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My Friend Harvey

23 Oct

Lets talk about my friend Harvey.

Harvey is in his early 30s. He’s working, seemingly never on anything in particular. It’s not like he has the power to hire and fire. He owns nothing and owes no one.

But one day he might. He wants to be someone in our industry one day.

And you and your friends have seen the way he touches women in bars. The way he hugs women at work. And no one knows quite what to say. They always seem to be making eye contact with you when he does, their eyes asking if this is ok.

So what do you say to him now, when it isn’t exactly a problem… yet. How and who do you approach or warn? You don’t like his behavior but do you take it upon yourself to point it out to him? And how do you sell it to him?

“I don’t want you to get into trouble when someone misunderstands you.”

“Why are you being that way with her?”

“Did you notice how she was pulling away from you?”

What can you do and when?

Please Do A Little Of The Work

8 Aug

I know I seem like I don’t want to hang out with you. But its because I feel like you always want me to do all the emotional labor for our time together.

You want me to find a time that works with both of our schedules.

You want me to pick where we go.

You need me to remind you that morning.

And give you directions because you didn’t think to look up the address in advance.

And I hate this because on the one hand those are sort of my favorite things. I love playing tetris with schedules and suggesting we go to this cool thing I heard about. It feels like a love language that I can serenade you with.

And when I feel like you’re abusing that, then this isn’t a friendship anymore. When I feel like you can’t speak back to me in it, cant appreciate my labor or cant be bothered to do the same for me in return, then it hurts so deeply.

So I dare you to do it. I tell you

“I would love to hang out with you.

I place on your shoulders the task of finding a where and when.”

And you fail. And it breaks my heart-You must not love me at all.

 

I Play A Game

3 Aug

Can I tell you a secret? There’s a little game I’ve been playing with myself.

I give myself points every time I do a good thing, a mitzvah, a thing I’m proud of.

And those points are redeemable in acts of self-love.

I treated myself to a healthy homemade lunch and also a fancy dinner with lots of sauces.

I ate 3 mini brownies on Thursday.

I told a guy I liked that I liked him.

I painted my nails.

I took myself to yoga.

When I do things I respect I think I’m worthy of love. And then I give that love to myself.

When other people do things I respect I think they’re worthy of my love. And similarly deliver. Easy simple rules.

Female Friends and Funny

30 Mar

I love “Inside Amy Schumer

One of the things I love about it is that I don’t find all of it funny.

There’s the political stuff that I love. There’s some really funny rape critical stuff, stuff about body shame, stuff about life as a woman.

But then there’s puke stuff. Because some women find puke jokes fucking hilarious. And Amy Schumer is one of those women. I suppose there’s a chance that that material is “whats gonna bring in male viewers” but that’s a lot of pressure to put on one sketch per episode.

Similarly, I love watching Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart riff off each other because they are damn funny women. And because when they aren’t hindered by a studio, or a man breathing down their necks they spend their time trying to make the funniest person they know (each other) laugh harder than they just did.

And that passes the Bechdel test with ease.

Take Care Of Each Other

16 Feb

Feminist Vs. Egalitarian

1 Sep

 

I love following the Planned Parenthood tumblr. My family and friends fun of me for enjoying the minutiae of language and terms. For explaining the difference between bi and pan at dinner. For all sorts of made up terms and differences.    

The reason I love words is that they can help you understand an entire group of people, they can help you see the entire world more clearly. Who wouldn’t want that?   

So here is a definition of how to respect and empower other people veiled in a description of third wave feminism.

Women Helping Women

8 Aug

Last night I got on the subway and there was a woman sitting down and taking up two seats. She had her shopping bags on the seat next to her so I said “excuse me” and she took the bags down. I looked across the way and there was a couple there grinning, like they had been annoyed she hadn’t taken her bags down ages ago. I sat and was happy.

A few stops later I looked up because there was another young woman leaning over us who nearly fell. She had been looking at the paper that my seat mate was writing on.

This stranger was trying to help the woman next to me work out her math homework.

I offered her my seat and when I looked back at them a few stops later this manicured blonde was giving this woman private math tutoring.

It was such a beautiful sight, this young beautiful woman explain the finer points of fractions to this older stranger.

In a world full of bad, there is still good. Come to New York and see.