Queer Kid Booklet

So I’ve been planning since summer to come out to my parents over thanksgiving break (it gives them a month-long grace period, and then home for the holidays). I figure that I won’t be able to explain it all too well, so I made em a booklet.

I shared this with a few friends before break, and they requested I upload it, so here it is! I’m gonna go a little crazy in the tags too, in the hopes that someone who really needs it might see it. peace.  [x]

I found this a while ago and think it’s the most wonderful thing ever.

One other thing I would add for parents of queer kids is something that I hear often from Dan Savage and at which is that just because your kid is queer and you want to be supportive doesn’t mean that you let them run around doing whatever they want.  You treat them like any other kid hitting puberty, applying reasonable curfews and house rules.  Your kid is the person he/she is.  Isn’t that cool?

Abuse, Consent, Rape, Sexism, Sexuality

Now Addicted To Emily

In writing Tuesday’s post I read a lot more articles written by Emily and I’ve fallen just a little bit in love.  Also, I’m pretty sure she also lives in Brooklyn and I should invite her out for tea or something.

Instead of writing an interesting (read: good) post about each of these I’m going to comment briefly about a bunch of her posts and trust you people to be good readers and follow the appropriate links.


Oh, Emily.  I’m so sorry.  And I’m so upset because though all my firsts are comparatively consensual I think most girls have similar first experiences.  Similar in that most of those experiences are accompanied by thoughts like “What am I supposed to be doing now?  I’d do it if you just show me what it’s supposed to be like,” instead of (god forbid) actual desire.

Before I even really get the hang of what I’m doing, he is cumming in my mouth. I feel impressed with myself, powerful. I didn’t even know what to do! …

“You really do like sex!” he says after they have dispersed, and I think Do I?  I’m still not sure.

It’s hard to separate genuine desire from the desire to please in little girls socialized to find value in objectification, hard to unlearn games you’ve been playing since before you could emotionally comprehend them. My willingness to be sexual, my ability to perform my job well, these are what made me feel valuable. Moving forward, these attributes will become a two-pronged suit of armor. As long as I am sexually available, I am indispensable. I am safe.

Do I like sex even? Do I like to be heaped with abuse, or do I like the panting fervor it inspires in the men who prey on such vulnerability? Do I still just relish the look of enamored surprise on their faces when they ask me, “So I could just do this…?” Do I think that I am securing my position this way? Do I even have any idea what I like, when and how I like it, and if not, how do I go about finding out?


Thank you Emily.  Fantasies can be fucked up without meaning that we ourselves are fucked up.  And they can be as visceral and humiliating and awful as your erotic imagination wants them to be.  It means nothing bad about you and I envy your bravery in telling a truth few people would be bold enough to tell.  Also, FANTASIZING ABOUT SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN.


I’m so sorry for everything sucky in the world but I’m glad that you have developed a motto that helps you cope with upsetting situations.  Also, hearing about your fear at night makes me feel less alone in mine.

Oh, Emily.  Thank you.

Intimacy, Sexuality

I Already Know What’s In My Head

I had a date the other day that went really well but didn’t make me excited to have another.  And this image to me embodies what was missing.

It’s not that I wish we kissed.  I was sick.  I was tired.  I’m sure I would have been distracted.  I’m glad we didn’t kiss.

What was missing was the back and forth.  The playful trade in power.  I tend to be bossy.  If you don’t take the reins in a conversation then I will.  But you better take them back.  Because I already know all the things in my head.  I want to know some of the things in yours.

And while I like people who want to do what I want to do just because I want to do it, you better have things you want to do too.  Otherwise you’ll bore me.  And nothing is worse than bored.

Sanity, Sexuality

The Power Of Labels

Today I watched this video

I knew Deen was coming out with a line of toys (and I have at least one friend who is excited to get one) [UPDATE: review] but when I watched the video I was reminded of something.

In the interview you see lots of posters of him in the store where the signing is being held.  And as the camera flicked past these images I kept thinking how happy he looks in all the posters.  He looks like he has nothing to hide.  Like he’s saying “Hey there world!  I’m me!  Just like this!  Warts and all!  And if you don’t like it, then you can suck it!” and the world was like, “Um, ok, then I guess you’re cool.”

It reminded me of the first time I thought about the word Gay.  I listened to a lot of show tunes and watched a lot of old movies when I was a kid so I remember knowing the definition of gay as happy long before I learned that it also meant homosexual.

And I remember that my first thought was how obvious the word was.  How obviously gay people would describe themselves as happy.  Why wouldn’t they?  They’re people who show their truest selves to the world and are happily in love.  Gay people must have the highest levels of gaiety because they are doing exactly what Deen is doing in those pictures.  They’ve come the cleanest.

The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it — basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.

– Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness [x]

I hope one day I can find out what I need to admit to the world in order to be that happy.

Related to this, I started thinking about a concept from Doctor Who.  On the show the main character is called “The Doctor” and at a certain point he turns kind of… evil-ish and he’s told that on other planets, in other languages “Doctor” is a bad word.  It means warrior or murderer or whatever other scary thing he doesn’t want to be.

Sometimes words have meaning before they’re applied to you.  Sometimes you give words meaning when you associate with them.

The word feminist doesn’t mean “A hairy lesbian who wants to cut your balls off” it is a word which happens to encompass parts of me.  I define it with what I do and believe.  It doesn’t define me by your preconceived notions.

