Now That I’ve Spent Some Time Looking For NSA Sex I Can Tell You Some Things I Look For

Air conditioning. You’re all the heating I need. It’s summer in New York. Enough said.

Good judgement. Have condoms, carry them and insist on using them. Suggest meeting in public. Be the guy who proves he has nothing to hide by being willing to prove he has nothing to hide. Make me comfortable.

If I acknowledge that you will never be my primary partner, acknowledge it too. If I say I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you, then I mean it. This isn’t a romantic comedy. Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I mean them.

Be honest if you’re getting in over your head. Thought you could handle this but realized it isn’t for you? That is so completely okay. Thank you for being honest with me, it’s a quality I look for in my friends and everyone I allow into my life. I respect you so much more for it. Wanna meet my friend Amy? She’s really cute and just made of girlfriend material.

Ask lots of questions about what I want/like. Let’s be clear with each other. If we’re all in this to have a good time then let’s have the best time we can have. In fact I’d ideally like us to be as clear and specific with how we’re feeling as my friend is here describing his self-induced pain.

And I want you to be OK with me laughing at you like he is with me putting this up here to be laughed at by all our friends.

Know that my body is mine to do who and what I please. My body, my choice. You certainly have the right to know how much other company I keep but though you have the right to be kept in the loop and though your concerns will be considered I make all choices concerning my body.

Be a person who makes this world safe for women. Dan savage had a rant on episode 345 of his podcast (it’s the first 8 or so minutes of the podcast so go listen) where he talked about how the best way for men to get a hold of No Strings Attached sex is to combat rape culture. Also, I transcribed the following myself so do me a favor and read it.

“Men are scary, men are dangerous. And we live in a sexist misogynistic violent culture where women are abused with impunity… Most women are too smart to take those kinds of risks. Not that some dont want to… if you want there to be more women out there in the world who are up for a casual hookup or a one-night-stand, or a rando encounter, or a fantasy fulfillment session, you should work to combat rape culture. You should work to combat violence that targets women, you should work against prevailing attitudes of so many other straight guys in your orbit who say sexist shitty, rapey things about women.

Every time they do that it really negatively impacts your ability to get laid. It really does. If what you want is a rando, impulsive, YOLO encounter, rape culture, rapey attitudes, shitty things men do and say about women when women aren’t around, that blocks you. That cock-blocks you. If what you want is for straight women to be a little bit freer, a little bit more like gay men, you should combat rape culture.

Of course you should care about this shit whether or not your dick gets wet. I care about this shit and I’m not trying to get my dick into any ladies at all. Right? I care about there being less violence, less sexual violence, less rape, less unplanned pregnancies, less poor women denied access to abortion when they need abortions because I care about women. Even though I don’t want to get my dick wet in a woman.

If you love women, if you’re attracted to women you should really care about this shit. Regardless of whether it gets your dick wet in the end. But guys push back hard against rape culture, make the world safer for women. A world where women aren’t raped, aren’t a target for sexual violence, aren’t abused by their partners, aren’t slut-shamed when they do choose to be sexually active. You are likelier to get laid in that world. And your female friends, relatives, daughters, sisters, wives, less likely to be raped. There’s a lot in it for you pushing back against this shit.

And when I say you should combat rape culture I don’t mean you just stand there going “oh, yeah, rape is bad” whenever there’s a woman around or a woman in the room… you should be “rape is bad” to your male friends because again, when straight guys encourage this culture of regarding women as only objects- I’m pro-“people are objects” at times. I’m pro-objectification. We all want to be objects now and then but we are not all only objects, none of us is only an object. Even the people we objectify shouldn’t always only be objects to us. But if you dont speak up when women are objectified in violent and nasty and degrading and demeaning ways, that’s gonna interfere with your ability to get your dick wet. Wanna get your dick wet more often? Speak up for and defend women… Speak up for all women if you wanna get your dick wet. There’s something in it for you.

-Dan Savage [x]

Advice – Consent Is Hot

So I have this friend who’s a very sweet dude. We’ve lived together for two non-consecutive years, and over that time we’ve had a fair amount of back-and-forth about feminism in the modern age: he’s very much a novice at feminism, but his heart is in completely the right place. His is exactly the kind of “I don’t know this material, please teach me!” attitude towards learning about rape culture, institutional misogyny, and Treating Ladies Right that we need from dudes all over.

