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Now That I’ve Spent Some Time Looking For NSA Sex I Can Tell You Some Things I Look For

17 Jul

Air conditioning. You’re all the heating I need. It’s summer in New York. Enough said.

Good judgement. Have condoms, carry them and insist on using them. Suggest meeting in public. Be the guy who proves he has nothing to hide by being willing to prove he has nothing to hide. Make me comfortable.

If I acknowledge that you will never be my primary partner, acknowledge it too. If I say I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you, then I mean it. This isn’t a romantic comedy. Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I mean them.

Be honest if you’re getting in over your head. Thought you could handle this but realized it isn’t for you? That is so completely okay. Thank you for being honest with me, it’s a quality I look for in my friends and everyone I allow into my life. I respect you so much more for it. Wanna meet my friend Amy? She’s really cute and just made of girlfriend material.

Ask lots of questions about what I want/like. Let’s be clear with each other. If we’re all in this to have a good time then let’s have the best time we can have. In fact I’d ideally like us to be as clear and specific with how we’re feeling as my friend is here describing his self-induced pain.

And I want you to be OK with me laughing at you like he is with me putting this up here to be laughed at by all our friends.

Know that my body is mine to do who and what I please. My body, my choice. You certainly have the right to know how much other company I keep but though you have the right to be kept in the loop and though your concerns will be considered I make all choices concerning my body.

Be a person who makes this world safe for women. Dan savage had a rant on episode 345 of his podcast (it’s the first 8 or so minutes of the podcast so go listen) where he talked about how the best way for men to get a hold of No Strings Attached sex is to combat rape culture. Also, I transcribed the following myself so do me a favor and read it.

“Men are scary, men are dangerous. And we live in a sexist misogynistic violent culture where women are abused with impunity… Most women are too smart to take those kinds of risks. Not that some dont want to… if you want there to be more women out there in the world who are up for a casual hookup or a one-night-stand, or a rando encounter, or a fantasy fulfillment session, you should work to combat rape culture. You should work to combat violence that targets women, you should work against prevailing attitudes of so many other straight guys in your orbit who say sexist shitty, rapey things about women.

Every time they do that it really negatively impacts your ability to get laid. It really does. If what you want is a rando, impulsive, YOLO encounter, rape culture, rapey attitudes, shitty things men do and say about women when women aren’t around, that blocks you. That cock-blocks you. If what you want is for straight women to be a little bit freer, a little bit more like gay men, you should combat rape culture.

Of course you should care about this shit whether or not your dick gets wet. I care about this shit and I’m not trying to get my dick into any ladies at all. Right? I care about there being less violence, less sexual violence, less rape, less unplanned pregnancies, less poor women denied access to abortion when they need abortions because I care about women. Even though I don’t want to get my dick wet in a woman.

If you love women, if you’re attracted to women you should really care about this shit. Regardless of whether it gets your dick wet in the end. But guys push back hard against rape culture, make the world safer for women. A world where women aren’t raped, aren’t a target for sexual violence, aren’t abused by their partners, aren’t slut-shamed when they do choose to be sexually active. You are likelier to get laid in that world. And your female friends, relatives, daughters, sisters, wives, less likely to be raped. There’s a lot in it for you pushing back against this shit.

And when I say you should combat rape culture I don’t mean you just stand there going “oh, yeah, rape is bad” whenever there’s a woman around or a woman in the room… you should be “rape is bad” to your male friends because again, when straight guys encourage this culture of regarding women as only objects- I’m pro-“people are objects” at times. I’m pro-objectification. We all want to be objects now and then but we are not all only objects, none of us is only an object. Even the people we objectify shouldn’t always only be objects to us. But if you dont speak up when women are objectified in violent and nasty and degrading and demeaning ways, that’s gonna interfere with your ability to get your dick wet. Wanna get your dick wet more often? Speak up for and defend women… Speak up for all women if you wanna get your dick wet. There’s something in it for you.

-Dan Savage [x]

A Time Of Hope And Baking

14 Mar

Sometimes I find things that give me hope. They aren’t particularly connected to the normal FemaleGazing material but they make me feel things, and in a way that is the entire point of FemaleGazing.

Usually I just hold on to them and try to share them with my friends but I’m going to share this one with you. Just because.

Andrew Solomon

Einstein and his therapist. “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” -Hemingway

And, completely unrelated, here is another story, a favorite for a friend and me. The second story is such a keeper. Are you a baker too?

Erin Barker

Acceptance Has No Exceptions

4 Mar

The other day I ran up a set of stairs and I almost died.

Well, that’s how I felt at least. No one ever told me I’d get so old so young.

That isn’t the point. When I got to the top of the stairs my date was waiting there for me, laughing and holding the door open as I tumbled into the train car. And for a moment I wanted to throw myself into his arms and thank my lucky stars that I didn’t break a hip or have a heart attack or something. And then, because my brain is a strange and non-romantic place, this popped into my head instead.

youareanobject:imalittleyellowfish:(via pieceofsoul, chelseymathews)A moment I would stare at without realizing I was staring and thinking things like ‘straight people just…do straight things…and everybody’s just okay with it’ and they would pretend not to notice me staring. Then I’d see something shiny and we’d both forget it ever happened.i’m okay with straight people as long as they act gay in publicRIGHT ONEDUMBJOKE?



A moment I would stare at without realizing I was staring and thinking things like ‘straight people just…do straight things…and everybody’s just okay with it’ and they would pretend not to notice me staring. Then I’d see something shiny and we’d both forget it ever happened.

i’m okay with straight people as long as they act gay in public

‘straight people just…do straight things…and everybody’s just okay with it’

I thought about how easy it would be to throw myself into his arms, how in a few weeks when he’s more entrenched in my life maybe I’ll really want to do that… often. How maybe I’ll want to do it so badly I’ll hardly be able to stop myself. How hard it must be to feel that way and always have to stop yourself.

