Tag Archives: The Yankee

The Yankee And His Ilk

6 Apr

I spent an evening with the Yankee this week. What a wonderful time I had. He is one of the most loving, considerate, wonderful people I will ever know. I would be wise to love him for the rest of my days and never let him go. But alas…

When I made the decision to stop seeing him I wasn’t exactly sure why I was doing it. I knew in my bones that it was right but couldn’t name the feeling.

This month I fell in love with someone, probably for my first time ever (it was great and horrible, thanks for asking) and spending the evening with the Yankee in the midst of that was… made it crystal clear.

He rubbed my shoulder and it felt like an eraser on my skin. He touched my hair and I felt like a dog being poked. He whispered in my ear and I smelled his breath.

My body wasn’t tuned to love him. It’s like he was a song in A and my body was tuned to B flat. The intention was there but everything was coming out wrong.

I loved him for it of course but it would always be a little mistranslated.

So, I propose a toast.

Here’s to the lovers who are perfect on paper but who your body rejects, on it’s own accord. To listening to your body when it knows that. To doing right by and respecting it. To looking for something better when you’re sure nothing better exists.

Trust that it does.

There’s someone who plays in your key.

Someone Like You

4 Aug

The other day the Yankee and I went to the movies.

I was reminded of what I like about him in the first place.

From the first time I met him I felt like he knew me.

Perhaps because we have similar beliefs. Perhaps because he instinctively sees through me. Perhaps because he’s a good listener.

The thing I miss most about him, the thing that makes me call him when bad things happen is that feeling of being known.

But that isn’t missing a person. It’s missing a feeling you can get from a certain kind of person.

I’m an addict. I want more of that feeling. And him. But for different reasons.

Maybe It’s Just Time

16 May

All of a sudden I want to be in love. It scares me.

What do you do with that kind of energy? Longing?

It doesn’t particularly help. I try to push it from my mind.

Hilariously enough The Yankee noticed it first. He told it to a mutual friend of ours. Pulled me out of my little closet. He’s so good at being a person who knows and loves me. I guess it comes easily to some people.

Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.
– (via yoursly)

Why I Won’t Stop Loving The Yankee

16 Sep

This is sort of embarrassing. So there’s this sex thing that I’ve always been turned on by but also always been embarrassed of. And I’ve always found that the things people want you to do to them become obvious in the end as they try to get you to do it without having to say it. Like how a cat pets your palm with the back of her head.

One night I was being such cat and the Yankee kind of called me out on it. Or rather dared me to do it. And immediately I felt shame. The shame you feel the first time naming a turn on. Immediately followed by the shame of having been so obvious about it that he could guess it. But then the turning on kicked in and I was a goner.

And afterwards when we were drinking water and making the bed he said “hey, did you notice how wet you got when I said that word?” And I was incredibly mortified until he said how much he liked making me so happy and we giggled about it and went to sleep.

And that is why I can’t stop loving the Yankee even though I don’t want to be with him anymore.

When I first started seeing the Yankee I hesitated to use the word relationship but it was probably pretty soon after that night when I started admitting that it was indeed some variation on a normal relationship. He heard me, my words and my body, because he was listening. He noticed the small things that made me who I am and he respected and cared about and even tried to cater to them. I couldn’t ask for more care and consideration.

And so now I understand how someone can feel so bad, so wrong, so selfish, so unjustified in wanting to leave a partner. Even when they know it’s the right thing to do anyway.

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood. – Mary Rakow

29 May

At work yesterday I was talking to one of the girls in the cast when she said “I don’t plan to ever break up with the guy I’m with now but if I did…” and I thought, ‘well, enjoy that.’ Because as much as I adore The Yankee (and each day I truly adore him more and more) I don’t see myself raising my beautiful Jewish babies with him. I have a lot more dating left in me.

Later at the bar I told some of my friends this story and one of them agreed (by virtue of a subtle beer clink) with me in reference to his girlfriend. And I had a realization. One of the reasons why the Yankee is my Yankee instead of my boyfriend is that “Boyfriend” is a term reserved for people who are on their way to spouse (like that actress’s boyfriend is) and the Yankee isn’t that. My friend’s girlfriend wasn’t on track to be his wife, but by letting her use the term he (admitted with his words that he) was letting her believe she was.

Every once in a while I catch some slack for dating a guy for 4 months and managing to still “keep it casual.” But I like to think that in some ways my relationship is enhanced because of it. I’m not lying to him. I’m being more honest with him than a lot of my friends are being with their titled significant others.

I like not lying, it makes me feel really good. And fortunately The Yankee likes it too.

I demand unconditional love and complete freedom. That is why I am terrible.

– Tomaz Salamun

Fly With Me My Meadowlark!

10 May

The other night I went to a party and ran into a friend, a coworker, an acquaintance I used to know and still work with occasionally.

We did that thing where you walk into the party, lock eyes and immediately know that you’re gonna make out at some point. That heat is just there. So we hung out, we talked alone and in groups. We had cocktails. We did all the old-acquaintance-at-a-party things and then we left the party to get drinks somewhere else with another friend.

Add some wine, subtle touches and a mutual friend whispering in my ear about how good he looks in tight pants and after a fantastically romcom moment we were making out on the side of the street. A good kisser, very good. On the whole a fun night, completely harmless, I wouldn’t mind if he calls but I won’t die if he doesn’t. (And they say hookup culture is ruining our society!)

Then I got on the long train ride home and didn’t feel quite guilty, more confused. What did the Yankee and I agree to back when we were talking about open relationships? The conversation was long and good but what had we decided? Will he be upset?

So tonight I was over at the Yankees and I did what I do best when I have to admit something. I blurted. I paused the movie and said “I made out with my friend last night. And it made me realize that I don’t know what our boundaries are.”

He said “That’s because we don’t have boundaries. Heh. Listen, I want you to do whatever makes you happy and if that includes other casual stuff then I don’t need to know about all of it unless its a really good story or something you want me to know. Just let me know if anything turns serious. Okay?”

I nodded and we resumed the movie. And I’ve never liked him more.

Having the freedom to choose makes me want to show how much I care. Makes me like him more. Even if that includes other people. Fancy that.

I have a friend who told her boyfriend that she likes to kiss people at parties sometimes and that if he’s not down with that then he should get out now because she’s not planning on changing.

I’ve never understood her more.

To me, the thing we describe as cheating is lack of respect for boundaries that have been discussed and agreed on, or disregard for a partner’s needs that have been perceived or expressed. I had to learn (by hurting people and getting hurt) that communicating about feelings and setting boundaries for a relationship is important, and that boundaries may change over the course of a relationship.

Stoya on the Pitfalls of Heteronormativity and Monogamy | VICE United States [x]

I Like My Choices. I Hope She Likes Hers.

6 May

whitneymallory:John Green though…

I hung out with a friend yesterday who I haven’t seen in a while and who was eager to tell me that she’s been catching up on my blog. She wanted to hear all about the Yankee. And she said specifically that from the blog it sounds like he likes me more than I like him.

I look at the Yankee and I’m fairly certain I’m going to break his heart one day, and it kills me.

But I have to trust that he has as much agency in deciding to spend time with me as I do in spending time with him.
So the little part of his heart that he’s etched out for me, I’m going to enjoy living there for as long as I can and put this anxiety to rest. Because I like him. And whatever comes after that, well, worrying about it won’t change anything anyway so I might as well go outside and play.