But I’ve been having a bunch of conversations with him lately where he tells me that he doesn’t like to, while mackin’ on a date, ask the lady if she wants to have sex with him.
It’s not what you think; he’s not forcing himself on a lady because he doesn’t want to “ruin the moment” by asking for consent. In fact, he does the exact opposite. He stays so far away from bringing it up that the ladies he goes out with are always the ones to initiate. His reasoning is that if he asks whether she wants to have sex, he joins the culture of men who pressure women into having sex: even asking if she wants to have sex is thrown into the category of manipulative and vile behavior. Women don’t want to be asked if they want to have sex, he says, because they are pure beings who are repulsed by the very thought until somehow convinced that sex is awesome, like, somewhere down the line, and can’t they have a nice time without some douchebag asking politely if they would like to take this into the bedroom?

How can I explain to him that a) putting women on that kind of pedestal is a different kind of sexism, and b) that being asked nicely for consent in the context of a date isn’t, in fact, a form of harassment?

I’m putting ‘consent’ on the list of things that I could talk about forever.

First of all I want to say that this is a great example of how when you teach your children that all sex is evil, they don’t have less sex, just less good sex.

First question first:

I don’t care what Cosmo or Disney or Michael Bay told you.  Women are just as likely or unlikely to want sex as a man.  Want to know the secret reason why men don’t know how much women like sex (and my definition of sex is not strictly PIV btw)?  Because men have made damn sure that if a lady expresses desire for sex then bad stuff is going to happen to her.  If you let anyone know you use contraceptives, Rush Limbaugh and half the country call you a slut.  If you get raped, it’s your fault.  If your boyfriend threatens to release a sex tape you made against your will, suck it up.  So us ladies need to be careful about who we share this information with.  And do you know the easiest way to become someone I want to share that information with?  You guessed it!  Show me you respect my desires and boundaries, ask for my permission, ask me what I want to do/done to me, USE YOUR WORDS!  (seriously, dudes, words.  They are magic.  I freaking love words).

The short answer is that you should explain to your friend that putting women on the ‘pure’ pedestal is sexist because women are people and people have sex drives that range from Asexual to Sasha Grey.  Putting all women on the ‘pure’ pedestal says that you think women are not people, you think they’re something else.  And that is wrong.

Your friend needs to read some blogs written by women.  AFeministSub is great.  Pervocracy is too.  Check out LitErotica.com and realize that most of it is written by women because-shocking news- women like sex.  33% of internet porn consumers are women now too.

To your second question:

Being asked nicely for consent in the context of a date is not, in fact, a form of harassment because harassment is when you use your body, your words, or whatever else you have at your disposal to tell me that you put your desire for sex over my desire for whatever the hell I’m desiring be that space, food, sleep, a peaceful work environment, a pleasant jog, or even intimacy.  Asking a gal who agreed to go on a date with you and who is presumably kissing you on the couch Pleasantville style whether she would like to have sex tells her that her desires do indeed matter to you.  That context makes a huge difference.

Plus, a man who asks for explicit consent is extremely sexy.  Have you read me?  And here is why: Knowing that a guy is going to respect my boundaries (and there are many ways to prove you’ll respect my boundaries) makes me trust you.  When I trust you I allow myself to be more vulnerable with you, tell you what I really want because I know that you won’t laugh at me, I’m more comfortable about my body which makes me feel more attractive and more interested in getting down, there are some major pluses in it for this dude.

Also, is that a thing?  Do men think that asking for consent ruins the moment?  Seriously?  I’d accept that as an excuse for sexual assault about as readily as I’d accept ‘I can’t feel anything through it’ as an excuse not to wear a condom.  As Dan Savage likes to say ‘The proof that you can feel through a condom is that they break and you don’t notice.’  Yeah.

Some advice on how to ask that question and how to feel comfortable about asking that question:

Ask permission for every little thing.  It’ll become like a game, and who doesn’t like games?  And it’ll build trust, a rapport, giggles, fun!  ‘May I take your shoes off?  May I take your shirt off?  May I pee?  May I kiss your hem?’  Why the hell not?  If you feel silly asking her if she’d like to go to your room then why not make the mood silly?  It can’t hurt, can it?

Another great thing you can do is tug at clothing but in the ‘on’ direction.  Tug her shirt towards you or down and put your hands on her waist rather than trying to pull her shirt up or moving your hands towards her boobs without permission.  This conveys the feeling of ‘why is this damn piece of clothing in the way of your awesome body but it’s not mine to remove’ instead of ‘I want to see you naked and whether you’re into that or not doesn’t really matter to me’ and will most likely result in her taking it off.

