Tag Archives: Dating

Thanks For Looking Out

9 Mar

As a good single millennial I have an Okcupid profile. And that profile is exactly as brazen as this blog is. Exactly. As. Brazen.

I am firmly of the belief that the greatest purpose of the Online part of Online Dating is the weeding-out part.

I want to put the things that are going to offend the religious and sex negative at the very top. If my existence would send them screaming, better they should run screaming from a webpage that portends to represent my existence and spare me from having to see/hear their cries, I just don’t have the time.

file-mar-04-9-11-26-am

How this man has offended me. Let me count the ways.

You care about me? You’re just telling me this because u care about me so much? And all this care is because you’re a fellow (lowercase) jew? Because, what, knowing that fact about me suddenly makes me your little sister?

Also, you’re the run around player? I truly have a hard time imagining that. And what decade are you living in? Run around player? Seriously?

And what exactly is it you’re trying to warn me against? Is it that no man in the universe (grave, very grave) would want a serious relationship – point blank? That’s what your words are saying, but A) have you met any men? and B) if that’s what you were thinking about then why would you send your grave concern to me?

More likely what you were attempting to say (though perhaps you should quit using words, like forever) is that no guy in the universe would ever have a serious relationship with me because I am a woman who mentions sex.

Really, what you’re telling me is that you are a guy who would “bullshit” and say you are interested in something serious as a way to do what exactly? Be Runaround Sue?

You’re also telling me that you would never be with a woman who talked to you about the sex you were theoretically having with her, which tells me that you are… what is the polite way to say this? Horrible in bed, so unable-to-learn-from-your-mistakes bad that there was no reason for a woman to waste her breath giving you notes. We’ve all been there. You’re right, such a player.

Also, “I will tell u.” I will tell u? U will tell me what? You’ve lived inside your body for 37 years which gives you the authority to curb my behavior on behalf of all men? Did you run a PPP Poll? Half the planet has given you their blessing, want you to be their voice, they nominated you to nit pick at women’s behavior on the internet?

And “I’m that guy so please don’t be offended.” I burn. Don’t be offended? Are you five years old? I’m offended that your alleged player-ness makes you feel that you have the right to police my behavior.

Because it does not.

And one more thing about sex. Just because it makes me happy to talk about sex and it makes you unhappy to read it. In BDSM there’s this practice that I think is a bit silly where if you talk about a Dom/sub relationship a lot of people use a capital ‘D’ and a lowercase ‘s’ because the Dom is big and strong and the sub is meek.

“Im the run around player and i will tell u” No. Absolutely not.

Murray’s Law

22 Dec

Lately I can’t seem to get this quote out of my head.

I’m not entirely sure it applies to people who live the life that I lead, traveling, touring, getting out and around the world regularly.

I think what he’s trying to say is that when you find someone you think might be the one then you should throw yourself into the toughest positions imaginable with them. See how you pull each other out and through.

If they can not only see you through, but improve, make amazing, a chapter of your life that could have been horrifying, then maybe they do deserve to get to see you through the rest of it.

After all, what other horrors could they make (nearly) fun. Illness, pain, grief. They might give perspective to existing family drama, old grudges or anxious situations.

A person capable of improving your perspective on the world is invaluable.

I think that’s what Murray is saying.

I’m Easy To Love

20 Dec

I need to decide right here and now, three weeks into my relationship with a beautiful, caring, giving man; that even though this may all end very shortly for very responsible reasons that this was all worth it.

This means something and it was successful. If this person doesn’t want what I want it isn’t my fault. If he chooses to spend his time on something else or with someone else, it’s not my fault. I’m not difficult. I’m easy to love.

If you love me.

I Am Waiting, Should I Be Waiting?

25 Oct

I’ve ghosted on people before. Who hasn’t? I feel like there’s an acceptable three date window of “I don’t really know you at all, we don’t need to ‘have a breakup’ for a thing that never even existed.”

I try not to do it if we’ve been seeing each other for over a month, or more than 3 times or if you seem really interested.

But lately I’ve had a few experiences of (seemingly) mutually giddy dates followed by… radio silence. It’s karma and I deserve it.

It’s also just the gentle urging onward of time.

When I choose to see it that way.

Who Pays For This

20 Sep

I go on a lot of first dates and there are a few things that come up a lot.

