Why Do I Like You?

Why do I want to be with you?

Because I want to see all the things that happen when you’re around.

Life is more interesting when you’re by my side.

Here’s the thing though…

That’s not actually true.

That’s how I feel about me.

It’s how you should feel about me too.

I’m the context for change, excitement, growth, and fun.

So why do I like you?

Do I?

Feelings, Friendship

I Play A Game

Can I tell you a secret? There’s a little game I’ve been playing with myself.

I give myself points every time I do a good thing, a mitzvah, a thing I’m proud of.

And those points are redeemable in acts of self-love.

I treated myself to a healthy homemade lunch and also a fancy dinner with lots of sauces.

I ate 3 mini brownies on Thursday.

I told a guy I liked that I liked him.

I painted my nails.

I took myself to yoga.

When I do things I respect I think I’m worthy of love. And then I give that love to myself.

When other people do things I respect I think they’re worthy of my love. And similarly deliver. Easy simple rules.

Bodies, Confidence

A Handful Is All You Need

I’m incredibly proud of my relationship with my body, especially my breasts. And why wouldn’t I be? They’re perfect. The left is called “Per” and the right is called “Fect”.

And nothing makes me feel more grateful, not for them so much as for my comfort with them, as this series from The Cut.

The slideshow is amazing.

In a long life breasts are many things to many people. Sexualized, ignored, too much, too little.

It rings so true that even though some of the notes disagree with each other, you can agree with all of them. One may be complaining about them weighing too much, and another can be about them feeling too small, and it’s possible to agree with both.

It gives you permission to feel whatever you do feel about them.

There are so many images of breasts in the world. If you have breasts it can feel like they’re always on display, for comment. Subject to someone else’s lens, typified by their own preferences.

There’s something so different about the only important qualifier being your personal feelings about your own personal body.

Confidence, Self-Care

How Do You Stay You

I haven’t been writing much lately.

To be fair, I haven’t been talking much lately.

And I’ve been trying to feel (and think about feels) less lately too.

So… SorryNotSorry.

No sorry.

No sorry’s. No apology at all.

I apologize to myself. I apologize to me for the lies I’ve been telling me. I’ve put myself in a new position lately where I keep being shamed into silence on way or another.

Sometimes I get asked what tool I’m going to use to accomplish a task and when I answer the question I’m met with an incredulous and judgement-filled exclamation and expression “That way?! That’ll take a million years!” Well thanks for shouting about my idiocy in the middle of the office.

I come into the room in a good mood with a smile on my face and when I’m asked what’s up and then start responding about 5 words in I’m waved off.

It’s exhausting.

And even more exhausting, I’m noticing it seep into the rest of my life.

My best friend is telling me that I’ve been doing less talking and more listening with her (she complained about it. Can you even imagine?)

So what do I do about this?

When you feel like you’re being shut down, how do you climb your way back out?

Confidence, Dating

Be A Rose, Or A Daisy, Or Whatever

I was working with a friend the other day when we ran into a woman I know. She might be younger than us but only barely.

“Your friend is cute.”

A few hours later she came back.

“Nah, I changed my mind.”

And then a few hours later.

“You know, I think the thing about her is that she’s very pretty, but she just doesn’t have anything womanly about her. You know? It’s not even that she looks… pre-pubescent or anything, she just feels so young, you know? Her voice, the way she phrases questions, the way she looks at you, like a kid.”

A bit later I realized what I liked about this description.

I’ve been called womanly before, as a compliment and it never felt like much of one. Womanly, duh, I’m a woman. Is that a boob comment?

But having an idea of someone who is without that quality made it easier to pick out what defines that quality in my head. An earthyness, a groundedness. Somewhere between maternal and mysterious. Spontaneous and in control.

This young woman has many charms but it was interesting to see the definition of a compliment reflected in the opposite of it in someone else.

It just goes to show the diversity of humans and how every kind of person is beautiful to someone.

Confidence, Self-Care, Sisterhood

The Gift Of Self Love, Hopefully By Exposure

On Wednesday I posted this beautiful comic.

I didn’t talk about the mom though. Check out how satisfied she is. I love images of people who are invested in bringing out self-love in others.

I have… high self-confidence. Verbally.

You: Nice to meet you.

Me: I’m nice to meet.

And I catch a lot of heat for it. People think I’m stuck up, but let me ask you this, how could I be a narcissist when I don’t even know how to spell it?

But the truth is (I like to think) that the longer you spend around me doing that the more it rubs off on you. I can be proof that loving yourself doesn’t always have to be a struggle. And it can be practiced quickly and painlessly every day. This summer I’ve shown myself love by making iced tea and ice pops. And also by telling everyone around me how amazing I am.


Dating, Grief

FemaleGazing’s Bona Fide Get-Over-Him Routine, Step 3

Do something you love, or that you’ve always wanted to do! Remind yourself that there are things in this world that you love and enjoy.

See a musical.

Eat a corn dog.

Have a new sexual experience.

Take ibuprofen when you get cramps.

Look at some pictures of Frida Kahlo.

Watch Peeno Noir a dozen times.

Steal a really nice pen from a bank.

Look at pictures of really neat embroidery.

Just treat yourself, ok?

Abuse, Consent, Relationships, Sex

Am I Arrogant Or Am I Just Winning?

I’m doing a social experiment called ‘agreeing with boys when they compliment you’.

the results:

It’s like men fear that if I can love and appreciate myself then I won’t need them. They should pray for that. They should hope that I love and appreciate myself enough so that I never need them, I want them.

The fact that a woman who appreciates herself and loves every inch of her body and her mind is perceived as arrogant and vain whereas a woman who struggles with self esteem issues is more or less the norm and seen as modest clearly shows how society is trying to belittle woman and trick them into thinking they somehow have to feel inadequate all the time. [x]

Dating, Feelings

New Years

Last year on new years eve I started off my 2014 with a kiss. A kiss from someone who I like as a friend but never want to be physically intimate with. He asked if he could kiss me and I said “Only if I can’t find anyone else in the next 5 minutes” and he was thrilled. At 30 seconds to midnight he asked again and I said “Fine.” He kissed me and I allowed his lips to kiss my closed ones for a few seconds before I pulled away.

Just a side note: this is not a gross guy. This guy is very cute, young, pretty, I just couldn’t be attracted to him even when I tried.

After this kiss he put his arm around me like he had succeeded in his goals and was looking forward to taking me home. At some point when I had had enough I turned around, took his hand and said, “I’m really sorry I have to say it this way but you need to know that I’m not interested in you this way. You’re great, really, but I’m just not and I don’t want to lead you on.”

He backed away, very clearly not wanting this exchange to go on any longer than absolutely necessary, mumbled some awkward “It’s ok, sorry, thanks, no problem,” stuff and I left the party to finish my night elsewhere.

And thus started a year of other men treating me in a similar way, coercing me into doing things I didn’t exactly want to be doing. This year marked the first few times a guy has ever taken a Meh of mine to mean Yes.

So this year on new years eve, when another friend approached me and asked if he might be my midnight kiss (a friend who I love, am attracted to, and have kissed in the past) I said no thanks. I’d rather ring in this new year not kissing anyone I’m not in love with. Just wishing a really happy year to the entire universe from the bottom of my heart.

And we’ll see what kind of year that energy brings me.

2015 will be a selfish year. My time and focus will be invested on me. On improving myself. I want to become a better person physically and mentally. I want to let go of my fears and learn to love myself.

(via yayhaz) [x]