Bodies, Self-Care, Sex

Bragging On A Dare

I had a divine, beautiful evening tonight.

Today someone requested a “clit pic” from me. I’ve never heard of such a thing and was immediately reactive;


How would I even?

That wouldn’t be fun

My camera sucks

So reactive that I decided-who cares whether I send it to anyone-I get to assign this challenge to myself.

So when I got home I sipped a little bubbly kombucha, lit a few candles, put on a playlist, and I had a photoshoot with myself.

And it was super fun! And I even liked a few of the pictures I took! I was shocked!

Then I decided to up the ante. I reached out to a few other goddesses I know and told them about my night.

Oh, yeah, we send those to each other all the time! Here are a few of our favorites!

I’m in awe. I brag that I dive into things that make me uncomfortable.

I brag that I surround myself with people who impress and push me every day.

I brag that I’m sexy and I know it.

Art, Bodies, Deviant/Default, Kyriarchy, Sexism

Rapunzel? You Look Different…

So, I cut my hair recently. Or to be more accurate, The Yankee cut it for me. Here are some pictures of my inspiration.

Notice anything about them? I didn’t look for then on dirty sites or anything. Both images just found me. I saw the allure cover at a news stand on the subway and the other one in a victorias secret ad before a youtube video.

“I went to see the first Sex In the City movie. You know, because I was just looking for… a chick flick, you know. I wasn’t looking for any sort of emotion… I was just… in New York that weekend, my best girl friend was with me. So we go and sit down and watch a movie… and there’s Jennifer Hudson doing Mammy and we were like ((gasp)) But why didn’t anyone tell us? And why would that be necessary? …why—in a movie about 21st Century women living in New York who’ve never bothered to meet any black women during the entire time that they’ve lived in New York on the television show—must they now suddenly have a Mammy? And why does it have to be Jennifer Hudson, who we love? … why is this happening? …why am I having to have a black feminist moment when I’m trying to try to see, like, a fun movie?! … this is the point I’m trying to make… you can just be wandering through your life, not really trying to have a race or gender experience, and then here comes an image. Here comes the tilt[ed worldview]. And you’ve got to figure out… how to engage that crooked image.”

-Melissa Harris-Perry @ UCSD [x]

I love this part of her speech so much! It’s a fantastic response to that meme where people in fandom and the mainstream talk about how people who point out problems with media are just “trying to be offended.” Nooo. People want to live their lives and the offensive crap just keeps popping up! [x]

How am I expected to not internalize this shit? How do we continue to tell women they exist for decoration only and expect there to be no negative consequences at all?

Bodies, Confidence

Thank You Lena Dunham

A little while ago I casually mentioned how sometimes I imagine I have Lena Dunham’s lower half when I’m in bed with someone.

There’s no shortage of articles online about Lena Dunham’s body and the cultural significance of it’s screen time.  A big part of it is just about Dunham normalizing plus size bodies and beauty.  Dunham looks like my mother, and half my classmates at college, and a decent chunk of the women I see walking down the street.  Her nude scenes aren’t grand or sensationalist.  They’re upsetting because they’re scenes about people who get hurt, and that’s upsetting. They’re awkward because people are awkward and they’re funny because people are funny.

And half the audience is going to commend it and half the audience is going to hate it but I can say right now:

Thank you Lena Dunham.  Your presence in my media landscape has improved my sex life and the rest of my life too.  I look forward to the rest of what you’ve got in store.

Bodies, Confidence

Sexy Is As Sexy Feels, Not As Sexy Does

I recently started seeing a guy who I can be really brutally honest with.  The other night we were at a bar and he kept trying to nuzzle me and I said “I’m going to say this and it’s going to sound mean but I don’t mean for it to be mean.  Stop touching me like you’re my boyfriend.”  He looked sort of taken aback for a moment and then said, “Only in public right?” and I nodded and he jovially said “Ok” and thanked me for being honest about my discomfort.

All this is to say that this morning when I said “When I’m in bed with someone I always get distracted from feeling sexy by trying to perform Sexiness properly,” he could trust that I was telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

But just saying that he trusts, doesn’t mean he understands.  Because he freely admits that he doesn’t really.  That to him I just AM sexy, no effort required.  And I have a really hard time accepting that.  That he can watch me lap up curry and still think I’m as as delicious looking as when I’m eyeing him in my underwear.

It takes practice for me to not perform sexy as it’s taught on every magazine cover.  But I’m starting to notice that when I stop trying to stick my butt out or part my lips the right way, that’s when I can actually focus on what feels good.  And thats much nicer to focus on.

Sometimes guys put stupid things in your head and sometimes you do it all on your own.  And you’re probably going to think I’m crazy but I’m going to tell you a secret.  A secret that you can appreciate now that you know how trustworthy I am. I imagine myself bigger.  I imagine I have Lena Dunham’s butt and thighs. And somehow that helps me value my own pleasure over my self-imposed need to pretend I’m Kate Moss.

Bodies, Confidence

THE Sexiest Man Alive?

Today Daily Grace had this to say about People magazine’s announcement of Channing Tatum as the Sexiest Man Alive.

