Happy Fashion Week To Both Of Us

How is it so different and so the same? A few years gone by since last we touched, last I decided to trust you. The answer is obvious. Me. I’m different. Transformed, transfigured.

You much the same. Trading on mystery. Charm. I feel more heard in your arms than I have. But I always remembered that about you, sought it in others, came up disappointed. The only way to have a partner. A leo happy to fall in line and follow me. Ears always perked for the hair on my back to indicate danger.

The quickest way to earn my trust; pause, check in, kick my ass. Your hands, your accent, your hair. I’m a honey lazy river for your growl.

You think about me.

I know because you tell me.

Call it stroking my ego.

But you’re actually dancing with me in cloud space. Foreplay 3,000 miles away.

Each of us painting on different sides of the same vellum. Two artists sharing the same work, folding down the page to cover what has been drawn before,

At the bottom of my lines you should draw feet.

Who is to call it dangerous if it’s supportive and oh so healing. Grounding and revelatory. Intimacy rediscovered, reimagined.

Here To Hear Me

Forever ago I saw a thing that rings through my head only all the time.

Strong people don’t have needs.

And other lies that can kill you.

I think about this all the time. Really any time I have a need this pops into my head. Usually after a complete shit-storm of self judgement.

Why do you have so many needs? Why can’t you be easy?

No one is going to love you if you’re this high maintenance.

It reverberates through every request I make of a coworker, lover, or friend.

Why do you think having needs is such a bad thing?

Needs are bad! They are like sugar building cavities every minute. They spoil you!

Stop being a martyr. You’re a human. Humans need things.

I want to be better!

Than what? The best you is still human. And the humans you love the most are the ones who allow you to support them when they’re in need.

Pulling the requests from my mouth hurts more than pulling teeth. But unlike dental work more practice improves the experience. Which is good. The more I call out what I want the more it comes to me. So I better get some practice at asking for what I want.

Surround yourself with people who are here to hear your requests. And let go of the ones who try to convince you that your needs are a burden. They are not here to see you grow and fly.

Here to hear you is a good place to start.

Be My New Friend

I keep going to these things; holiday parties, housewarmings, yoga, birthdays.

I meet these wonderful women; supportive, kind, beautiful, open hearted. And I spend the rest of the evening gushing with these women about men and work and family, falling out of shoes, our feelings about eyeliner and our butts. And we exchange texts later about how much we want to be real life friends when this night is over.

It’s wonderful and always serves as a reminder that there is a big world of kindness out there.

Friendship doesn’t have to be built on hating the same things. It can be built on just simple listening. Time spent noticing the kindness in someone’s face when they’re really listening to you. And endeavoring to give them the same gift in return.

It feels really good.

I want more of this.

I want more relationships that are just about supporting and being supported. It feels so nice.

Demon Day

I’m a pretty independent lady. That’s the way I like it.

But sometimes

And I end up crying and walking 50 blocks at 11 o’clock at night because my future feels like 1,000 days that will feel just like this one. Endless and lonely and full of the word ‘no’.

No, you can’t eat that.

No, you can’t feel that.

No, you can’t lift that.

No, you can’t leave that.

No, you can’t tell anyone.

No, you can’t stop.

You’ve chosen this bed, now lie down and go to sleep.

And say thanks to god before you do.

Today the demons ate me and spat out a pile of bones to carry home. It wasn’t very helpful. And it seems there wasn’t anything any friend or I could do about it. Maybe I would have had more luck if I had asked more people.

But the embarrassment. The shame. The discomfort at needing instead of being needed.

Which means I’m the common denominator.

So how was I complicit in not getting the help I wanted?  And why does this keep happening? How do I do better?

My Friend Harvey

Lets talk about my friend Harvey.

Harvey is in his early 30s. He’s working, seemingly never on anything in particular. It’s not like he has the power to hire and fire. He owns nothing and owes no one.

But one day he might. He wants to be someone in our industry one day.

And you and your friends have seen the way he touches women in bars. The way he hugs women at work. And no one knows quite what to say. They always seem to be making eye contact with you when he does, their eyes asking if this is ok.

So what do you say to him now, when it isn’t exactly a problem… yet. How and who do you approach or warn? You don’t like his behavior but do you take it upon yourself to point it out to him? And how do you sell it to him?

“I don’t want you to get into trouble when someone misunderstands you.”

“Why are you being that way with her?”

“Did you notice how she was pulling away from you?”

What can you do and when?

Please Do A Little Of The Work

I know I seem like I don’t want to hang out with you. But its because I feel like you always want me to do all the emotional labor for our time together.

You want me to find a time that works with both of our schedules.

You want me to pick where we go.

You need me to remind you that morning.

And give you directions because you didn’t think to look up the address in advance.

And I hate this because on the one hand those are sort of my favorite things. I love playing tetris with schedules and suggesting we go to this cool thing I heard about. It feels like a love language that I can serenade you with.

And when I feel like you’re abusing that, then this isn’t a friendship anymore. When I feel like you can’t speak back to me in it, cant appreciate my labor or cant be bothered to do the same for me in return, then it hurts so deeply.

So I dare you to do it. I tell you

“I would love to hang out with you.

I place on your shoulders the task of finding a where and when.”

And you fail. And it breaks my heart-You must not love me at all.

 

I Play A Game

Can I tell you a secret? There’s a little game I’ve been playing with myself.

I give myself points every time I do a good thing, a mitzvah, a thing I’m proud of.

And those points are redeemable in acts of self-love.

I treated myself to a healthy homemade lunch and also a fancy dinner with lots of sauces.

I ate 3 mini brownies on Thursday.

I told a guy I liked that I liked him.

I painted my nails.

I took myself to yoga.

When I do things I respect I think I’m worthy of love. And then I give that love to myself.

When other people do things I respect I think they’re worthy of my love. And similarly deliver. Easy simple rules.

Female Friends and Funny

I love “Inside Amy Schumer”

One of the things I love about it is that I don’t find all of it funny.

There’s the political stuff that I love. There’s some really funny rape critical stuff, stuff about body shame, stuff about life as a woman.

But then there’s puke stuff. Because some women find puke jokes fucking hilarious. And Amy Schumer is one of those women. I suppose there’s a chance that that material is “whats gonna bring in male viewers” but that’s a lot of pressure to put on one sketch per episode.

Similarly, I love watching Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart riff off each other because they are damn funny women. And because when they aren’t hindered by a studio, or a man breathing down their necks they spend their time trying to make the funniest person they know (each other) laugh harder than they just did.

And that passes the Bechdel test with ease.

Take Care Of Each Other

Feminist Vs. Egalitarian

 

I love following the Planned Parenthood tumblr. My family and friends fun of me for enjoying the minutiae of language and terms. For explaining the difference between bi and pan at dinner. For all sorts of made up terms and differences.    

The reason I love words is that they can help you understand an entire group of people, they can help you see the entire world more clearly. Who wouldn’t want that?   

So here is a definition of how to respect and empower other people veiled in a description of third wave feminism.