Rights, Sexuality

Acceptance Has No Exceptions

The other day I ran up a set of stairs and I almost died.

Well, that’s how I felt at least. No one ever told me I’d get so old so young.

That isn’t the point. When I got to the top of the stairs my date was waiting there for me, laughing and holding the door open as I tumbled into the train car. And for a moment I wanted to throw myself into his arms and thank my lucky stars that I didn’t break a hip or have a heart attack or something. And then, because my brain is a strange and non-romantic place, this popped into my head instead.

youareanobject:imalittleyellowfish:(via pieceofsoul, chelseymathews)A moment I would stare at without realizing I was staring and thinking things like ‘straight people just…do straight things…and everybody’s just okay with it’ and they would pretend not to notice me staring. Then I’d see something shiny and we’d both forget it ever happened.i’m okay with straight people as long as they act gay in publicRIGHT ONEDUMBJOKE?



A moment I would stare at without realizing I was staring and thinking things like ‘straight people just…do straight things…and everybody’s just okay with it’ and they would pretend not to notice me staring. Then I’d see something shiny and we’d both forget it ever happened.

i’m okay with straight people as long as they act gay in public

‘straight people just…do straight things…and everybody’s just okay with it’

I thought about how easy it would be to throw myself into his arms, how in a few weeks when he’s more entrenched in my life maybe I’ll really want to do that… often. How maybe I’ll want to do it so badly I’ll hardly be able to stop myself. How hard it must be to feel that way and always have to stop yourself.

And so instead of throwing myself into his arms I tried to steady my heartbeat and catch my breath and I got really sad.  I got really sad at the depravity of the world we live in. A world where every day people can have that overwhelming need to throw themselves at their loved ones and then recognize that same need in others and deny it to them. It seems I get really sad on the subway a lot lately.

Abuse, Consent, Rape, Sexism, Sexuality

Now Addicted To Emily

In writing Tuesday’s post I read a lot more articles written by Emily and I’ve fallen just a little bit in love.  Also, I’m pretty sure she also lives in Brooklyn and I should invite her out for tea or something.

Instead of writing an interesting (read: good) post about each of these I’m going to comment briefly about a bunch of her posts and trust you people to be good readers and follow the appropriate links.


Oh, Emily.  I’m so sorry.  And I’m so upset because though all my firsts are comparatively consensual I think most girls have similar first experiences.  Similar in that most of those experiences are accompanied by thoughts like “What am I supposed to be doing now?  I’d do it if you just show me what it’s supposed to be like,” instead of (god forbid) actual desire.

Before I even really get the hang of what I’m doing, he is cumming in my mouth. I feel impressed with myself, powerful. I didn’t even know what to do! …

“You really do like sex!” he says after they have dispersed, and I think Do I?  I’m still not sure.

It’s hard to separate genuine desire from the desire to please in little girls socialized to find value in objectification, hard to unlearn games you’ve been playing since before you could emotionally comprehend them. My willingness to be sexual, my ability to perform my job well, these are what made me feel valuable. Moving forward, these attributes will become a two-pronged suit of armor. As long as I am sexually available, I am indispensable. I am safe.

Do I like sex even? Do I like to be heaped with abuse, or do I like the panting fervor it inspires in the men who prey on such vulnerability? Do I still just relish the look of enamored surprise on their faces when they ask me, “So I could just do this…?” Do I think that I am securing my position this way? Do I even have any idea what I like, when and how I like it, and if not, how do I go about finding out?


Thank you Emily.  Fantasies can be fucked up without meaning that we ourselves are fucked up.  And they can be as visceral and humiliating and awful as your erotic imagination wants them to be.  It means nothing bad about you and I envy your bravery in telling a truth few people would be bold enough to tell.  Also, FANTASIZING ABOUT SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN.


I’m so sorry for everything sucky in the world but I’m glad that you have developed a motto that helps you cope with upsetting situations.  Also, hearing about your fear at night makes me feel less alone in mine.

Oh, Emily.  Thank you.

Sanity, Sexuality

The Power Of Labels

Today I watched this video

I knew Deen was coming out with a line of toys (and I have at least one friend who is excited to get one) [UPDATE: review] but when I watched the video I was reminded of something.

