Dating, Deviant/Default, Gender, Obedience, Sex

New Mantra: You Are Caramelized Onions

So I met this lovely guy and upon our first meeting things got physical.

Afterwards, we talked for a while, realized, who knows, this could be a real thing, lets exchange numbers and hang out sometime.

And for a week he pestered me to come over.

Why don’t we go out, get tea or something?

Or I could come over. Late.

And I kinda lost it.

I told a friend the whole story.

He has already had the greatest dessert in the world
and wants seconds
before dinner
To which my response was:
I’m pretty sure my friend thought I was mad at him. I’m not mad at him, I’m mad that I made the same analogy in my head.

I think that every dating person (maybe just every person) has a thing that their lizard brain is afraid of, your body is the only part of you anyone has ever loved all the way up to you’re too ugly/fat/short/tall to be deserving of love. A thing that lurks there in the back of your mind leeching that feeling into your body and waiting for words to put to it. And as soon as you feed it such a phrase it grows to 5 times it’s size and takes up residence in your inner ear, flooding your brain with it’s particular brand of sweet sweet nothings.

My personality isn’t broccoli, my vagina isn’t ice cream. All of me is caramelized onions, delicious in every way.

But when I scream that at the lizard she doesn’t cower, I need a sentence that can put the lizard back in her cage. I’ll never be rid of her but I can learn to be louder than her.

The lizard is your friend, but a little scary, too. She lurks deep within, operating on millennia of aggregated evolutionary knowledge, so she remembers a lot. Like how for thousands of generations, women required strong relationships with strong men in order to simply survive. How, without someone to protect them, our foremothers were vulnerable in every way. How dearly so many of them suffered for it.

So when a liberated modern gal such as yourself contemplates leaving a romantic relationship, even a middling-to-shitty one, the lizard feels she is honor-bound to make you stop, to get right up in your face and scream stuff like you’ll never do better and you’re not getting any younger and you’re lucky to have anyone at all and any man is better than no man and THESE ARE FACTS DAMMIT!

Now, given what she’s seen, her reaction is completely understandable. But it screws up your life, too! Because she ensures that even here in the future that is now, and even when you know you’d be far better off on your own, it still feels like the act of breaking up might actually kill you.

… it slithers up from the the dankest sub-basement of consciousnes and demands our attention whether we like it or not. And if we want to be able to operate rationally in this realm, to have enough faith to let go of bad stuff so we can find better stuff, we have to learn how to handle it.

Thankfully, this can be done! How? You just never let the lizard be in charge. She is trying to protect you in her loving creepy way, so hear her out and be sweet to her and maybe give her some nice bugs to eat. But don’t forget that she is willing to make tradeoffs that you are not. Really awful tradeoffs. For her, any man really is better than no man, and that is bananas!! So listen to the lizard but decide what to do with the rest of your brain. Never ever let her get wet or eat after midnight or take control. [x]


The Most Surprising Tongue In Cheek Of The Day


I’m not even sure what to say about ALL that. Here are all the thoughts I had during the 4 minutes and 23 seconds.

  • Calling out fat-shaming, even of women who have just given birth.
  • Choosing going back to the office over housework.
  • Pulling a bit of slut-shaming.
  • Calling out slut shaming.
  • Completely over the top twerking that seems to be trying to call out twerking. A sort of pop music GPOY.
  • “Have you thought about your butt, who’s gonna tear it in two?” – Hello to you too porn industry and general misogynistic language, nice to see you made it to the party.
  • Holy shit that is a lot of butt.
  • Baggy pussy” I just laughed out loud to my empty room and had to rewind to catch the lyrics I missed.
  • “inequality promises that its here to stay. Always trust the injustice cause it’s not going away.” I love fun political art that makes me dance! It’s my favorite!!!

All in all it’s damn well stuck in my head though.

Deviant/Default, Media

Hotel Transylvania

I saw Hotel Transylvania.

“I went to see the first Sex In the City movie. You know, because I was just looking for… a chick flick, you know. I wasn’t looking for any sort of emotion… I was just… in New York that weekend, my best girl friend was with me. So we go and sit down and watch a movie… and there’s Jennifer Hudson doing Mammy and we were like ((gasp)) But why didn’t anyone tell us? And why would that be necessary? …why—in a movie about 21st Century women living in New York who’ve never bothered to meet any black women during the entire time that they’ve lived in New York on the television show—must they now suddenly have a Mammy? And why does it have to be Jennifer Hudson, who we love? … why is this happening? …why am I having to have a black feminist moment when I’m trying to try to see, like, a fun movie?! … this is the point I’m trying to make… you can just be wandering through your life, not really trying to have a race or gender experience, and then here comes an image. Here comes the tilt[ed worldview]. And you’ve got to figure out… how to engage that crooked image.”

