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Menstrual Cups and Self-Ed

11 Apr

I would really like for my menstrual cup to be good at catching blood.

It was sold to me as “12 hours, no leaks!” but my experience so far has been a non-stop stain-a-thon. Every once in a while I emerge from the bathroom “This time it’s going to be different. This time I finally figured it out!” but it never seems to stick.

People keep asking me why I’m still trying to make it work after 5 years of constant failure.

Answer number one is simple and true “I really would like my period to be a carbon neutral event. I don’t like constantly buying and throwing away tampons. I need a better solution.”

But the deeper answer is something I didn’t expect.

This month in trying to get the damn thing to work I discovered that my cervix is more conical than the donut shape I always imagined it as.

And you know how in books they say your cervix will “feel like the tip of your nose” [x]

It totally does! It feels exactly like the tip of your nose!

How cool is that?!

So, my menstrual cup might suck at being a menstrual cup, but it’s pretty great at making me think about bodies in a new way. And so for that I’ll be grateful. And that’s even better.

Laughter Is The Best Anything

12 Oct

One of the most amazing blessings* in my life is what I do for work. Not because I’m wildly successful at it or respected for it or even particularly good at it. Because it allows me to do the thing I like best. See people and what they’ll do. What a writer thinks they’ll do when in a specific and unlikely situation. What they’ll do when the director has been gone for a few months and they think they can get away with some edits. What they’ll do when faced with something horrible. What they’ll do when they think something is funny. What they’ll do when they are amused that someone else finds something funny. People reacting to each other is my favorite form of entertainment, bar none.

A few months ago I worked with a lovely man who posed to me a question: How badly do you want to go to the moon?

Do I have to pay a lot of money to do it?

How long will I be there for?

What can I bring?

Can I talk to my family on the phone? Am I in an airplane seat for more than 20 hours straight?

Apparently a series of questions was the wrong answer.

Your answer should be “Yes, I’d do anything!”

Eh, Honestly I’d rather travel the globe. And when we asked the rest of our co-workers, most of the men wanted to go to the moon and look down on humanity from there. And most of the women wanted to travel the world for a few months to a year.

I don’t have any insight as to why this was split along gender lines.** I just know I want to see all the people. I want to see them with each other. Up close and personal.

There’s something so beautiful about watching a crowd react, at once, and separately. To a shared stimulus and to each other. Have you ever watched a crowd watching a funny scene? It’s amazing.

A joke is made and while all people can laugh maybe only a few are open enough to vocalize their glee at that

moment, usually snort-laughers. But then there are the few that are just a half a beat behind, the ones that are instantly given permission to laugh because of the first wave. The next wave will be the people who are laughing at the original laughers. And then there’s the third wave of people who are laughing because they’re noticing this trend. Or noticing the performers reaction to being laughed at. And pretty soon it’s a microcosm, an ecosystem, a living breathing thing all on it’s own; like the economy or riding a bicycle, all it needs to not fall is to keep going.

Everyone has a moment when they permit themselves to laugh and everyone has a distinct laugh. Everyone has a soul that’s unique and everyone has an expression that’s unique.

And you can tell in a crowd if it’s full of people who will allow themselves to be cheered or if it’s full of people who will insist on lowering the room. There are so many things you can tell about people by putting them in a room together and giving them a reason to laugh.

There’s no better, no more spontaneous performance in the world. No better way to see group individuality.


*Note to self, find agnostic word for ‘blessing’.

**I’ll happily entertain theories in comments!

The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn

8 May

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

How hard can that be?

How much effort does one person need to put into learning how to be loved.

When someone was in love with me my breath was taken away every time he said it. Was that me not knowing how to be loved or just enjoying the feeling? Getting acclimated?

The media makes a big deal out of learning how to be loved. Do I not think it’s a big deal because it isn’t really a big deal, or because I just haven’t had to learn it yet?

Polling the audience here. Did you have to learn? Was it as difficult as Grey’s Anatomy would have you think?



What Is That Called?

23 Jan

Last night I had an interesting experience. A great experience. I had a great time and my partner in crime had a great time too. He thanked me afterwards.

I went home with an acquaintance. We had sort of met before, but talked for real for the first time last night. He had an easy face to talk to and I guess he felt the same way about me. We were out with a group and ended up being the last two left, with still so much to talk about I went back to his house for some 3am tea. We talked about family and his new anti-anxiety-medicated life, work, all sorts of things.

