Air conditioning. You’re all the heating I need. It’s summer in New York. Enough said.
Good judgement. Have condoms, carry them and insist on using them. Suggest meeting in public. Be the guy who proves he has nothing to hide by being willing to prove he has nothing to hide. Make me comfortable.
If I acknowledge that you will never be my primary partner, acknowledge it too. If I say I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you, then I mean it. This isn’t a romantic comedy. Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I mean them.
Be honest if you’re getting in over your head. Thought you could handle this but realized it isn’t for you? That is so completely okay. Thank you for being honest with me, it’s a quality I look for in my friends and everyone I allow into my life. I respect you so much more for it. Wanna meet my friend Amy? She’s really cute and just made of girlfriend material.
Ask lots of questions about what I want/like. Let’s be clear with each other. If we’re all in this to have a good time then let’s have the best time we can have. In fact I’d ideally like us to be as clear and specific with how we’re feeling as my friend is here describing his self-induced pain.
And I want you to be OK with me laughing at you like he is with me putting this up here to be laughed at by all our friends.
Know that my body is mine to do who and what I please. My body, my choice. You certainly have the right to know how much other company I keep but though you have the right to be kept in the loop and though your concerns will be considered I make all choices concerning my body.
Be a person who makes this world safe for women. Dan savage had a rant on episode 345 of his podcast (it’s the first 8 or so minutes of the podcast so go listen) where he talked about how the best way for men to get a hold of No Strings Attached sex is to combat rape culture. Also, I transcribed the following myself so do me a favor and read it.
“Men are scary, men are dangerous. And we live in a sexist misogynistic violent culture where women are abused with impunity… Most women are too smart to take those kinds of risks. Not that some dont want to… if you want there to be more women out there in the world who are up for a casual hookup or a one-night-stand, or a rando encounter, or a fantasy fulfillment session, you should work to combat rape culture. You should work to combat violence that targets women, you should work against prevailing attitudes of so many other straight guys in your orbit who say sexist shitty, rapey things about women.
Every time they do that it really negatively impacts your ability to get laid. It really does. If what you want is a rando, impulsive, YOLO encounter, rape culture, rapey attitudes, shitty things men do and say about women when women aren’t around, that blocks you. That cock-blocks you. If what you want is for straight women to be a little bit freer, a little bit more like gay men, you should combat rape culture.
Of course you should care about this shit whether or not your dick gets wet. I care about this shit and I’m not trying to get my dick into any ladies at all. Right? I care about there being less violence, less sexual violence, less rape, less unplanned pregnancies, less poor women denied access to abortion when they need abortions because I care about women. Even though I don’t want to get my dick wet in a woman.
If you love women, if you’re attracted to women you should really care about this shit. Regardless of whether it gets your dick wet in the end. But guys push back hard against rape culture, make the world safer for women. A world where women aren’t raped, aren’t a target for sexual violence, aren’t abused by their partners, aren’t slut-shamed when they do choose to be sexually active. You are likelier to get laid in that world. And your female friends, relatives, daughters, sisters, wives, less likely to be raped. There’s a lot in it for you pushing back against this shit.
And when I say you should combat rape culture I don’t mean you just stand there going “oh, yeah, rape is bad” whenever there’s a woman around or a woman in the room… you should be “rape is bad” to your male friends because again, when straight guys encourage this culture of regarding women as only objects- I’m pro-“people are objects” at times. I’m pro-objectification. We all want to be objects now and then but we are not all only objects, none of us is only an object. Even the people we objectify shouldn’t always only be objects to us. But if you dont speak up when women are objectified in violent and nasty and degrading and demeaning ways, that’s gonna interfere with your ability to get your dick wet. Wanna get your dick wet more often? Speak up for and defend women… Speak up for all women if you wanna get your dick wet. There’s something in it for you.
-Dan Savage [x]