Bodies, Sexuality

Smelling Male. All Men Do.

I’m currently reading Portia de Rossi’s Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain and she said something fantastic in it.  In the book de Rossi explores her experience in the closet.  She talks about a guy who she cared about:

I often joke that my mom wishes my brother and I were gay and when ladies make advances towards me often I wish I were attracted to them.  Attraction isn’t something you can really control though.

I’m not interested in a lady.  She just smells female.  All women do.

You can tell me that women are sexy all you want, but men being sexy?  That I can feel.

Regardless of whether you want me to or not.

Man Meat, Media, Sexuality

Fantasy Research

I’ve been reading a fantastic book called Yes Means Yes this week and one of the things this book talks a lot about is how girls aren’t raised to honor their sexual desires.

So, straight women, I give you (drum roll please)

Fantasy Research.

(A term coined by my super smart lady friend.  And, totally unrelated, if you’re having any questions about health care reform she has a simple guide)

A few lovely websites to peruse on your own time:

Hunk Du Jour

Mostly models.  You know what I always say, “A hunk a day keeps… what was I saying?”

You Are An Object

Great images, mostly of sexy men of all kinds.  I love that whoever runs the site obviously is a writer and uses the images as inspiration for short stories.  Yay for the internet facilitating multiple forms of art at once!

Boy Gaga

Great for when I’m feeling vengeful at the patriarchy.  I feel like this site objectifies men in ways that the media usually reserves for women.  It simply fills me with delight.

Hang The DJ

Sweet.  Lots of cuddles.  Mostly gay couples but what’s better than looking at one hot guy?  Yep.

And for those of you who dream of hair the way I do.

Fuck Yeah Indie Boys

I just want to run my hands… yeah.

Remember kids:

No shame.  No sex negativity.

I just want to point out that I know that this is a very by-straight-girl-for-straight-girl post and I try not to do that too much.  I know (or hope at least) that this blog has a much more diverse audience than that.  I just wanted to present things that I like and encourage all of you to find whatever that is for you.

Now go find the stuff you like!

Also, actual Pr0n.

Consent, Intimacy, Sex, Sexuality

Sexuality Worksheets

When I started reading I found Cliff’s ‘Kink Worksheet‘ and instantly fell in love.

I love that it requires you to put into words A) What you want to do, B) What you don’t want to do, and C) Why you want it.  I love that it thoroughly covers likes, dislikes, safe words and even health concerns and protection.

In the post where Cliff introduces this sheet it’s very clear that the sheet is meant to be a conversation starter.  I like to imagine couples printing it out and cuddling up on the couch with some tea and a few colors of crayon maybe making some markings on the back.  As the conversation goes on maybe they write down a few things they discussed and want to do but not quite yet.  Or maybe some things they want to remember to discuss next time they decide to play.  And you can make a version of this that could be considered vanilla, asking questions about positions and body parts.  Exercise those creative muscles people!  Perhaps you could add a question about your partners feelings about period sex.

So last night I found something similar on LaciGreen’s (please be my friend!!) tumblr

Or Maybe you’d prefer

Google around.  Get some ideas.  Creativity…  You  might learn something new about yourself. 

Gender, Sexuality

Cinderella Sexualized My Daughter

I just finished a fantastic book called Cinderella Ate My Daughter which I recommend to anyone who doesn’t have a young daughter.

The book was written by Peggy Orenstein who was raising a young daughter while writing the book.  It seems that one of the biggest lessons she learned while writing it was that there isn’t really a perfect way to raise your girls.  You can’t deprive them of Sleeping Beauty.  She’ll just watch the movie at someone else’s house and then accuse you of trying to make her into a little boy.

As a non-parent the best advice I can give to parents is this to keep in mind:

‘This is not the worst thing you’ll ever do to your kid.”

Let’s say that your kid falls off a swing at the park and you’re freaking out because you’re that bad parent who let their kid fall of the swingset. Tomorrow your kid won’t even remember going on that swingset and in 15 years that kid is going to be resenting you for something that certainly isn’t ‘Mommy didn’t care enough when I got a booboo.’

So while this world is going to thoroughly mess with your children, relax.  At least it won’t be your fault.

I’d much rather blame Bratz.


Family Glossary

At fathers day dinner with my aunt, uncle, and (grown, married) cousins I brought up that I had a friend who considered himself pansexual.  Suddenly the table was in an uproar.

No one was upset that I had brought up sex at the dinner table.  Last year over Thanksgiving dinner we had a long discussion about how disappointing it is that I’ll probably never have as many sexual partners as my mother.

But everyone was in a tizzy because I couldn’t adequately explain the difference between pansexuality and bisexuality.

Thank you LaciGreen for the first decent explanation I’ve heard.

Give it a listen.  It could make your next family meal as interesting as mine always seem to be.

Another concept that stumped my family: Cisgender.


Queer, Sexuality

It Gets Better

I found this on Postsecret the other day.

I understand that Glee is a very flawed show.  I understand that the actors on the show are autotuned and processed and that it’s annoying.  I understand that sometimes they pick songs that suck.  I understand all these things because the autotuning annoys me and when they sing Run The World unironically I want to punch a hole in the screen.

But if Glee saves us from more of this:

Then I’ll take the Beyonce.