Next Time Around

What was so hard about ending my last relationship was that my intuition knew it was time to leave before my body understood why. So I had this long period of waffling on whether the decision was right, changing my mind, reaching out to him. I think it was really painful for both of us.

Recently I feel a lot clearer about it.

And one of the things that’s really helped is running across qualities that I get to have in my next relationship.

Playful

Adventurous

Silly

Men with these qualities pop into my day and I’m drawn to them like a thirsty fittonia glimpsing water for the first time in years.

Oh, this too can be for me.

And it can. It feels so good.

My Little Love Slut Self

I have a story that I’m easy to cancel on. Easy to forget. Easy to pass over. That you “always” cancel on me. That the excuses are real but somehow the manifestation is born of not caring about me.

This, of course, is ridiculous.

Well, only as ridiculous as a feeling can be. It isn’t fact. It isn’t even reasonable. Especially considering how awesome I am.

It isn’t fact. I get to work on remembering that in the moment.

And I get to be gentle with myself when I forget. Because scared, hurt me is important and deserving of love too.

Why Do I Like You?

Why do I want to be with you?

Because I want to see all the things that happen when you’re around.

Life is more interesting when you’re by my side.

Here’s the thing though…

That’s not actually true.

That’s how I feel about me.

It’s how you should feel about me too.

I’m the context for change, excitement, growth, and fun.

So why do I like you?

Do I?

Perfectly Themselves

I’m leaving this here as a reminder for myself.

Let people unfold in your presence.

Meet them where they are.

When They Say They Have A Crush On You

Believe them.

Take the yes, don’t accuse them of lying. Gracefully accept the love.

O Brave New World

Dude, did you know that men are like, nice? Like really nice. Like hug you while you cry, rub your back, not look even the slightest bit embarrassed that you’re doing this in public. – Nice.

Like looking deep into your soul and saying “You are not something to be ashamed of.” – Nice.

Like “What are you thinking when you stop your hand right above the band of my bikini?” “Just how nice your belly feels against my hand.” – Nice.

My face is so leaky because the inside of my brain is just a photo reel of all this niceness now.

How could I ever have not known this?

I must have known this?

When did I know this?

And why does it feel like such surprising news?

I love men. Some of my best friends are men. Some of my favorite people in the world are men.

So why didn’t I trust them to be this? Or to be this with me?

And how did it come to be that now I do?

No matter. Now that I’ve seen this beautiful new world I’m never going back.

Even if this person disappears, I know what how it feels to kiss someone who thinks I’m fireworks. I’m kissing people who make me feel like a beautiful burning star. That’s mine now.

Is It Okay To Hit On Me

This video gives me so much hope.

A lot of people are worried about this (as they ANNOYINGLY call it) “#MeToo moment”.

Dr. Lindsey Doe gives me so much hope for the way we’ll be able to talk about sex and desire when young people are brought up in a consent culture. When we’ve done the hard work of rooting out harmful lessons we’ve spent our lives learning, breaking our bad habits and investing in rehabilitation.

Context and intent are so important. Sexuality is for adding to life, not distracting or derailing existing life.

People Vary, Variously

I heard the best thing ever on This American Life. Chana was interviewing a young college student about the consent class he was taking and his previous experience dating girls.

Nagib Gonzalez

This is an example. I remember my cousin telling me, yo, you got to kiss your girl’s neck. I do it all the time. Oh, my girl loves it, and stuff like that. So then that’s kind of where you learn.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Nagib, ever the careful student, kissed necks, every one of them. Another friend told him, women like it when you’re funny. He tries to be that. But then Nagib had a girlfriend who told everybody he was a bad kisser. And someone told him, please stop kissing my neck. She thought it was gross. And he felt like, wait, do I know things, or do I not know things?

Nagib Gonzalez

Definitely when you’re younger, like you think of it more as like rules and steps to get laid. When you’re younger, you think, like, oh, I have to do this step. I have to follow this step. So I have to kiss her in this certain place. Then I have to make out with her.

And I have to, I don’t know, touch her, like, I don’t know, grab her butt or something. And then finally we get here.

But it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all. It’s less– it’s very– it varies. It’s different from person to person.

It could be anything. I don’t know. Girls vary. Not every girl will like something that you do. Every girl is different.

Chana Joffe-Walt

Everyone is different. Girls vary. People vary. What if that was the first thing you learned about sex?

What if, instead of starting at 18 years old with rape and moving backwards to teach consent, what if you just started with “people vary”? Because if you understand that, consent follows. You have to ask questions and talk about what you like and don’t like. Otherwise, you’ll never know. You may be with one of those neck people, and you may not. [x]

People vary. What a novel thought.

Please Do A Little Of The Work

I know I seem like I don’t want to hang out with you. But its because I feel like you always want me to do all the emotional labor for our time together.

You want me to find a time that works with both of our schedules.

You want me to pick where we go.

You need me to remind you that morning.

And give you directions because you didn’t think to look up the address in advance.

And I hate this because on the one hand those are sort of my favorite things. I love playing tetris with schedules and suggesting we go to this cool thing I heard about. It feels like a love language that I can serenade you with.

And when I feel like you’re abusing that, then this isn’t a friendship anymore. When I feel like you can’t speak back to me in it, cant appreciate my labor or cant be bothered to do the same for me in return, then it hurts so deeply.

So I dare you to do it. I tell you

“I would love to hang out with you.

I place on your shoulders the task of finding a where and when.”

And you fail. And it breaks my heart-You must not love me at all.

 

I’ma Do Me, Thanks Though

I’ve been told that grown-ups befriend their exes. In a way that makes me feel like I’m a failure for not always choosing to do that.

But there are really good reasons to not be friends.

If you still have feels, if you still live in a world where you can imagine being in love with that person, then you should not be friends with your ex, no matter what anyone tells you. You don’t need to put yourself in the friend zone. That isn’t friendship, it’s torturing yourself. You shouldn’t put your friends in the uncomfortable situation of having to help you stay there. You shouldn’t be in a place where you’re unhappy just to make someone else feel better. Ever.

So be you. And be you without this person. Because that can be a happier, better you and that’s worth everything. At least for now.