And so instead of throwing myself into his arms I tried to steady my heartbeat and catch my breath and I got really sad.  I got really sad at the depravity of the world we live in. A world where every day people can have that overwhelming need to throw themselves at their loved ones and then recognize that same need in others and deny it to them. It seems I get really sad on the subway a lot lately.

Feminism Weakening Men

28 Nov

I found these at Sociological Images.

I don’t know what I can really say about them other than that women gaining the right to vote did not end up weakening men.

Oh the horror.

This trope is one we see trotted out again and again.

It is based on fear.


“True gender equality is actually perceived as inequality. A group that is made up of 50% women is perceived as being mostly women. A situation that is perfectly equal between men and women is perceived as being biased in favor of women.
And if you don’t believe me, you’ve never been a married woman who kept her family name. I have had students hold that up as proof of my “sexism.”
My own brother told me that he could never marry a woman who kept her name because “everyone would know who ruled that relationship.” Perfect equality – my husband keeps his name and I keep mine – is held as a statement of superiority on my part.”

– Lucy, When Worlds Collide: Fandom and Male Privilege.


Guest Post – Throw Up Your Arms Into The Sky

1 Sep

From a brilliant and understandably upset friend of mine.  Just a reminder that the topics we address here and in the real world have real consequences to real people and we have to remember to be considerate:

I have friends who I disagree with. About a lot of things, in fact. From Middle East policy to programming languages, taxes to burrito joints, there are people who I argue with, who I get in discussions with, and who I value.

Some days, I’ll fight and argue about this stuff. On some topics, I won’t. I’m not interested in your theories on gay rights, in your debate tactics and points and counterpoints, because this isn’t an intellectual exercise, “these are my relationships,” I would say, “this is the part where my boss doesn’t meet my partner.” That’s a line in the sand that I’ve been willing to draw.

But for the first time with one of these friends, for one of these arguments, I’m considering calling it a day. I’m reminded of Melissa McEwan’s “The Terrible Bargain We have Regretfully Struck” where she speaks the truth, in a way that I feel again and again every time I read it.

There are the occasions that men—intellectual men, clever men, engaged men—insist on playing devil’s advocate, desirous of a debate on some aspect of feminist theory or reproductive rights or some other subject generally filed under the heading: Women’s Issues. These intellectual, clever, engaged men want to endlessly probe my argument for weaknesses, want to wrestle over details, want to argue just for fun—and they wonder, these intellectual, clever, engaged men, why my voice keeps raising and why my face is flushed and why, after an hour of fighting my corner, hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. Why do you have to take this stuff so personally? ask the intellectual, clever, and engaged men, who have never considered that the content of the abstract exercise that’s so much fun for them is the stuff of my life.

I’ve honestly never thought about what the type of argument that would end a friendship would be. If you asked high school me, I would imagine that she would think it would be some great falling out, with explosions and screaming matches and deep vows of never speaking to each other again. Now, it feels more like a deep pit in my stomach, an overwhelming desire to cry, and to ask myself where everything went so wrong.  It’s the desire to disengage, to ignore, to pull away, because this once-solid relationship where I found comfort is now a source of pain. I liked you, I would say, if I could bring myself to speak about this without feeling like I fulfilled some stereotype of typical feminine irrationality.

“I liked you. We were friends. How could you be like that? How could you look at the same set of facts as I did and come to a conclusion that hurting people, real people, is less important than your right to argue? Does it cause you so much frustration to examine your own privilege, to note that the experiences you have had are different from other people’s, that you would rather create things out of thin air?”


“When you tell me that what we’re talking about isn’t real, that it doesn’t matter, that my lived experience is an insufficient counter for your browbeating arguments, do you expect me to eventually agree? Do you think the strength of your rhetoric will somehow cause me to realize that everything I have seen, that all the expertise I have is less important than your guesses? Does our friendship mean so little to you that it is more important to be right than to listen? Do I mean so little to you that it is more important be right than not to hurt me?”

I guess, when that’s what you want to say to someone, they probably aren’t your friend anymore anyway.

Good Luck Getting Laid

14 Jun

How to properly Lysistrata That Shit.

For additional Serious Funnies.

Smoke On Your Pipe And Put That In!

6 Jun

My mom asked me today if I was going to write about marriage equality and I told her that I had nothing new to say about it.

Contrary to myth, Christianity’s concept of marriage has not been set in stone since the days of Christ, but has constantly evolved as a concept and ritual. Prof. John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department, discovered that in addition to heterosexual marriage ceremonies in ancient Christian church liturgical documents, there were also ceremonies called the “Office of Same-Sex Union” (10th and 11th century), and the “Order for Uniting Two Men” (11th and 12th century).

These church rites had all the symbols of a heterosexual marriage: the whole community gathered in a church, a blessing of the couple before the altar was conducted with their right hands joined, holy vows were exchanged, a priest officiated in the taking of the Eucharist and a wedding feast for the guests was celebrated afterwards. These elements all appear in contemporary illustrations of the holy union of the Byzantine Warrior-Emperor, Basil the First (867-886 CE) and his companion John.

Suck on that, Bristol Palin. (via sherlockable)

Marriage has been a moving target for it’s entire existence.  It has been evolving to suit the needs of citizens (read…men) forever.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species.  Homophobia is found in only one.  Which sounds unnatural now?

Additionally the entire birth of marriage was basically about selling daughters off like chattel.  I’m all for moving into a new era where marriage isn’t “defined as one man and one woman”.  I think we can come up with a better definition than that.