He told me how beautifully I ran my hands over the textured surfaces in his house. The ridges on my teacup, the grain of the wood table, the cracks in the granite countertop. Every once in a while I’d mindlessly touch something and he’d stop talking, just stare at my hands and tell me how distracting it was.

I felt so serene and I suddenly wanted to gift him that serenity. So I turned off the light, sat on the table, put my feet on his chair “I’m going to take off your shirt so I can touch your back.”

And then I held him, ran my hands up and down his back, across his shoulder blades and through his hair for close to an hour. Breathed into his neck and felt his whole body relax under my touch.

And then we moved to the bed and continued doing that, clothed, no kissing, no touching bathing suit parts, nothing untoward. Just enjoying the delight of caressing and being caressed. Hugging and being hugged. Enveloping and being enveloped.

It was so wonderful.

Is there a good name for that?

And why don’t people do it more often?


How To Love The Signs

14 Jan

Capricorn: Be trustworthy, consistent, and never flakey. Don’t let them get away with not talking about how they feel, prompt them to express their emotions more often. Be their biggest supporter when it comes to their goals and always make sure they make time for fun and its not all work. Let them have their private time every so often, and help them to de-stress and relax. [x]

There is one person in this world who does all these things.

When I read this list that face popped into my head so fast it almost brought tears to my eyes.

It explains why I care so deeply, they know how to care for me.

There are a lot of love languages and if you’re someone who doesn’t take flowers and chocolate to mean I Love You then sometimes its hard to feel like you’re hearing it enough. It’s surprisingly unsettling when suddenly it feels like someone does know how to communicate with you. Especially when it’s instant, feeling like you’re being heard really is the best thing there is.

Quixoticly Grateful

24 Nov

Lately I’ve been trying to say out loud when I’m grateful for someone or something. It’s a project that always felt worth while and now that I’m in a situation where I’m constantly surrounded by the same people, working and living together, relying on them for support, it feels like the perfect time to try it out for real.

I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I say “Hey, I’m grateful for you today” and get a really strange look. But I’m choosing to believe that the strange factor will wear off soon.

Just because saying “I’m grateful for you today” isn’t a thing everyone does, doesn’t mean that its a thing I should stop doing. That’s what I remind myself.

quixotic [kwik-sot-ik]

(adjective) In our list of most interesting words, quixotic is the most romantic in every sense. To be quixotic means to be excessively romantic and chivalrous; illogical, idealistic, overall dreamy. It is viewed as an over-idealism filled with absurdity.  (via wordsnquotes) [x]

More Appreciation

5 Nov

A few weeks ago I wrote about this guy in my life. Because I was thinking of him that day, just cause, just to be appreciative for the good things in my life.

And after the post came out I started wondering if it made sense to other people. I have a lot of guys in my life who aren’t exactly relationships but who are really important to me for one reason, one experience, one night, one statement or another.

Today I thought I’d pay homage to another and the lesson he taught me.

A few years ago, when I first got the OKCupid app I was heading to a birthday party and perusing the app to kill time. I spied the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and sent him a message immediately. Turns out he was from California and had just one more night in New York.

I invited him to meet me at the bar the party was at and once he got there and I had put in some face time with the birthday person I focused my attention on him.

He was just as cute and smart and charming as he seemed online. He had represented himself perfectly, he was just as tall and skinny and knobby-kneed as in his pictures. He was just as self-deprecating and witty as his profile. I was so hooked.

We took off to find a place to go make out for a while. The finding a place was shenanigans in and of itself but all the intimacy was lovely.

The next day he flew back to California and we rarely talk now but he pops up on my facebook feed every once in a while to remind me what a cute face he has.

Why do I cherish this memory? What did I learn that night that brings me such joy?

I learned that I can be attracted to someone and make all the first moves and have them all be seriously appreciated and reciprocated, that contrary to what some of my friends say there are guys who appreciate that. It’s okay that I’m the brave one and also happen to be the one with the vagina.

Also, my attraction to someone physically and intellectually doesn’t need to be ignored because of something so petty as time or space.

For one night I adored him and he adored me. Just because we didn’t date for a while and then burst into flames does’t mean it wasn’t important.

Length of a relationship doesn’t always correlate to quality.

No wonder I think of him so fondly.