Dating, Friendship

Please Do A Little Of The Work

I know I seem like I don’t want to hang out with you. But its because I feel like you always want me to do all the emotional labor for our time together.

You want me to find a time that works with both of our schedules.

You want me to pick where we go.

You need me to remind you that morning.

And give you directions because you didn’t think to look up the address in advance.

And I hate this because on the one hand those are sort of my favorite things. I love playing tetris with schedules and suggesting we go to this cool thing I heard about. It feels like a love language that I can serenade you with.

And when I feel like you’re abusing that, then this isn’t a friendship anymore. When I feel like you can’t speak back to me in it, cant appreciate my labor or cant be bothered to do the same for me in return, then it hurts so deeply.

So I dare you to do it. I tell you

“I would love to hang out with you.

I place on your shoulders the task of finding a where and when.”

And you fail. And it breaks my heart-You must not love me at all.



Bar Raised

I did a really excellent thing the other day.

I ended a relationship.

Well, I think in the future we’ll agree that I just called out our friendship as the friendship that it is and cancelled the romantic effort we had layered on top of it.

I saw this post today and fell in love with it.

This last relationship taught me what it feels like to be cared for like this.

I’m so grateful for it.

Last night I was talking to a friend about this experience.

I told her that it was a hard decision to make because this guy was so caring, he’s such a wonderful partner in a way I’ve never felt from a person I was dating before.

She made me feel so wonderful about it.

She said that’s exactly what dating is for. You meet people and learn from them what you need and what you can’t stand. And then you know to look for those things in the future. You can learn how you need to be treated from your relationship with Tom, what you’re attracted to from Dick and what you can’t live without from Harry. Then you find someone who has enough of those things to be your partner.

So I consider this whole thing a huge success.

Because now I know what it feels like to be looked at like this. And that bar is raised forever.

Dating, Relationships

FemaleGazing’s Bona Fide Get-Over-Him Routine, Step… Much Later


Spoiler alert, breaking up gets easier to do.

I was out with a guy last night and he asked me if I had ever been in love before. The answer that popped into my head was one I didn’t expect.

Yes, and it was recent and it hurt and I’m still learning from it, but I don’t think that’s very interesting anymore. I’m doing a lot of cooking these days, I never thought that would be something I’d be very interested in.

No one who knows me would have been able to guess that I’d find cooking more interesting than relationships but alas, that is where I am right now.

Why should I be sad? I have lost someone who didn’t love me. But they lost someone who loved them.

-a positive way to look at a shitty situation (via upabovetheworld)

Dating, Intimacy, Relationships

Thank You For Telling Me About Yourself

Around new years I went through a really needy phase. I don’t know why but it seemed like all my friends were. Maybe it was the holiday hangover. Maybe it was all the not hearing from the guys we were seeing, but for whatever reason it seemed like every single friend of mine spent the first week of 2014 sending questionable, unreturned texts to people who had seen them naked in 2013.

And then something pretty cool happened. The people on the other end of those phones started responding.

Now it’s no secret that I’m seeing multiple people these days and all of them got a pretty equal amount of unsolicited correspondence.

The first finally got back to me and told me basically that I needed to back off. I was texting too much, expecting too much, I was just too much. And to be fair, he’s a bit too little (in the interesting personality department, get your mind out of the gutter) so I’m not surprised that this was the straw that broke him.

The next responded the next morning “Hey! Sorry I thought I’d responded. You’re not crazy. What’s up?”

And the last called yesterday. “Sorry I’ve been AWOL, I’ve been out of town. I’m not avoiding your calls, I promise.”

The point is that I treated all of these guys the same way. I was just me. Me at my neediest. Live and in living color.

And for the guys for whom I’m worth that price of admission, it wasn’t even slightly a problem.

It just served as a pop quiz, “do you like me enough to be worth my emotional time?”

No, Yes, Yes.

Cool. I’ll adjust my expectations accordingly.

The point is:

Be your crazy self. Let’s face it, you’re going to eventually anyway. Anyone who doesn’t want to deal with that isn’t someone you should deal with.

Dating, Intimacy, Relationships

My Boo-Thang

I was just reading this article about not entertaining people you don’t see a future with after you hit 25 and it got me thinking about this candle.

Last week I bought a guy a candle. I liked this guy, he liked candles, so I bought him a candle. Please note it also smells like my favorite smell in the whole world, so it’s kind of a gift to myself in a way.

And I felt kinda weird about it but I wanted to do it and so I did it.

The guy I bought it for is what is apparently called a “boo thang,” which I’m deciding to describe as such:

Sort of “boyfriend-lite,” someone I can text with but don’t have to call each night. Someone I can enjoy having meals and sleepovers with but don’t feel pressured to close my OKCupid account for. Someone I can have a sort of mini-relationship with. Someone I want to be dating even though I doubt he’ll ever make it to proper boyfriend status.