Also, there are very sexy ways to ask someone for permission.  Check that out (VERY NSFW).  Around minute 5 stuff starts heating up and if you watch closely you’ll see them whispering and around 7:20 she says ‘I dunno’ and a few seconds later an enthusiastic ‘ok.’  There are sexy ways to ask questions with your words while in bed and James Deen knows them all.

Always remember though that nothing a woman does (short of either grabbing your penis and putting it in her vagina or saying ‘I want to have sex tonight’) means she wants to have sex with you tonight or ever.  Personally there have been plenty of times when I have ‘moved forward’ with a guy knowing full well that I was not going to have intercourse with him that night or ever.  I’m a pretty brazen lady and I tend to act pretty brazenly.  I have thrown guys into my bed and gotten them naked while having no expectation of having PIV sex.

Also, I want to point out that sometimes if I don’t want to have sex with a guy then in my head I’ll be like ‘I guess I shouldn’t get us all naked and make him think that’s going to happen.’ However- If said guy asks the magic question ‘Do you want to have sex?’ and I’m like ‘no’ and he responds maturely with an ‘ok’ and keeps up with the awesome kissing then I can be like ‘well I didn’t say I didn’t want to have any fun’ and then I can engage in other kinds of  clothingless fun that isn’t all PIV and stuff.

Bottom line- using your words leads to more nakedness than there would have been before.  Using your words means that you’ll get closer to the heart of what each of you is looking to get out of this encounter so you’ll be more likely to get those things.

Can One Hang A Hat On A Vagina?

Today I read a Dan Savage column which (as always) touched me.  I can’t even cut it up it was just so good.

I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that’s always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was uncomfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn’t stop it at the time because I didn’t want to ruin it for him. It’s been some time, and my heart is still broken. I was completely down with every other aspect of the threesome, but I feel like a line was crossed. Am I wrong to feel hurt?

Heartbroken

Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.

You are one stupid motherfucker.

Here’s how you’re a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condition—no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That’s a fairly common ground rule for first-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor that ground rule. But you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway.

Maybe you felt your wife’s no-penis-in-our-third’s-vagina ground rule was arbitrary. Maybe it seemed like a distinction without a difference—you were already sucking and fondling and kissing and rolling around, why should fucking be against the rules?—but it mattered to your GGG wife. And your wife consented to that threesome only after you agreed not to stick your penis in the other woman’s vagina. And when you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway, you stupid motherfucker, that threesome suddenly became a nonconsensual sexual experience for your wife. And now she feels violated.

Because you violated her.

Adding to her feelings of violation, she felt obligated to play along and pretend she was fine with your penis in the other woman’s vagina because she didn’t want to ruin the experience for you, for starters, and she probably didn’t want to make your third feel uncomfortable—a third who either didn’t know about the no-penis-in-her-vagina ground rule or knew about it and didn’t give a shit (which makes her a malicious motherfucker)—and as a result, your wife may feel complicit in her own violation. Talk about mind-fucks!

That’s how you’re a motherfucker. Here’s how you’re stupid: If you had demonstrated to your wife during your very first threesome that you could be trusted, if you had cheerfully observed the ground rules, this threesome would very likely have been the first in a whole series of sexual adventures. If you had kept your penis out of the other woman’s vagina, you stupid motherfucker, your wife might have trusted you with more and allowed you to do more during a future threesome. You might have gotten to penis-in-vagina intercourse with another woman with your wife’s enthusiastic consent!

To others out there with partners who have agreed to have a threesome: Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don’t use tongue when you kiss the other person, don’t use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the other person’s face but not in the hole[s] in the other person’s swimsuit area.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner’s boundaries—honoring those ground rules—sends a message: “I may be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first.”

And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their ground rules are going to be respected—once they see that their partners can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most—those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.

But that’s not gonna happen for you now, you stupid motherfucker, because you couldn’t honor your wife’s ground rules during your first—and most likely last—threesome. You violated her, you violated her trust, and you screwed yourself out of future sexual adventures. If you ever hope to have another threesome, or to realize some other sexual fantasy, or if your wife has a sexual fantasy that she would like to realize (one that you might enjoy helping her realize), you’re going to need to offer her a plausible explanation and an abject apology. (emphasis mine) [x]

I talk a lot about consent because it’s important.  Listening to/reading as many advice columns/shows as I do there are two themes that seem to run rampant.  The first is a trust issue – My SigFig did this and now I can’t trust them.  And the second is one partner wanting a more adventurous sex life – How can I convince my SigFig to do that.  

It seems to me like the two problems are more closely linked than most people give them credit.  Not that monogamish/non-exclusive relationships breed trust issues, in fact I think that when executed correctly they foster more trust than strict monogamous relationships in which both people know they’re harboring thoughts of others they’re afraid to voice to their partner.

