So Perfect

Last night I turned down some work. It wasn’t exactly on purpose and it didn’t feel good at the time.

Not until I cooked myself dinner and lunches for the week, took a bath, repotted a plant, washed my hair to beautiful perfect curly perfection!

And then today I came into work and saw the faces of everyone who was here last night. Not listening to each other, forgetting things. Overtired.

I’m so glad I gave myself a night off in the middle of a crazy work week! I deserve it!

What is the perfection I’m not seeing?

There is always something. It’s not about seeing a silver lining in a cloudy storm. It’s about seeing absolute perfection, joy.

Why is this perfect for me right now?

It’s perfect for me and for the people I’m keeping safe by having my head on straight.

I’m so lucky. It’s so perfect.


I Don’t Want To Be Around This Face Either

A few weeks ago I was working a new job. Everyone around me was really experienced and whether or not it was actually true I was really self conscious that they were judging me, hating me. They were used to working with people who were veterans at this and I was slowing things down.

I don’t like doing things that I don’t feel I can conquer immediately.

But too bad for me.

The guy who was in charge of training me was so accommodating. Sitting right next to me and answering my every question no matter how inane.

I’ll never forget the day I turned to him with tears in my eyes. Facing away from the rest of the group so only he could see. His face melted. “Ok, I know that my face is doing this thing right now but it’s just my face. Ignore it and tell me that this is actually going just fine and I need to relax and just do the job. I know that the fact that I’m crying is written on my face but just ignore it and it’ll go away. It isn’t real.”

And when he ignored the thing my face was doing, it went away. And my gratitude at having him in that situation was immense. For all the things I appreciate about him, that moment was one of my favorites.

Plus, it helped me feel better.


I’m Gonna Trust You

I feel like all I’ve cared about lately are lessons I’ve learned at work.

Today my boss and I said one out loud.

He hired me to do a thing I had never done. I did it, I pushed through the fear. I did a good enough job to get re-hired but I’m still not the most confident person in the world. I still have fear and nerves.

“I respect your reluctance but I wasn’t wrong. You would be good at this. I wasn’t wrong in thinking you’d be good at this.”

“Yeah, I need to get better at trusting that the people I work with have a greater context for my skills than I do. That if someone I’ve been working with thinks I’m ready for something, then I am.”

I don’t know if this is a me thing or a woman thing or a generational thing but it’s a problem I have a lot.

My co-workers are also my teachers. I know logically that they’re invested in my success, that at the very least it would look bad for them if I slowed down OUR team. That they just wouldn’t bother to hire me again if they didn’t think I was worth it.

I need to trust, not just that I’m not bad, but also that I’m improving.

I can see my skills but I can’t see the context outside of myself. If you were spending 10 hours a day with someone who was tall enough to see over the wall you were standing in front of together, and you asked them “What am I going to need on the other side of this wall? Is it muddy? Snowy?” You’d trust their response. You’d trust their assessment of the context of your journey which you can’t currently see.

I’m gonna practice.

Confidence, Feelings, Friendship

Thanks For Teaching And Listening And Spending Time With Me

As we all know, I started this scary new job.

I’m not entirely sure how I’m doing yet.

Hey, my roommate wants to know how I’m doing so far. What should I tell her?

Crushing it. It’s unrecognizable, that’s how hard it’s been crushed.

I’m pretty grateful for this encouragement.

And to show my appreciation from now on I promise to stop suggesting all the people who I think would be doing this job infinitely better than me and just go forth with your support and a (sometimes false) air of confidence.

Dating, Sanity, Self-Care

I Gots An Agenda

I caught up with an old friend recently and he asked about my love life.

Currently nonexistent.

Oh, I’m sorry.

Eh, I’m not. What would I do with a love life if I had one right now? Leave it at home with a dogsitter? I’m out of town, I’m throwing myself into a new position and I’m sick.

I’m not sorry that I’m not neglecting anyone at the moment.

I’m not sorry that I’m focusing completely on me and my life for the foreseeable future. It’s starting to feel like a real choice I’ve made for me.

I really like that.

Gender, Sisterhood

Mommy Works Too

This morning I got a frantic call from a friend of mine who has two precocious and wonderful daughters aged 3 and 5. Her husband works a normal 9-5 job and she’s a freelancer. And when asked what mommy does the girls reply “Yoga.”

So she asked me for advice. “How do I show my girls that I work? I’m really upset and offended by the fact that they don’t get that.”

So here are my tips for her specific case.

  1. As freelancers we often say things like “I’m at the armory 6-11 today and the school 9-4 tomorrow.” In front of the kids let it be “I’m at work 6-11 today and again 9-4 tomorrow.” Let them ask you why you don’t work regular hours. When Dad works he just calls it work. You can too, no qualifiers needed. “Where is Mommy?” “She’s at work.”
  2. Define what it is to work. Going to an office is clearly work but dancing is something they do for fun, make it clear that when you do it it’s difficult and took training and makes money, which qualifies it as work. Tell them you’re exhausted from it and that you’re glad to come home and see them after working so hard.
  3. Every day your kids interact with people who they don’t know are getting paid to stay with them, most of them women. Working with kids is hard work, maybe your kids should see you paying the babysitter and asking her how work was today. Let the kids know what kind of training makes your babysitter or teacher qualified and what that means as far as payscale.
  4. Introduce them to other women who work. I’m a big believer that as soon as kids can form complete sentences they can be spending time with your friends. Ask your female friend how work is going and to explain what they do, what kind of hours they work, are the freelancers too, what kind of lifestyle does working that job afford them? Does it mean they tour or travel a lot?
  5. Why do you like your job and why do you dislike it? Tell them why it’s stressful but also important to go.
  6. Ask them what kind of career they’d like when they grow up. And be very clear that princess is not an option and why.