard work of rooting out harmful lessons we’ve spent our lives learning, breaking our bad habits and investing in rehabilitation.

Context and intent are so important. Sexuality is for adding to life, not distracting or derailing existing life.

You’ll Find Yourself Wherever You Go

31 Jan

I’m an extrovert. More than may be fashionable in my peergroup of millennials.

I spend a lot of time with people and that’s the way I like it.

but I took a trip recently and realized that what I most wanted was to get away from everyone in my life, not talk to a single person I already knew for 10 days and see if by the end of it I was the same person.

If ALL I have is me, do I choose to still be me? Do I change completely? Start wanting new things, having new dreams?

Am I only made up of the choices that have brought me to this point, or is there some essential self that will be the same no matter where I am?

How do I move without running?

Head Space

8 Jan

You know that moment in magic-y, thriller-y , sci-fi-antasy movies where the guy is like

Bend the spoon with your mind!

And Neo is like

Are you crazy? I can’t bend a spoon with my mind!

And the other guy is like

Don’t tell me you can’t do it. Don’t think about it, just do it!

And then he does it!?

That’s how I feel in a really good yoga class. If I stop thinking about how or why or whether I can do it then suddenly I can do things that are otherwise impossible. It’s magical, that feeling when you get an instruction and then your body does it without having to consult your brain. That reminder that your body is a thing that you can run around and play in, stretch and bend. The form of it isn’t bound by anything, not even your brain. Not even your imagination.

Your body can run off in the playground of someone else’s fantasy too.

The world is full of people who can tap you into that subspace where your body leads and your brain follows. Go find them!


20 Nov

From the podcast On Being.

MS. SANDBERG: I mean, Adam looked at me and said, “You should think about how things could be worse.” And I thought to myself, “Dave just died suddenly. How can things be worse?” And he said, “He could’ve had that cardiac arrhythmia driving your children.” I mean, in that instant, to this day, when I say that, I feel better. I’m like, OK my kids are alive. I’m fine. Literally. Because think about the devastation I felt with Dave, and the devastation of losing all three of them in one instant, which happens. And all of a sudden, you’re better.

Since listening to that episode in April I’ve employed that tactic whenever vexed.

You’re dumping me? Breaking my heart? At least I’m not throwing up, that would make this day worse.

What good fortune that on this horrible day my family is in good health.

And on and on until you actually do feel better.

Perspective and gratitude can fix whatever ails you.

My Friend Harvey

23 Oct

Lets talk about my friend Harvey.

Harvey is in his early 30s. He’s working, seemingly never on anything in particular. It’s not like he has the power to hire and fire. He owns nothing and owes no one.

But one day he might. He wants to be someone in our industry one day.

And you and your friends have seen the way he touches women in bars. The way he hugs women at work. And no one knows quite what to say. They always seem to be making eye contact with you when he does, their eyes asking if this is ok.

So what do you say to him now, when it isn’t exactly a problem… yet. How and who do you approach or warn? You don’t like his behavior but do you take it upon yourself to point it out to him? And how do you sell it to him?

“I don’t want you to get into trouble when someone misunderstands you.”

“Why are you being that way with her?”

“Did you notice how she was pulling away from you?”

What can you do and when?