And I’m inclined to agree with her.  Sorry Chan, but I like guys who have necks.  And hair.  And you have neither.

And apparently Mila Kunis is the sexiest woman alive?  And apparently there are questions about that too?  I mean, they both seem nice but I don’t particularly want to hit the sack with either of them.

So I guess my question is why do we bother?  Why do we feel the need to pick one person who supposedly ‘everybody,’ or the majority, or at least a critical mass of people say turn them on?  You know what turns me on?   John Green quotes and boxers with small plaid.  But People magazine isn’t going to ask me about what actually turns me on.  They’re just going to make me feel weird for not being turned on by a blonde, neckless, actor.

My sexiest man alive is, was, and will continue to be (until one isn’t alive anymore) a tie between Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Jackman and Orlando Bloom.  Mmmmm, necks, hair.

Sorry, I had to do some googling in order to spell those names right and so I’m in a bit of a haze now.

My point is that I’m sorry, People/Esquire, but you’re irrelevant.  And your authoritarian claim that you know who is ‘objectively’ the sexiest person ignores the fact that the concept of ‘objectively sexy’ can only apply when we construct a cultural standard of what should be capital-S Sexy and demand that everyone’s libidos react to that and that alone.

Different people find different people sexy.  Why is that so hard to accept?

The world is not full of Attractive People and Unattractive People. It’s full of people who are attractive to some and not to others.

Kate Harding [x]

Confidence, Gender, Sisterhood

Boys And Girls Of Every Age Wouldn’t You Like To See Something Strange?

This is Halloween.

And this is just a reminder that you don’t have to go naked if you don’t want to.  Sexy ____ isn’t the only option.  Clothing/cardboard/tin foil that actually covers the majority of your skin is an equally valid choice.

And also that if you want to slut that costume up you’re welcome to do so.  No one can tell you what to do or not do with your body.

Just remember that the amount of clothing you wear doesn’t reflect what kind of a person you are.

Tonight you can be a slutty bunny if you feel so inclined but you can also dress up like Barack Obama if you want.  Equally valid.  Equally valid.

Man Meat, Media, Sexuality

Fantasy Research

I’ve been reading a fantastic book called Yes Means Yes this week and one of the things this book talks a lot about is how girls aren’t raised to honor their sexual desires.

So, straight women, I give you (drum roll please)

Fantasy Research.

(A term coined by my super smart lady friend.  And, totally unrelated, if you’re having any questions about health care reform she has a simple guide)

A few lovely websites to peruse on your own time:

Hunk Du Jour

Mostly models.  You know what I always say, “A hunk a day keeps… what was I saying?”

You Are An Object

Great images, mostly of sexy men of all kinds.  I love that whoever runs the site obviously is a writer and uses the images as inspiration for short stories.  Yay for the internet facilitating multiple forms of art at once!

Boy Gaga

Great for when I’m feeling vengeful at the patriarchy.  I feel like this site objectifies men in ways that the media usually reserves for women.  It simply fills me with delight.

Hang The DJ

Sweet.  Lots of cuddles.  Mostly gay couples but what’s better than looking at one hot guy?  Yep.

And for those of you who dream of hair the way I do.

Fuck Yeah Indie Boys

I just want to run my hands… yeah.

Remember kids:

No shame.  No sex negativity.

I just want to point out that I know that this is a very by-straight-girl-for-straight-girl post and I try not to do that too much.  I know (or hope at least) that this blog has a much more diverse audience than that.  I just wanted to present things that I like and encourage all of you to find whatever that is for you.

Now go find the stuff you like!

Also, actual Pr0n.

Advice, Bodies, Confidence, Consent, Intimacy, Sex

Advice – Consent Is Hot

So I have this friend who’s a very sweet dude. We’ve lived together for two non-consecutive years, and over that time we’ve had a fair amount of back-and-forth about feminism in the modern age: he’s very much a novice at feminism, but his heart is in completely the right place. His is exactly the kind of “I don’t know this material, please teach me!” attitude towards learning about rape culture, institutional misogyny, and Treating Ladies Right that we need from dudes all over.

But I’ve been having a bunch of conversations with him lately where he tells me that he doesn’t like to, while mackin’ on a date, ask the lady if she wants to have sex with him.
It’s not what you think; he’s not forcing himself on a lady because he doesn’t want to “ruin the moment” by asking for consent. In fact, he does the exact opposite. He stays so far away from bringing it up that the ladies he goes out with are always the ones to initiate. His reasoning is that if he asks whether she wants to have sex, he joins the culture of men who pressure women into having sex: even asking if she wants to have sex is thrown into the category of manipulative and vile behavior. Women don’t want to be asked if they want to have sex, he says, because they are pure beings who are repulsed by the very thought until somehow convinced that sex is awesome, like, somewhere down the line, and can’t they have a nice time without some douchebag asking politely if they would like to take this into the bedroom?

How can I explain to him that a) putting women on that kind of pedestal is a different kind of sexism, and b) that being asked nicely for consent in the context of a date isn’t, in fact, a form of harassment?

