Who Pays For This

I go on a lot of first dates and there are a few things that come up a lot.

Yes, I’m a feminist blogger who has also won a jello wrestling tournament.

Yes, I frequently let guys pay for things and open doors for me.

The truth is that there’s a whole equation that runs in my head when I’m figuring out what to do with the bill.

Do I like you?

Do you like me?

Do you seem to really want to pay for it?

Do I want you to get what you want?

Do you clearly link paying the tab with your masculinity and will it please me to deny you that?

Have you been a waste of my time?

Do you make more money than me?

Did you offer?

Will you be smug? I hate smug.


Feminist Vs. Egalitarian


I love following the Planned Parenthood tumblr. My family and friends fun of me for enjoying the minutiae of language and terms. For explaining the difference between bi and pan at dinner. For all sorts of made up terms and differences.    

The reason I love words is that they can help you understand an entire group of people, they can help you see the entire world more clearly. Who wouldn’t want that?   

So here is a definition of how to respect and empower other people veiled in a description of third wave feminism.


Adair You To Be Awesome

This is the most heartening thing I’ve ever seen.

Also, I want to point out that in the full news report the founders say “They’re pants for when you wanted to have a ‘lazy day'”

That’s what women say. I’m not having a lounge. I’m having a lazy day. Even when women want to have a little R&R they can’t help but use a negative word to describe how they do it. The words we use are important, their positivity can be important too.

Media, Sisterhood

I Love Amy Schumer

Today I watched the latest episode of Inside Amy Schumer.

An Episode, any episode, they’re all brilliant.

You know what I love about that show? It’s that it feels like it’s just the contents of her brain, spilled out all over the place, the good, the bad and the ugly. In any given episode there will be some amazing, subversive feminist pieces like this.

Or this

Or this

And there will also be other random stuff she finds funny like this

And her humor includes the gross and scatological.

I don’t love absolutely everything but she’s a person with a broad sense of humor. And I love that she’s allowed to express all of it.

How excited am I to see her movie? Very excited.

Friendship, Gender, Kyriarchy

Closet Feminists

Recently I’ve become quite close to someone who I’ve started calling a closet feminist. He’s like a young pop star in that he spouts feminist ideals and then in the next breath shuns the F-word. He prefers the dinky ‘humanist’ and says that he doesn’t like the stereotype the label would reflect on him. Apparently he’s afraid that if he uses the word then people will think he’s a dumpy female elementary school teacher. Clearly I disagree. I think he could own the title and be an example of how the word doesn’t imply that stereotype. But I digress.

He doesn’t like the word feminist because apparently it isn’t inclusive enough. Or he doesn’t feel like he owes anyone anything because he doesn’t think being male has been an advantage in his life. Something like that. Digressing. Digressing.

…But what the word “feminist” does do is acknowledge the very long history of the women’s rights movement. I agree with what [Joss Whedon is] saying: It should just be assumed men and women are equally important and equally capable—but it’s not, and it hasn’t been for thousands of years. So, “feminism” and being a “feminist” is an acknowledgement of that history and the culture we’ve lived in for a long time. It’s a reaction to that, but for me, that’s an important acknowledgement to make.

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT (via carolineeand)

Something I love about the word feminism is that it can encompass so much kyriarchy. It can be a catch all in acknowledging so much privilege.

Having privilege doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you should feel guilty or that you owe anyone anything.

No, let me amend that, it means you owe the world a little bit of attention. Being a citizen of the world means you owe it consideration. You owe it to yourself and the people around you to be aware and sometimes grateful to those who have set you on your journey. It’s not a big debt, it doesn’t reflect poorly, I just think it’s a small thing we can all do.

Politics, Sexism

Emma Watson For Heforshe

When I woke up this morning this was blasted across all of social media.

It’s a great speech, you should give it a listen.

