Feelings, Hope

Things To Look Forward To

I like to read and all, but I have a friend who Loves Books.

Capital L, capital B. Loves. Books.

He’s a writer.

He said that it makes him happy knowing that there are too many books in the world for him to ever read them all. That he’ll get to the end of his life and there will still be books left that he hasn’t read.

I do not agree. I feel like this fact means that when I read a book and don’t like it I’ve made a mistake. For every book I read and dislike I’m missing out on the opportunity to have read 3 books that I loved and couldn’t put down.

But there’s something comforting to me in the idea that there are umpteen feelings in this world that I haven’t felt yet. That though it may take time, though the variety of the feelings until then may be muted, one day I will experience a feeling that is unlike any I’ve had. New.

Something vibrant and alive.

 

That’ll be so exciting.

Bodies, Feelings, Self-Care

You’re Good Enough Just As You Are

I went to a yoga class yesterday. And the teacher kept telling us: You are enough. You are good at yoga. You are good enough.

Every single time she said it tears came to my eyes.

I felt completely ridiculous.

And yet it felt so good.

The other wonderful thing she said was that you’re allowed to be uneven. You’re allowed to feel strong in some places and unsure in others. You’re allowed to push yourself one day and treat yourself the next. Notice how the same pose can feel different on your two sides.

We will never be the same again.

But here’s a little secret for you: no one is ever the same thing again after anything. You are never the same twice, and much of your unhappiness comes from trying to pretend that you are. Accept that you are different each day, and do so joyfully, recognizing it for the gift it is. Work within the desires and goals of the person you are currently, until you aren’t that person anymore, and everything changes once again.

Welcome to Night Vale, Episode 75 – “Through the Narrow Place” [x]

Dating, Feelings

Mourn What Was, Not What Might Have Been

You can’t mourn the relationship you could have had. You can only mourn the relationship you did have.

You can say “he’s a great listener” all you want while you’re together. After all, he does give great advice. And he can memorize numbers for work.

But when it’s over then it’s time to look at the whole collection, together.

Is he a good listener? Maybe.

Did he listen to you? Maybe not.

It’s ok to hold both truths at the same time.

But holding on to what could have been won’t help anyone. And you have to be on team you.

this love went bad long ago.
it’s like the half-full expired container of milk in the fridge-
i know i should throw it out, but can’t stand
to see so much of a once good thing
go to waste.

Lora Mathis [x]

Feelings

I Don’t Want To Be Around This Face Either

A few weeks ago I was working a new job. Everyone around me was really experienced and whether or not it was actually true I was really self conscious that they were judging me, hating me. They were used to working with people who were veterans at this and I was slowing things down.

I don’t like doing things that I don’t feel I can conquer immediately.

But too bad for me.

The guy who was in charge of training me was so accommodating. Sitting right next to me and answering my every question no matter how inane.

I’ll never forget the day I turned to him with tears in my eyes. Facing away from the rest of the group so only he could see. His face melted. “Ok, I know that my face is doing this thing right now but it’s just my face. Ignore it and tell me that this is actually going just fine and I need to relax and just do the job. I know that the fact that I’m crying is written on my face but just ignore it and it’ll go away. It isn’t real.”

And when he ignored the thing my face was doing, it went away. And my gratitude at having him in that situation was immense. For all the things I appreciate about him, that moment was one of my favorites.

Plus, it helped me feel better.

Feelings

Don’t Forget To Notice, But Also Please Don’t Notice

There are two feelings that I don’t even know how to describe. They’re the equal and opposite and they both make me cry.

There’s nothing worse than looking into your friends eye in excruciating pain and having them look right through it, unseeing.

“look
i get that you’re tired
and that this sometimes happens
what, like 3, 4 times a week?
and i know that you are thinking
i’ll be fine in the morning like, i won’t DIE fine
but the thing is
there is a part of me
that falls deeper into itself
each time my crying lulls
someone i am sharing a bed with to sleep.

sure
i’ll wake up the next morning alive
but is it really a good thing
to get better at crying
softly?

i’m not saying you’re obliged to do anything
not even whisper “i’m here for you”
or “are you ok?”
or “i’m sorry but i’m very tired”
or “goodnight”
i know you’re tired (of me)

but hey
if you hear me beating myself up next to you
and choose to ignore me and go to sleep
well, can you really be surprised
when you are awake and ready to listen
and my first instinct is to
hide?”

if you want to know why i’m always quiet when breaking down, lora mathis (18/30)[x]

And yet what always freaks me out more is when they look at you and immediately know,

“What’s wrong?”

