Who Pays For This

20 Sep

I go on a lot of first dates and there are a few things that come up a lot.

Yes, I’m a feminist blogger who has also won a jello wrestling tournament.

Yes, I frequently let guys pay for things and open doors for me.

The truth is that there’s a whole equation that runs in my head when I’m figuring out what to do with the bill.

Do I like you?

Do you like me?

Do you seem to really want to pay for it?

Do I want you to get what you want?

Do you clearly link paying the tab with your masculinity and will it please me to deny you that?

Have you been a waste of my time?

Do you make more money than me?

Did you offer?

Will you be smug? I hate smug.

One Response to “Who Pays For This”

  1. Roger DeAngelis November 27, 2016 at 6:18 pm #

    Can I ask what you feel your ideal way for this to go would be? I’m a guy, I was raised “ladies first…” in opening doors for them and such. It never meant anything about any kind of dominance or anything like that as far as I knew, I always just took it as ‘men love women, this is a way to show that love and respect.’

    So like paying the bill. This one stumps me a little bit because it’s not just showing your admiration or respect, it’s more like a rule or condition or expectation. Maybe the door opening thing is too but for some reason that never struck me the same way.

    I don’t mind paying the bill on a first date. If you CAN treat someone to something, actually that’s pretty nice. A privilege. But I’ve run into the problem of not knowing how to navigate it after that. I don’t like feeling like I OWE it. That takes all the joy out of it. How can you treat someone to something genuinely if it’s owed?

    So just asking, have you come up with any particular ideal for this situation that feels good to you? I think my own answer to this is only that every person is different. Get to know the person and work things out with them how is good for that particular relationship. I guess there are no real rules.

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