I’m putting ‘consent’ on the list of things that I could talk about forever.

First of all I want to say that this is a great example of how when you teach your children that all sex is evil, they don’t have less sex, just less good sex.

First question first:

I don’t care what Cosmo or Disney or Michael Bay told you.  Women are just as likely or unlikely to want sex as a man.  Want to know the secret reason why men don’t know how much women like sex (and my definition of sex is not strictly PIV btw)?  Because men have made damn sure that if a lady expresses desire for sex then bad stuff is going to happen to her.  If you let anyone know you use contraceptives, Rush Limbaugh and half the country call you a slut.  If you get raped, it’s your fault.  If your boyfriend threatens to release a sex tape you made against your will, suck it up.  So us ladies need to be careful about who we share this information with.  And do you know the easiest way to become someone I want to share that information with?  You guessed it!  Show me you respect my desires and boundaries, ask for my permission, ask me what I want to do/done to me, USE YOUR WORDS!  (seriously, dudes, words.  They are magic.  I freaking love words).

The short answer is that you should explain to your friend that putting women on the ‘pure’ pedestal is sexist because women are people and people have sex drives that range from Asexual to Sasha Grey.  Putting all women on the ‘pure’ pedestal says that you think women are not people, you think they’re something else.  And that is wrong.

Your friend needs to read some blogs written by women.  AFeministSub is great.  Pervocracy is too.  Check out and realize that most of it is written by women because-shocking news- women like sex.  33% of internet porn consumers are women now too.

To your second question:

Being asked nicely for consent in the context of a date is not, in fact, a form of harassment because harassment is when you use your body, your words, or whatever else you have at your disposal to tell me that you put your desire for sex over my desire for whatever the hell I’m desiring be that space, food, sleep, a peaceful work environment, a pleasant jog, or even intimacy.  Asking a gal who agreed to go on a date with you and who is presumably kissing you on the couch Pleasantville style whether she would like to have sex tells her that her desires do indeed matter to you.  That context makes a huge difference.

Plus, a man who asks for explicit consent is extremely sexy.  Have you read me?  And here is why: Knowing that a guy is going to respect my boundaries (and there are many ways to prove you’ll respect my boundaries) makes me trust you.  When I trust you I allow myself to be more vulnerable with you, tell you what I really want because I know that you won’t laugh at me, I’m more comfortable about my body which makes me feel more attractive and more interested in getting down, there are some major pluses in it for this dude.

Also, is that a thing?  Do men think that asking for consent ruins the moment?  Seriously?  I’d accept that as an excuse for sexual assault about as readily as I’d accept ‘I can’t feel anything through it’ as an excuse not to wear a condom.  As Dan Savage likes to say ‘The proof that you can feel through a condom is that they break and you don’t notice.’  Yeah.

Some advice on how to ask that question and how to feel comfortable about asking that question:

Ask permission for every little thing.  It’ll become like a game, and who doesn’t like games?  And it’ll build trust, a rapport, giggles, fun!  ‘May I take your shoes off?  May I take your shirt off?  May I pee?  May I kiss your hem?’  Why the hell not?  If you feel silly asking her if she’d like to go to your room then why not make the mood silly?  It can’t hurt, can it?

Another great thing you can do is tug at clothing but in the ‘on’ direction.  Tug her shirt towards you or down and put your hands on her waist rather than trying to pull her shirt up or moving your hands towards her boobs without permission.  This conveys the feeling of ‘why is this damn piece of clothing in the way of your awesome body but it’s not mine to remove’ instead of ‘I want to see you naked and whether you’re into that or not doesn’t really matter to me’ and will most likely result in her taking it off.

Also, there are very sexy ways to ask someone for permission.  Check that out (VERY NSFW).  Around minute 5 stuff starts heating up and if you watch closely you’ll see them whispering and around 7:20 she says ‘I dunno’ and a few seconds later an enthusiastic ‘ok.’  There are sexy ways to ask questions with your words while in bed and James Deen knows them all.

Always remember though that nothing a woman does (short of either grabbing your penis and putting it in her vagina or saying ‘I want to have sex tonight’) means she wants to have sex with you tonight or ever.  Personally there have been plenty of times when I have ‘moved forward’ with a guy knowing full well that I was not going to have intercourse with him that night or ever.  I’m a pretty brazen lady and I tend to act pretty brazenly.  I have thrown guys into my bed and gotten them naked while having no expectation of having PIV sex.

Also, I want to point out that sometimes if I don’t want to have sex with a guy then in my head I’ll be like ‘I guess I shouldn’t get us all naked and make him think that’s going to happen.’ However- If said guy asks the magic question ‘Do you want to have sex?’ and I’m like ‘no’ and he responds maturely with an ‘ok’ and keeps up with the awesome kissing then I can be like ‘well I didn’t say I didn’t want to have any fun’ and then I can engage in other kinds of  clothingless fun that isn’t all PIV and stuff.

Bottom line- using your words leads to more nakedness than there would have been before.  Using your words means that you’ll get closer to the heart of what each of you is looking to get out of this encounter so you’ll be more likely to get those things.