Fastest way to bring tears to my eyes.

Feelings

It’s A Sad Song But We Sing It Anyway

I used to think of myself as a pretty tough nut to crack, tear wise at least.

I took pride in not being the girl who cried at movies or weddings or funerals. A good stoic New Yorker.

And then when that started to fall away I took it as a sign of PMS. I have lots of friends who have a major crying jag, a consistent 48 hour count down to blood.

But now I’m coming around to my new reality. I could be convinced to cry at just about anything. A commercial, a dress, a song, a mountain, an impending confrontation.

I’m not gonna say that it’s better or worse, but it is a lot easier than I thought it would be.

The difference was realizing that it doesn’t have to derail my day. If you learn to not mind crying then you can do it and just… finish. And then feel better.

And it’s kinda like finally vomiting when you’ve been feeling nauseous all day. A relief.

I was thinking sad thoughts the other day and I played a song I love, a song that described the relationship for me. A sad song.

My friend said “You should be nicer to yourself.” but the truth is that I spend so much time coping with sadness using distraction that focusing on it, being sad about it feels like a luxury sometimes.

Crying keeps the sadness at bay.

Feelings

I’m Gonna Trust You

I feel like all I’ve cared about lately are lessons I’ve learned at work.

Today my boss and I said one out loud.

He hired me to do a thing I had never done. I did it, I pushed through the fear. I did a good enough job to get re-hired but I’m still not the most confident person in the world. I still have fear and nerves.

“I respect your reluctance but I wasn’t wrong. You would be good at this. I wasn’t wrong in thinking you’d be good at this.”

“Yeah, I need to get better at trusting that the people I work with have a greater context for my skills than I do. That if someone I’ve been working with thinks I’m ready for something, then I am.”

I don’t know if this is a me thing or a woman thing or a generational thing but it’s a problem I have a lot.

My co-workers are also my teachers. I know logically that they’re invested in my success, that at the very least it would look bad for them if I slowed down OUR team. That they just wouldn’t bother to hire me again if they didn’t think I was worth it.

I need to trust, not just that I’m not bad, but also that I’m improving.

I can see my skills but I can’t see the context outside of myself. If you were spending 10 hours a day with someone who was tall enough to see over the wall you were standing in front of together, and you asked them “What am I going to need on the other side of this wall? Is it muddy? Snowy?” You’d trust their response. You’d trust their assessment of the context of your journey which you can’t currently see.

I’m gonna practice.

Feelings, Sisterhood

Is It Really All That Scary? Maybe You’re Doing It Wrong.

Today at work a lovely woman I sometimes see was talking about her upcoming wedding plans. One of the guys remarked that when he was studying psychology in school he was advised, “before you marry, spend time with your fiance’s parents. The way you react to her mom, take note of that.”

“Oh, no!” my engaged friend remarked. “That can’t be. He’s nothing like his dad. His dad makes me nuts. And I’m nothing like my mom.”

People my age brag about this all the time. I’m nothing like my mother. Meanwhile I’m hearing my mothers voice flying out of my mouth every minute of every day. I look down at my hand grabbing something and see hers at the end of my arm.

A few years ago I asked a friend

How many times a day do you think I’m becoming my mother to yourself? 

About once a week.

ONLY ONCE A WEEK?!

I’m heartened by the fact that people tell me I sound more like my grandmother (who died before I could talk) than my mother. Which means that I’m the embodiment of best qualities of the two.

It doesn’t scare me, turning into my mother.

Or shall I say, the new and improved version of my maternal lineage.

Now stop bragging mom. I know you’re reading this.

Feelings

I’m Just Fine

I said to a friend last night that I don’t think I’m depressed but I haven’t been feeling as high a high or as low a low as I usually do lately.

I’m more meh more of the time. I’m making decisions, I’m moving through the world. I feel ups and I feel downs but I don’t feel wildly amazing or horrible.

It’s just harder to smize.

It’s not a huge deal. I’m ok and all.

But it feels like a major mellowing out. Like I was living the most extreme versions of my feelings for a while and now I’m just settling into whatever-land.

What am I working on? Stuff. Who am I seeing? People. What am I doing? Things.

I’m just living and not really thinking about it.

So why do I feel guilty about it?

Feelings

Be Jealous

Check out this amazing body language!

I don’t really care who these humans are. I hope they’re healthy and happy and all but other than that, whatevs.

But I can’t imagine a better ‘running into your ex’ outfit or scenario.

I’m amazing and wonderful and you are a ridiculously dressed child and still focused on me.

The highest level of Go Suck It.

Don’t go backwards, only go forward.