And I keep thinking about her fitness for this appointment. Emma Watson isn’t my favorite person to watch act, but she might be one of my favorite actresses. I don’t enjoy watching her pretend to be another person but I do enjoy watching her be herself.

However, she is very popular, among men and women.

And if every guy who has ever jerked it with her in mind watched this video, then that would be a lot of views.

People talk about the power that beautiful women hold over men. I should hope so, and I hope we get to see it here.

Update: Instead of men responding positively to a woman they claim to have positive feelings towards asking for their help and participation, they threaten to sexually violate her.

Sometimes optimism is hard.


Just Watching Beyonce’s VMA Performance and Crying

There’s a lot of stuff going on in the world that I want to and don’t have the words to talk about. Other people have spoken about Ferguson  so much better than I can. There’s the girl carrying around a mattress which seems to actually be getting people to pay attention to sexual assault on college campuses. This world is full of people busily making a mess of it. So instead of making myself sad with all of that I decided to watch Beyonce’s VMA performance instead. I thought it would be a light use of 15 minutes. And now I’m crying. Here are my thoughts from the 15 minute video (which apparently WordPress has a hard time presenting. Just click the link):

I love the mixture of park-n-bark and dancing (in a way that allows her to also sing) and also choosing to just dance. It’s the opposite of the Katy Perry lipsync catastrophy and live singing mess. Beyonce designed this routine so she could dance when she wanted to dance and sing when she wanted to sing.

Dude, she is using that microphone! I cant present that as fact obviously, but I love that I even believe it.

A lot of the lyrics I heard in a new way watching her enjoy them. “Don’t be so scared just do what I tell.” She isn’t bossy, she is THE boss and you can do what she tells.

I love the afros! I love the natural hair. I love seeing all her dancers together, it feels like everyone is represented.

Anyone who saw her in Dreamgirls knows that Beyonce isn’t a great actress. The caveat being, when she’s singing. And maybe it’s because when she’s singing she doesn’t have to fake anything, she just goes with a feeling. That’s certainly what it feels like here.

There are no costume changes for her! It makes me feel like she’s just laying all her cards out. “These are all facets of me. One me.” and it feels like there are no special effects, it’s just her performing herself.

“How did you wake up today?” This was probably my favorite part of the performance. The way she said that and sang the song gave me so much hope. It felt like she was thinking “If I can get them to sing it out loud, if I can dance hard enough then they’ll believe it. They’ll actually believe they’re flawless.”

I LOVE the joy on her face as she listens to Blue’s voice swim and reverberate all around her. The pride and the pleasure. It’s really beautiful.

Also, the other musicians in the audience reacting to her is amazing. Taylor Swift enjoying the hell out of it and also knowing she can’t compare. Even better though is the jealousy etched into the “bored” faces of the Jenner girls and that couple standing next to Swift who look like they want to jump off a cliff.

P.S. I watched it a second time and cried again.

Bodies, Confidence

Shake It Off In Multitudes

The other day I got to spend time with someone I’ve missed. Our friendship took a brief detour into romance-land and then had to take a break to get out of it but now we’ve gotten back home into comfortable I-want-to-talk-about-everything-and-nothing-with-you-and-get-drunk friendship land. Thank goodness. I’ve missed him.

So we got drinks and talked about everything and nothing. And he mentioned that he’d been reading the blog. He said he likes it when I disagree with something I’ve written previously. It feels like he’s watching me grow.

I’m glad that’s what it feels like for him because for me it can get really confusing. It’s like holding two conflicting arguments in your head at the same time and agreeing with both of them.

Like for example Taylor Swift’s latest catchy tune.

I’ve read the argument that Swift’s use of and shock at twerking black butts is offensive.

And also the equally compelling argument that her inclusion of twerking as a dance as easy to suck at as ballet actually makes it inclusive.

I’d rather the twerking dancers be clearly having as much fun as the other dance troupes. I’ve seen videos of women doing it freestyle and its really something to behold.

We contain multitudes, all of us.