Yes, I’m a feminist blogger who has also won a jello wrestling tournament.

Yes, I frequently let guys pay for things and open doors for me.

The truth is that there’s a whole equation that runs in my head when I’m figuring out what to do with the bill.

Do I like you?

Do you like me?

Do you seem to really want to pay for it?

Do I want you to get what you want?

Do you clearly link paying the tab with your masculinity and will it please me to deny you that?

Have you been a waste of my time?

Do you make more money than me?

Did you offer?

Will you be smug? I hate smug.

Mourn What Was, Not What Might Have Been

8 Sep

You can’t mourn the relationship you could have had. You can only mourn the relationship you did have.

You can say “he’s a great listener” all you want while you’re together. After all, he does give great advice. And he can memorize numbers for work.

But when it’s over then it’s time to look at the whole collection, together.

Is he a good listener? Maybe.

Did he listen to you? Maybe not.

It’s ok to hold both truths at the same time.

But holding on to what could have been won’t help anyone. And you have to be on team you.

this love went bad long ago.
it’s like the half-full expired container of milk in the fridge-
i know i should throw it out, but can’t stand
to see so much of a once good thing
go to waste.

Lora Mathis [x]

New Mantra: You Are Caramelized Onions

14 Jan

So I met this lovely guy and upon our first meeting things got physical.

Afterwards, we talked for a while, realized, who knows, this could be a real thing, lets exchange numbers and hang out sometime.

And for a week he pestered me to come over.

Why don’t we go out, get tea or something?

Or I could come over. Late.

And I kinda lost it.

I told a friend the whole story.

He has already had the greatest dessert in the world
and wants seconds
before dinner
To which my response was:
THANK YOU
With a teeny tiny side dish of “WHY MUST MY PERSONALITY BE THE BROCCOLI AND MY VAGINA BE THE ICE CREAM?!”
I’m pretty sure my friend thought I was mad at him. I’m not mad at him, I’m mad that I made the same analogy in my head.

I think that every dating person (maybe just every person) has a thing that their lizard brain is afraid of, your body is the only part of you anyone has ever loved all the way up to you’re too ugly/fat/short/tall to be deserving of love. A thing that lurks there in the back of your mind leeching that feeling into your body and waiting for words to put to it. And as soon as you feed it such a phrase it grows to 5 times it’s size and takes up residence in your inner ear, flooding your brain with it’s particular brand of sweet sweet nothings.

My personality isn’t broccoli, my vagina isn’t ice cream. All of me is caramelized onions, delicious in every way.

But when I scream that at the lizard she doesn’t cower, I need a sentence that can put the lizard back in her cage. I’ll never be rid of her but I can learn to be louder than her.

The lizard is your friend, but a little scary, too. She lurks deep within, operating on millennia of aggregated evolutionary knowledge, so she remembers a lot. Like how for thousands of generations, women required strong relationships with strong men in order to simply survive. How, without someone to protect them, our foremothers were vulnerable in every way. How dearly so many of them suffered for it.

So when a liberated modern gal such as yourself contemplates leaving a romantic relationship, even a middling-to-shitty one, the lizard feels she is honor-bound to make you stop, to get right up in your face and scream stuff like you’ll never do better and you’re not getting any younger and you’re lucky to have anyone at all and any man is better than no man and THESE ARE FACTS DAMMIT!

Now, given what she’s seen, her reaction is completely understandable. But it screws up your life, too! Because she ensures that even here in the future that is now, and even when you know you’d be far better off on your own, it still feels like the act of breaking up might actually kill you.

… it slithers up from the the dankest sub-basement of consciousnes and demands our attention whether we like it or not. And if we want to be able to operate rationally in this realm, to have enough faith to let go of bad stuff so we can find better stuff, we have to learn how to handle it.

Thankfully, this can be done! How? You just never let the lizard be in charge. She is trying to protect you in her loving creepy way, so hear her out and be sweet to her and maybe give her some nice bugs to eat. But don’t forget that she is willing to make tradeoffs that you are not. Really awful tradeoffs. For her, any man really is better than no man, and that is bananas!! So listen to the lizard but decide what to do with the rest of your brain. Never ever let her get wet or eat after midnight or take control. [x]