-Melissa Harris-Perry @ UCSD [x]

I love this part of her speech so much! It’s a fantastic response to that meme where people in fandom and the mainstream talk about how people who point out problems with media are just “trying to be offended.” Nooo. People want to live their lives and the offensive crap just keeps popping up! [x]

Hotel Transylvania was supposed to be a silly night out with a friend I never get to see.  It’s a kids movie for goodness sake.  We thought we’d be laughing at fart jokes all night long.  But alas no.

In the first 10 minutes the only females we see are the protagonist’s daughter who he endlessly vows to protect and keep safe, and his wife who has already found her way into the metaphorical refrigerator.

After this it’s another 10 minutes until we meet another female.  She is Frankenstein’s Monster’s harpy wife who nags him for a minute and then another male character puts her head back in her box, sits on it and announces “You’re welcome.”  Not a great start.

The next woman we see is pregnant for the umpteenth time and her husband is equally frustrated with her.

The next one is a mummy who was clearly traced from Jessica Rabbit.

The next notable woman appeared in order to eat humorously large things like scooters.  She looked kind of like Roz from Monsters Inc.

Catherine and I knew we were in trouble when we got to the Mrs. Frankenstein but we didn’t realize just how bad it was going to get until almost the credits.  (I would put a spoiler warning here but I really hope you don’t see the movie) In the end we learn that the moral is that the uptight dad should be less uptight and that Fridge-mom’s dying wish was for her daughter to believe in love at first sight.

I spent $13 to laugh about farts and ended up being bombarded with virginity euphemisms, Smurfettes, Fridge-Women and other sexist tropes.

It’s so disappointing that a film for children billed as teaching “don’t be mean to people just because they’re different” can be so offensive.  Such a disappointment.


If Your Product Were Any Good You Wouldn’t Need Sexism To Sell It

Sociological Images has a great post right now with commercials for Slim Jim’s.

If you click on that one you can find the others, but they’re not very good so I’m not going to put them all here.

Want some more sexist commercials?

And my personal favorite overtly sexist commercial of all time (this one can be watched at work as long as you turn the sound off and your boss isn’t behind you).

My point here?

And about the masculinity policing in the Slim Jim’s advertisements check out these awesome Ye Olde pictures that prove that the conceptions we have of masculinity are recent and arbitrary.


Intimacy, Sex

The Promise And Peril Of Sexual Hierarchy

So I was faced with an interesting topic recently.

A friend of mine has a new beau and the other night in bed after messing around in various ways they ended the night with him touching himself and her giving a gentle assist with her tongue nearby (The Joy of Euphemisms).

In the morning he asked her if she was upset by this.  That they didn’t “have sex.” (before I go off on this, points to the boy for asking questions!)

When she brought this up to me I was really confused because in my opinion that is sex.  It’s not intercourse but it’s sexual contact.  And if it was enjoyable and pleasurable and consensual for both parties then it could even be considered good sex.

In our society we have this notion that there is a hierarchy to sex.

Kissing, groping, naked groping, oral sex, and then at the top of the pyramid is intercourse which we refer to as ‘real sex.’

Well I don’t like that hierarchy.

We say that sex is one act and that everything else is just foreplay but is that really how it feels?  Is sex just when tab A goes into slot B?  Or is it when you get to feel vulnerable and beautiful with another person?

I know plenty of women who have activities they ‘enjoy’ more than intercourse and those activities are treated like condiments.  Optional.  Some places offer them and some just don’t.

While the activity most men favor is made literally the standard.

sex |seks| noun

1 (chiefly with reference to people) sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse : he enjoyed talking about sex | she didn’t want to have sex with him.

(Also, do I need to point out that freaking ‘use in a sentence’ sentence?  Patriarchy!)

Studies show that women are just as orgasmic as men, but while men orgasm from intercourse 78% of the time, women only orgasm 25% of the time.

So, again, why is intercourse of all things, made our proverbial yardstick?

Do what makes you happy.  Don’t pay attention to whether you’ve made it high enough up the list.  Are you happy?  Is your partner happy?

Good.  Go to sleep.

If you want to see the lecture that got me thinking about this Check Out Lisa Wade’s The Promise and Peril of “Hook Up Culture.”  You won’t regret it.