Tag Archives: OKCupid

Thanks For Looking Out

9 Mar

As a good single millennial I have an Okcupid profile. And that profile is exactly as brazen as this blog is. Exactly. As. Brazen.

I am firmly of the belief that the greatest purpose of the Online part of Online Dating is the weeding-out part.

I want to put the things that are going to offend the religious and sex negative at the very top. If my existence would send them screaming, better they should run screaming from a webpage that portends to represent my existence and spare me from having to see/hear their cries, I just don’t have the time.

file-mar-04-9-11-26-am

How this man has offended me. Let me count the ways.

You care about me? You’re just telling me this because u care about me so much? And all this care is because you’re a fellow (lowercase) jew? Because, what, knowing that fact about me suddenly makes me your little sister?

Also, you’re the run around player? I truly have a hard time imagining that. And what decade are you living in? Run around player? Seriously?

And what exactly is it you’re trying to warn me against? Is it that no man in the universe (grave, very grave) would want a serious relationship – point blank? That’s what your words are saying, but A) have you met any men? and B) if that’s what you were thinking about then why would you send your grave concern to me?

More likely what you were attempting to say (though perhaps you should quit using words, like forever) is that no guy in the universe would ever have a serious relationship with me because I am a woman who mentions sex.

Really, what you’re telling me is that you are a guy who would “bullshit” and say you are interested in something serious as a way to do what exactly? Be Runaround Sue?

You’re also telling me that you would never be with a woman who talked to you about the sex you were theoretically having with her, which tells me that you are… what is the polite way to say this? Horrible in bed, so unable-to-learn-from-your-mistakes bad that there was no reason for a woman to waste her breath giving you notes. We’ve all been there. You’re right, such a player.

Also, “I will tell u.” I will tell u? U will tell me what? You’ve lived inside your body for 37 years which gives you the authority to curb my behavior on behalf of all men? Did you run a PPP Poll? Half the planet has given you their blessing, want you to be their voice, they nominated you to nit pick at women’s behavior on the internet?

And “I’m that guy so please don’t be offended.” I burn. Don’t be offended? Are you five years old? I’m offended that your alleged player-ness makes you feel that you have the right to police my behavior.

Because it does not.

And one more thing about sex. Just because it makes me happy to talk about sex and it makes you unhappy to read it. In BDSM there’s this practice that I think is a bit silly where if you talk about a Dom/sub relationship a lot of people use a capital ‘D’ and a lowercase ‘s’ because the Dom is big and strong and the sub is meek.

“Im the run around player and i will tell u” No. Absolutely not.

The First Rule of Internet Dating is You Do Not Talk About Internet Dating

11 Apr

You know what I hate?

When I meet a guy from OkCupid and since the only thing we have in common so far is OkCupid, he asks me how I’m enjoying OkCupid.

I’m not enjoying OkCupid. I’m engaging in a love/hate relationship with OkCupid. OkCupid is a necessary evil.

But there’s no way for me to say that nicely so instead I just resent being asked the question.

I have, as of late, come up with a great workaround for this though. It’s especially great for dates that are off to an awkward start.

“I have this game I like to play on first dates. Do you want to play? Cool, so my friend… uh Becca is dating your friend… Nathan? And they set us up tonight. Becca told you two facts about me, that I’m 1) a blogger and 2) a life-long New Yorker. And Nathan told me two facts about you… That you’re…?”

May the force be with you friends.

What Do You Think Of My Profile?

27 Jan

Dear OKCupid users,

What is the proper response to this question?

What does this question even really mean?

What are the Marxist implications of this question?

What did I think of your profile? I thought that it told me you are as bad at translating your personality into a paragraph as I am.

While reading your profile and looking at your pictures I thought “Is this really the best system we can come up with for meeting people? Isn’t this the future? Where is my jet-pack.”

While looking at your pictures I thought “these pictures all look like they’re of different people. Eh, I guess mine do too.”

While reading the answers to your questions I got distracted by the fact that many of my own are situational and old anyway.

While looking at your “Details” section I realized how disturbing it is that I know you were online at 10:33 last night. I don’t even know your name.

While looking at your favorite music and movies I thought momentarily that we were soul mates and then momentarily that I hated you. And then I switched back and forth until I got to the six things you could never do without.

While looking at the six things you couldn’t live without I thought about how I would probably get hit by a car and get lost on the subway if not for my phone. And also remembered that I was hungry.

What did I think of your profile? I thought I’d rather just go to a meeting of all the people who raised their hands when reading this.

What did I think of your profile? I thought that I hate this.

But I’m pretty sure the answer you’d prefer is “UR cute.”

“I will never apologize for being me, but I will apologize for the times that I am not.”

– Michael Carini (via lonehands)

How To Court Me On Okcupid

27 Jan

Inspired by Jodi Foster, I have a closet I want to come out of.

I have an account on OKCupid.

Here are some tips I can give to any guy (and probably girls too) who think maybe they’d like to have a nice substantial relationship with someone like me (I’ll refrain from using the word ‘normal’ here but you know what I mean.  Not addicted to drugs, not just looking for a pair of genitals).

1) Don’t mention the hotness of your body in your username.  First of all you will probably disappoint.  Second of all you’re clearly overcompensating for something.  Third, how superficial do I look?  Fourth, you can’t even spell the word ‘hot’ correctly, I dare you to have an interesting conversation about the state of the American theater with me.

2) Don’t be a ‘Nice Guy.’  Oh, gag me.  Yes, I’d rather an interesting and decent person than someone whose only claim to fame is that they weren’t intentionally jackasses to women at every opportunity presented.  I work in theater.  I refrain from saying cruel things to people all day every day.  It isn’t that hard and doesn’t win you much support.

Also, you clearly… are wrong about everything in this world including the definition of ‘nice’.  Even Picard facepalms at you.

3) Don’t neg me, bro.

For this section I’d like to give you a little tour of my inbox.

Oct 23: I hate your face…

Yeah, this is the only one I could find in my inbox because I usually just immediately get irate and delete negging.  There are plenty to be found though.

The fact that you were able to type out over 100 characters on your short time away from the kitchen is either impressive on your part, or shameful on the man who owns you. [x]

I can’t.  I just…  I can’t even.

4) Don’t tell me how much you’d like to get in my pants, poorly, and with no punctuation.

(All from different people unless otherwise stated)

On Jan 7 : Interested

On Jan 5: if u would allow me

Jan 1: damn!

Dec 31: amazing

Dec 31, 8:25pm: we should fuck

Followed 10 minutes later by: Would you like to fuck

Dec 31, 2pm: I usually would never say such a thing, but I got a massive hard on reading your profile. Sorry. Just thought you wouldn’t mind knowing.

Yeah, I mind.  I freaking mind.  What in this world makes you think I wouldn’t freaking mind? Was it the big feminist blog I write plastered all over the page?

5) Don’t be a huge creep.

 

Why am I still on OKCupid again?