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Non-Verbal Communication

17 Jan

I feel like I live in this cartoon every damn day.

I spend so much of my time talking and thinking about communication with other people, usually male people.

I’m no expert of course. I think of myself as a life-long learner in the art of human communication.

But there are people who have never been pupils of it and that is a sobering realization for me every single time.

Grateful To Be Part Of The Team

27 Nov

Every thanksgiving I scroll through my feeds alternately yawning and misting as only a true New Yorker could. You’re so grateful for the friends that got you through this year. You’re wishing for world peace. You’re so thrilled to be with your biological family or grateful to have found your logical ones. 

And I’m happy for you but it can start to feel a bit cliche.

This year, for the first time in a while I have something new to be thankful for. Something that is truly, surprising. Instead of becoming grateful for something that I’ve had for a while I’m became, on this day, something new to be grateful for. 

I’m a valued, adult, decision-making member of my family. 

Duh, right? No. 

I’m no longer a kid who doesn’t need to know about the hardships and abuse that are the backdrop behind confusing actions. 

I’m now a person who’s opinion is requested and respected. Who can hold court, translate English to English, and mediate large scale arguments. 

It sounds small but it feels huge to me. 

To have a family that values the ideas of all its members and works together as a team would have been enough to be grateful for. And to be invited to sit at the grown-ups table and help perpetuate that inclusiveness, well it’s an even better present than the great socks I got.

Hey, Call Your Friend Please!

28 Oct

Hi there, it’s FG here and someone you know has asked me to nudge you to call them.

They really want to hear from you but for whatever reason don’t feel comfortable reaching out to you again/at all. Maybe this person has been socialized to fear being labeled as “clingy” (ahem, female) or maybe they’re just tired of always making the first move. This person is, in fact, the person who sent you this link.

Did you go on a date recently and texted a bunch the next day but haven’t been heard from since?

Did a friend reach out to make plans and you shot back with a helpful “I’m busy this Saturday but I really want to see you.” failing to provide an alternate space/time suggestion?

So stop reading this right now and call the person who sent you this link. Seriously. Call, text, carrier pigeon, owl post, whatever.

I (and the person who sent you this sweet, heartfelt message of longing) feel that I (we) am (are) tired of waiting for you to call. And also tired of being the one who has to do all the reaching out. So we’re calling your bluff. Dial.

When I try three weeks in a row to get brunch with you and you always say “I can’t today but I really miss your face! Kisses!” it feels like you don’t actually want to drink mimosas with me.

When I invite you over four nights in a week and you blow me off because there’s a new episode of Game of Thrones and you really need to watch it with your neighbor, I hear that you don’t want to have a sleep over with me.

So be the person I want you to be and call me.

Love, your friend who sent you this message.

(Inspired by this)

PS, If you fail to respond to this desperate measure then I will assume that indeed, you don’t want to see me. And I will quit exerting a substantial amount of emotional energy trying to schedule you into my life.

Timer

10 Aug

Don’t laugh at me.

A number of years ago a woman who I would call trust worthy told me that I wouldn’t find a relationship with any kind of permanency until at least 28. My mom jumped in, “It’s not that you won’t fall in love before then.”

Great.

I’m ashamed of how seriously I took this premonition and yet I still don’t think she’s even the least bit wrong.

Some people grow alongside their partners for years, melting into each other like precious metals mingling, strong for sure and beautiful but impossible to tell exactly where one ends and the other begins.

Other people meet someone permanent later and have to learn to shave off the burs, rub them against each other slowly and surely over decades. Learning to fit together-ish.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m in the latter camp.

The question is what does that do to your choices between 25 and 28? I fell in love, age 25 and as promised it was not long lasting. It was reciprocated which was nice but long lasting it certainly was not. So, choose your own adventure style, what do I do armed with this knowledge?

Now that I’m old enough to know that you choose to fall in love or let relationships fall away, do I let them go for the next 3 years or do I try to fall in love as many times as possible?

Or do I avoid that question like the bubonic?

Suggestions welcome.

FemaleGazing’s Bona Fide Get-Over-Him Routine, Step… Much Later

5 Aug

 

Spoiler alert, breaking up gets easier to do.

I was out with a guy last night and he asked me if I had ever been in love before. The answer that popped into my head was one I didn’t expect.

Yes, and it was recent and it hurt and I’m still learning from it, but I don’t think that’s very interesting anymore. I’m doing a lot of cooking these days, I never thought that would be something I’d be very interested in.

No one who knows me would have been able to guess that I’d find cooking more interesting than relationships but alas, that is where I am right now.

Why should I be sad? I have lost someone who didn’t love me. But they lost someone who loved them.

-a positive way to look at a shitty situation (via upabovetheworld)

The Yankee And His Ilk

6 Apr

I spent an evening with the Yankee this week. What a wonderful time I had. He is one of the most loving, considerate, wonderful people I will ever know. I would be wise to love him for the rest of my days and never let him go. But alas…

When I made the decision to stop seeing him I wasn’t exactly sure why I was doing it. I knew in my bones that it was right but couldn’t name the feeling.

This month I fell in love with someone, probably for my first time ever (it was great and horrible, thanks for asking) and spending the evening with the Yankee in the midst of that was… made it crystal clear.

He rubbed my shoulder and it felt like an eraser on my skin. He touched my hair and I felt like a dog being poked. He whispered in my ear and I smelled his breath.

My body wasn’t tuned to love him. It’s like he was a song in A and my body was tuned to B flat. The intention was there but everything was coming out wrong.

I loved him for it of course but it would always be a little mistranslated.

So, I propose a toast.

Here’s to the lovers who are perfect on paper but who your body rejects, on it’s own accord. To listening to your body when it knows that. To doing right by and respecting it. To looking for something better when you’re sure nothing better exists.

Trust that it does.

There’s someone who plays in your key.

Fear Is The Difference Between Poly And Scaredy Cat

27 Mar

Polyamory.

Fun times.

Some people function best living a polyamorous life.

However, some people use it as a crutch.

Someone recently told me that he chose to lose someone he loved rather than give her the closed relationship she wanted. When I asked him why he did it he said he was scared.

What are you scared of?

I don’t know.

He never could answer the question.

After talking with each of them here is what I think he is scared of:

You are so afraid of not being sufficiently loved that you’re spreading the responsibility of loving you among multiple people in the hopes that losing just one won’t hurt too badly. You’re so afraid of someone taking your entire heart when they leave that you’re willing to inflict that pain on everyone you date by hurting them before they hurt you. You will push these partners away one by one, and this coping mechanism of yours will turn the fear into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’ve solved the mystery.