In the interview you see lots of posters of him in the store where the signing is being held.  And as the camera flicked past these images I kept thinking how happy he looks in all the posters.  He looks like he has nothing to hide.  Like he’s saying “Hey there world!  I’m me!  Just like this!  Warts and all!  And if you don’t like it, then you can suck it!” and the world was like, “Um, ok, then I guess you’re cool.”

It reminded me of the first time I thought about the word Gay.  I listened to a lot of show tunes and watched a lot of old movies when I was a kid so I remember knowing the definition of gay as happy long before I learned that it also meant homosexual.

And I remember that my first thought was how obvious the word was.  How obviously gay people would describe themselves as happy.  Why wouldn’t they?  They’re people who show their truest selves to the world and are happily in love.  Gay people must have the highest levels of gaiety because they are doing exactly what Deen is doing in those pictures.  They’ve come the cleanest.

The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it — basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.

– Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness [x]

I hope one day I can find out what I need to admit to the world in order to be that happy.

Related to this, I started thinking about a concept from Doctor Who.  On the show the main character is called “The Doctor” and at a certain point he turns kind of… evil-ish and he’s told that on other planets, in other languages “Doctor” is a bad word.  It means warrior or murderer or whatever other scary thing he doesn’t want to be.

Sometimes words have meaning before they’re applied to you.  Sometimes you give words meaning when you associate with them.

The word feminist doesn’t mean “A hairy lesbian who wants to cut your balls off” it is a word which happens to encompass parts of me.  I define it with what I do and believe.  It doesn’t define me by your preconceived notions.

Bodies, Sexuality

Smelling Male. All Men Do.

I’m currently reading Portia de Rossi’s Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain and she said something fantastic in it.  In the book de Rossi explores her experience in the closet.  She talks about a guy who she cared about:

I often joke that my mom wishes my brother and I were gay and when ladies make advances towards me often I wish I were attracted to them.  Attraction isn’t something you can really control though.

I’m not interested in a lady.  She just smells female.  All women do.

You can tell me that women are sexy all you want, but men being sexy?  That I can feel.

Regardless of whether you want me to or not.


Family Glossary

At fathers day dinner with my aunt, uncle, and (grown, married) cousins I brought up that I had a friend who considered himself pansexual.  Suddenly the table was in an uproar.

No one was upset that I had brought up sex at the dinner table.  Last year over Thanksgiving dinner we had a long discussion about how disappointing it is that I’ll probably never have as many sexual partners as my mother.

But everyone was in a tizzy because I couldn’t adequately explain the difference between pansexuality and bisexuality.

Thank you LaciGreen for the first decent explanation I’ve heard.

Give it a listen.  It could make your next family meal as interesting as mine always seem to be.

Another concept that stumped my family: Cisgender.


Queer, Sexuality

It Gets Better

I found this on Postsecret the other day.

I understand that Glee is a very flawed show.  I understand that the actors on the show are autotuned and processed and that it’s annoying.  I understand that sometimes they pick songs that suck.  I understand all these things because the autotuning annoys me and when they sing Run The World unironically I want to punch a hole in the screen.

But if Glee saves us from more of this:

Then I’ll take the Beyonce.

Media, Sexuality

“Oh Right, Patriarchy Exists” of the Day – MPAA Edition

I had a very tame and mild love scene with Jon Hamm. It was like heavy breathing and making out. It was hardly a sex scene… I think that it’s great for this young girl to actually take control of her own sexuality. Well, the MPAA doesn’t like that. They don’t think a girl should ever be in control of her own sexuality because they’re from the Stone Age.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on and I will openly criticize it, happily. So essentially, they got Zack to edit the scene and make it look less like she’s into it. And Zack said he edited it down to the point where it looked like he was taking advantage of her. That’s the only way he could get a PG-13 (rating) and he said, ‘I don’t want to send that message.’ So they cut the scene!

I’m torn. I want an ‘R’ (rating) because we can get a lot of cool scenes into it, but then I like the idea of younger girls being able to see it.

—Emily Browning, on Sucker Punch censoring

Female sexuality killed the dinosaurs.  It causes global warming and earthquakes.  It never refills the ice cube tray and it gave me scabies once.

Need I even comment?

Rape culture is when it’s more acceptable to show a scene (to children no less) of a woman being sexually abused than one of a woman being appropriately and consensually sexual.

I would breathe heavily on him.  Also I’d like to say that in searching for a picture of Jon Hamm and not Don Draper I discovered that Jon Hamm looks bad sometimes.  Like really.  Bad.  Who knew?