Savage’s response made me think of another quote I read and loved lately.

…I’ve started to love the feeling of “coming home” to Rowdy after fooling around with someone else; it’s a wonderful warm thing to be able to say “I like going off and having adventures, but your dick is where I hang my hat.” (emphasis mine)[x]

To have sexual adventures with your non-primary partner obviously requires a high level of trust and the easiest way to build that trust is to show your partner at every step of the way “Yes, insert sexual adventure may be happening but you are where I hang my hat and that’s why I’m not going to go be a stupid mother*ucker and give you a reason not to trust me.”

Side note: It’s very interesting to write this knowing full well that my mother will be reading it proudly.  What a strange world we live in.

Maybe I Call It As I See It

More of Sociological Images being awesome.  If you like them better than me just go read their article.

I’m a believer in Dan Savage’s ‘monogamish’ or ‘pre-negotiated exceptions’ so I’m not morally against AshleyMadison.com.  I am however quite offended by their advertising.  It doesn’t get more male gaze-y than this.

I’ve seen this ad for a while and just had a bad feeling about it but Jaqueline, the plus size model who posed for this picture two years ago (not knowing this was how it would be used of course), explained the worst part about it to Jezebel:

these images aren’t just about mocking large women; they’re about policing all women’s bodies:

A size 2 woman who sees this ad sees the message: “If I don’t stay small, he will cheat”. A size 12 woman might see this ad and think “if I don’t lose 30lbs, he will cheat”. A size 32 woman could see this ad, and feel “I will never find love”.

Thus, all women are told that they are perpetually in competition with all other women for the sexual attention and approval of men, and always on the verge of being ridiculed for the failure to meet impossible standards of feminine attractiveness.

And also from Jaqueline:

It’s bad enough that a business exists that encourages and profits from cheaters, but, worse still, that they have the gall to blame a woman’s body on the act, rather than the man who is incapable of commitment and loyalty. It exists in the same school of thought in which a rapist blames a woman’s outfit for his crime.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Slut shaming, body shaming.  Same s**t, different smell.

I think it’s also worthy of note that this woman who happens to be a size 32 loves her body and is a small business owner.  The ad reduces her to an X for failing to meet the iron maiden standards but in real life she is a smart multifaceted woman, much like the other women of all sizes who are shamed by this ad.

AshleyMadison.com is just stepping on a few thousand women’s faces to make a few bucks.

The Motion Of The Ocean

Today a new Feminst Frequency Trope V. Women video came out!  It was more exciting than Christmas morning!  Which isn’t hard because I’m Jewish.

Enjoy.

Watching the video reminded me of something.  In the video she talks about how the “Straw Feminist” trope backs up the stereotype that feminists are evil ‘Feminazi’s’ who want to give rights to women by stripping them from men.  I consider myself a strong feminist but something I pride myself on is that when I talk to men about ‘the patriarchy’ they don’t want to hit me like the straw feminist character in Legally Blonde.

Last night I was at a bar (Yes, I’m 21 and can legally do that, yay!) when a friend brought some little matchbox-looking packets to our table and gave them to a couple I’m friends with.

Inside his had a folded up paper version of the ‘Peter Meter’.

The peter meter is presumably a ruler to measure where a guys junk falls on a scale of ‘should have been a girl’ to ‘WOW!’.  It’s also complete bulls**t.

I looked at it for a bit and then asked my friend if I could borrow it to write a blog post about it.  I was sitting with some guy friends and one who reads the blog looked noticeably pleased that I was going to write about this… thing which obviously made him really uncomfortable.  I was really glad to have an opportunity to show that feminists aren’t out to steal your rights, just to show the injustice done to everyone in a patriarchal society.

In our patriarchal society men are told that in order to prove that they are men and worthy of a womans love they must be the most manly.

In that way women are quite lucky because we are told to be womanly (weak, quiet, demure) but also that since being a man is a good thing, emulating a man is occasionally a good thing.  Like when Kim Kardashian wears nothing but a mens button down shirt, or some awesome cowboy boots.

However men are told that they need to be all man all the time which can lead to other problems.  And a man wouldn’t have a penis that could be considered small, ladylike, possibly clitoris-sized, how embarrassing that would be?  Can you smell my sarcasm?

In response to this we have men who, because they don’t reach a certain level on the Peter Meter feel like a disappointment

Meanwhile Dan Savage puts it perfectly below… er, I mean here.

