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Bar Raised

2 May

I did a really excellent thing the other day.

I ended a relationship.

Well, I think in the future we’ll agree that I just called out our friendship as the friendship that it is and cancelled the romantic effort we had layered on top of it.

I saw this post today and fell in love with it.

This last relationship taught me what it feels like to be cared for like this.

I’m so grateful for it.

Last night I was talking to a friend about this experience.

I told her that it was a hard decision to make because this guy was so caring, he’s such a wonderful partner in a way I’ve never felt from a person I was dating before.

She made me feel so wonderful about it.

She said that’s exactly what dating is for. You meet people and learn from them what you need and what you can’t stand. And then you know to look for those things in the future. You can learn how you need to be treated from your relationship with Tom, what you’re attracted to from Dick and what you can’t live without from Harry. Then you find someone who has enough of those things to be your partner.

So I consider this whole thing a huge success.

Because now I know what it feels like to be looked at like this. And that bar is raised forever.

Thanks For Looking Out

9 Mar

As a good single millennial I have an Okcupid profile. And that profile is exactly as brazen as this blog is. Exactly. As. Brazen.

I am firmly of the belief that the greatest purpose of the Online part of Online Dating is the weeding-out part.

I want to put the things that are going to offend the religious and sex negative at the very top. If my existence would send them screaming, better they should run screaming from a webpage that portends to represent my existence and spare me from having to see/hear their cries, I just don’t have the time.


How this man has offended me. Let me count the ways.

You care about me? You’re just telling me this because u care about me so much? And all this care is because you’re a fellow (lowercase) jew? Because, what, knowing that fact about me suddenly makes me your little sister?

Also, you’re the run around player? I truly have a hard time imagining that. And what decade are you living in? Run around player? Seriously?

And what exactly is it you’re trying to warn me against? Is it that no man in the universe (grave, very grave) would want a serious relationship – point blank? That’s what your words are saying, but A) have you met any men? and B) if that’s what you were thinking about then why would you send your grave concern to me?

More likely what you were attempting to say (though perhaps you should quit using words, like forever) is that no guy in the universe would ever have a serious relationship with me because I am a woman who mentions sex.

Really, what you’re telling me is that you are a guy who would “bullshit” and say you are interested in something serious as a way to do what exactly? Be Runaround Sue?

You’re also telling me that you would never be with a woman who talked to you about the sex you were theoretically having with her, which tells me that you are… what is the polite way to say this? Horrible in bed, so unable-to-learn-from-your-mistakes bad that there was no reason for a woman to waste her breath giving you notes. We’ve all been there. You’re right, such a player.

Also, “I will tell u.” I will tell u? U will tell me what? You’ve lived inside your body for 37 years which gives you the authority to curb my behavior on behalf of all men? Did you run a PPP Poll? Half the planet has given you their blessing, want you to be their voice, they nominated you to nit pick at women’s behavior on the internet?

And “I’m that guy so please don’t be offended.” I burn. Don’t be offended? Are you five years old? I’m offended that your alleged player-ness makes you feel that you have the right to police my behavior.

Because it does not.

And one more thing about sex. Just because it makes me happy to talk about sex and it makes you unhappy to read it. In BDSM there’s this practice that I think is a bit silly where if you talk about a Dom/sub relationship a lot of people use a capital ‘D’ and a lowercase ‘s’ because the Dom is big and strong and the sub is meek.

“Im the run around player and i will tell u” No. Absolutely not.

Murray’s Law

22 Dec

Lately I can’t seem to get this quote out of my head.

I’m not entirely sure it applies to people who live the life that I lead, traveling, touring, getting out and around the world regularly.

I think what he’s trying to say is that when you find someone you think might be the one then you should throw yourself into the toughest positions imaginable with them. See how you pull each other out and through.

If they can not only see you through, but improve, make amazing, a chapter of your life that could have been horrifying, then maybe they do deserve to get to see you through the rest of it.

After all, what other horrors could they make (nearly) fun. Illness, pain, grief. They might give perspective to existing family drama, old grudges or anxious situations.

A person capable of improving your perspective on the world is invaluable.

I think that’s what Murray is saying.

I’m Easy To Love

20 Dec

I need to decide right here and now, three weeks into my relationship with a beautiful, caring, giving man; that even though this may all end very shortly for very responsible reasons that this was all worth it.

This means something and it was successful. If this person doesn’t want what I want it isn’t my fault. If he chooses to spend his time on something else or with someone else, it’s not my fault. I’m not difficult. I’m easy to love.

If you love me.

I Am Waiting, Should I Be Waiting?

25 Oct

I’ve ghosted on people before. Who hasn’t? I feel like there’s an acceptable three date window of “I don’t really know you at all, we don’t need to ‘have a breakup’ for a thing that never even existed.”

I try not to do it if we’ve been seeing each other for over a month, or more than 3 times or if you seem really interested.

But lately I’ve had a few experiences of (seemingly) mutually giddy dates followed by… radio silence. It’s karma and I deserve it.

It’s also just the gentle urging onward of time.

When I choose to see it that way.

All The Red Flags

13 Oct

They just wave a big old “Hello!”

Who Pays For This

20 Sep

I go on a lot of first dates and there are a few things that come up a lot.

Yes, I’m a feminist blogger who has also won a jello wrestling tournament.

Yes, I frequently let guys pay for things and open doors for me.

The truth is that there’s a whole equation that runs in my head when I’m figuring out what to do with the bill.

Do I like you?

Do you like me?

Do you seem to really want to pay for it?

Do I want you to get what you want?

Do you clearly link paying the tab with your masculinity and will it please me to deny you that?

Have you been a waste of my time?

Do you make more money than me?

Did you offer?

Will you be smug? I hate smug.