And we’re perfectly matched for that.

And who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind and want to buy him and only him lots and lots of candles one day.

But for now I’m under 25 and entertaining people I don’t see a real future with sounds fine by me.

Besides, no one is making me choose just yet.

Dating, Feelings, Friendship

Stop Apologizing And Be Better

A friend of mine was asking for boy advice the other day.

The guy he was dating totally blew him off after they made plans to go out that night. He clearly believed in “ask forgiveness later” over “ask permission now.” Not always the worst policy but also not always the best.

So the next day this guy called and apologized and tried to reschedule, and my friend was asking me if he should forgive him.

When someone you care about makes you feel bad about yourself apologies don’t really help. You like him so seeing him feel bad, feel sorry, doesn’t make you feel better.

I don’t want you to apologize, I know you’re sorry. I want you to show that I’m important to you, that I’m worth an extra 5 minutes or hour of your time, that the things I care about are important to you simply because I care about them and you care about me. And an apology doesn’t do that. So shut up and do.

Confidence, Relationships

I Focus On Me All The Time

A few weeks ago I accidentally set up some friends of mine on a date. Afterwards I asked one of them how it went and he said,

“He’s cool and stuff but I’m not really in a dating place right now. It’s actually been really nice to have some time to focus only on me.”

To which I responded,

“I focus on me all the time. It’s just that sometimes I invite other people to focus on me with me.”

Truest story ever.

Friendship, Relationships

Breakup Season

A few times a year you hit a week or two when it just feels like breakup season. You get calls from across the country, weeping, late at night. Usually chirpy coworkers dragging themselves in, forgetting stuff and ducking out to the bathroom a lot.

You feel for them, comfort them. Talk them through their first solitary meals in months. Distract them while they’re getting dressed in the morning. Buy them ice cream.

And all the while a little piece at the bottom of your heart is saying “And everyone was worried about me missing out on that?”


You’re my Rhinoceros

I got some really interesting feedback on my post from last week about the word boyfriend.

To me, the word boyfriend means the person who I’m auditioning to be my husband and who I’m expecting to land the gig. We’re past callbacks and we’re in the workshop phase, he’s hired for a limited trial run and we’re just working out whether he could survive the move to Broadway.

Meanwhile a friend of mine argued that she still uses the word boyfriend to describe the guy she just moved in with and it’s beginning to sound too petty for the level of commitment they have to one another.

So I’m starting a glossary.

Hookup – Kissed him on Friday, forgot his name by Saturday.

Date – Person I went on a date with and would or would not go on another date with, perhaps in a rotation of other more or less casual people.

Rhinoceros – He’s my… We… He’s not my boyfriend, he’s just… mine, ish. His lips are. But not exclusively. We’re still figuring it out.

Yankee – Person seen in a longterm style including “plus 1” status, casually and with no expectation of largescale romantic commitments ie monogamy, moving in, children. Yes, we have understandings about what constitutes a betrayal of our boundaries. No, it is not important to me that YOU understand them.

Boyfriend – He knows all my friends, he’s my date to just about every opening night party/wedding. I would feel comfortable bringing him to thanksgiving dinner with my grandmother. In fact I would probably feel more comfortable at thanksgiving dinner if he were there.

Husband/Fiance – We are Mr. and Mrs. Crypt Keeper, welcome to our home. We cook together. I do not have slumber parties with my friends anymore.

ManPerson – Umbrella term. A male person who I have kissed or have intention of kissing. Don’t ask me for specifics.

The important thing about this list is that it doesn’t matter at all. What matters is that these are the things I’m trying to express when I use these words. And I can define and redefine them whenever I want so long as I inform the involved parties. I’m at the point in my life for Yankees and Rhinoceri. When I’m ready for a Boyfriend I’m sure I’ll redefine the word to mean whatever we want it to mean then.

Dating, Friendship, Relationships, Sisterhood

You’ve Got A Girl At Home And That’s Not My Problem

TayTay’s position on this age old question seems to reside firmly on the I won’t do that to another lady side of the line but a few years ago a male friend of mine voiced a not-unreasonable alternative.

Your relationship is not my problem.

What a crazy notion.  Your relationship is not my problem, it’s your problem.  If you want to mess it up with me (or anybody else) then that’s your choice.  I’m not going to drag you away from some other lady but I’m also not going to police your penis.  You are a grown man with the ability to make choices and take responsibility for them.  You shouldn’t need me to help you stay in your relationship and if you do then it seems to me you’ve got other issues to deal with.

So while I’m on the bandwagon with sisterhood I’m also on the bandwagon with men taking responsibility for their own actions even when horny.  I don’t think that’s so unreasonable as I did back when I was in High School.