Size doesn’t make you a good lover.  Being a good lover makes you a good lover.  He also points out how few women actually orgasm from vaginal intercourse.  Few do.  Something he doesn’t point out here but does on his podcast is that some women don’t want a man with a large penis.  Some women have small vaginas, or have had surgeries or medical conditions which make vaginal intercourse with a ‘hung’ guy very painful.

Just like the “Straw Feminist” promotes the misconception that all feminists are cruel, manipulative manhaters the “Peter Meter” promotes the misconception that all women like large penises and won’t respect a man with a small one.

Next time someone calls you a feminazi for being a feminist remind him that it’s because you’re a feminist that you can appreciate his micropenis for what it is.

You Go Glen Coco!

I’m a New Yorker (and damn proud) and recently I’ve been confronted with a lot of Anthony Weiner bull.  To say the least.  Wanna know how I feel about it?

For the easy version just listen to the first 11 minutes of this.  I’m going to try to say it in my own words but I guarantee they won’t be as succinct or biting as Savage’s.

Anthony Weiner isn’t guilty of being a sex offender.  He’s guilty of (as with so many people in his generation) underestimating the power of the internet.

He’s guilty of having consensual adult relations with other consenting adults.

And to be honest he’s guilty of being one of the most pro-women and women’s health members of congress.  The only problem Anthony Weiner has is that his opponents are dragging him through the mud for doing things that either they or their children have done or will do.

Since the advent of the polaroid camera home-made porn has sky rocketed.  Who knows how much was made before but I can tell you how much is made now.  A hell of a lot.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stumbling through my friends phones, computers, cameras, Ipods… and came across pictures of them or their significant others in a state of undress.  More than I’d like to say.  Not to mention the leaks of pictures of Blake Lively, Kim Kardashian, and even Liv Tyler just to name a few recent ones.

This is not sick behavior.  It’s human behavior.  It’s just futuristic enough for the aging press to be disgusted.  In 3o years congress will be comprised only of people who have posted pictures of their junk on the web.  Either that or we’ll be ruled by the Amish.

What sounds better to you?  This guy who stands for women?  Who fights back for my rights?

Actively on the floor?

Or this guy?

I don’t think it’s a hard choice and I don’t think Weiner should resign.  I think I need him on my side.  And I intend to keep saying it.

Now I Need A Place To Hide Away

Today I found something that inspired me to write for the first time in a while.

Here goes:

 

Sometimes there are people in your life who stop being positive forces and start being negative forces.  There is someone in my life who once brought me a lot of joy and who I considered a very close friend.  This person made me feel special and smart and like I was a really important friend.  And recently I’ve found that all those good feelings are gone.

And so I’ve decided to give myself permission to put some distance between us.  It doesn’t make me a selfish person or a bad friend.  It’s just necessary because what we have right now isn’t functioning.  It’s broken.

Dan Savage says that when you end a relationship you need to “cut it off and cauterize” before you can be friends with your ex.  This goes hand in hand with the ‘you break up because it’s broken’ theory which I thoroughly believe.

This person (or gangrene hand) is causing you problems, messing up the rest of your life.  If you keep it you’ll die.  But if you really want to have a relationship with it you need to cut it off, go to therapy for a while, and then once you’ve come to terms with your armlessness steal it back from the biohazard lab and put it in a jar on your fireplace.

Isn’t that what you read in your Anatomy Coloring Book?

It Gets Better

Hello world!  Yesterday I took a day off from posting because I did two the day before and I must admit to feeling a little guilty.

Last night I was catching up on my favorite weekly advice columns and came across something really great in Dan Savage’s Column that I wanted to share with you.

So basically A trans-lady wrote in.  She was asked out by a guy at a sandwich shop and didn’t know whether or not to trust the guy doing the asking.  Was Mr. Sandwich a creep who wanted to take out some trans-hate on our dear reader or did he have honorable romantic intentions?  Our new trans friend here was lacking a little confidence.  And, as usual, Dan said something universally insightful.

My inbox sags under the weight of e-mails from straight/straight-identified guys who are desperate to meet transwomen/trans- somethings, and not all of them prefer passables. So it’s possible that this guy saw trans- something, unpassable you and decided to go for it because you’re everything he’s ever wanted.

Followed shortly by

if he begins to treat you like you’re stuck with him because no one else will ever want you (not true—remember my inbox!), dump the motherfucker. It’s better to be alone than to be with an asshole who preys on your insecurities to keep you coming back for more abuse.

Next time you’re feeling down just remember that someone out there is writing to an advice columnist, moaning on about how they can’t find that wonderful person that is you.

And I’m so excited to stick around and hear about them.