How Do You Stay You

18 Mar

I haven’t been writing much lately.

To be fair, I haven’t been talking much lately.

And I’ve been trying to feel (and think about feels) less lately too.

So… SorryNotSorry.

No sorry.

No sorry’s. No apology at all.

I apologize to myself. I apologize to me for the lies I’ve been telling me. I’ve put myself in a new position lately where I keep being shamed into silence on way or another.

Sometimes I get asked what tool I’m going to use to accomplish a task and when I answer the question I’m met with an incredulous and judgement-filled exclamation and expression “That way?! That’ll take a million years!” Well thanks for shouting about my idiocy in the middle of the office.

I come into the room in a good mood with a smile on my face and when I’m asked what’s up and then start responding about 5 words in I’m waved off.

It’s exhausting.

And even more exhausting, I’m noticing it seep into the rest of my life.

My best friend is telling me that I’ve been doing less talking and more listening with her (she complained about it. Can you even imagine?)

So what do I do about this?

When you feel like you’re being shut down, how do you climb your way back out?

One Response to “How Do You Stay You”

  1. Misunderstood Animal April 17, 2016 at 9:56 pm #

    The other day (it wasn’t the other day but for the sake of being colloquial I’ll pretend it was) friends of mine were sharing stories about things they’ve put up with as being junior employees at a corporation. Most of it involved being called pretty when all they wanted was to be called smart or talented. Like many people I had a similar story to tell although a follow up question was asked of me. Intentionally innocent but it was enough to invalidate my participation as being not equal or lesser to everyone else’s. It was probably my fault for continuing but I pressed giving another more personal example only to more loudly be told it was equally invalid.

    I’ve been lucky most of my life to have a tough enough skin not to let it bother me but this did and coming on a really rough couple of months I can know how sucky it feels to be made to feel little.

    The thing is, and it may be meaningless coming from an Internet stranger, that the weight of this slight is made entirely by us. His comment that made me feel so little was ultimately innocent in his head. He has no idea the significance it had for me. The person who mad you feel like an idiot might’ve had pure intentions of genuinely helping. It’s the misunderstanding where this feeling came from.

    Misunderstanding is possibly an excuse I’ve become comfortable using but that’s how I’ve tried to frame how bad I felt for probably too long.

    I’m sorry for my rambling I just stumbled into hear and this post struck a cord. I hope all is well and have fun traveling.

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