Which hurts. No matter how much it hurts though, one has to side with anyone who is brave enough to come forward about being a victim.
Whether it’s Ke$ha (even people who choose weird stage names deserve to have their bodies respected) who is facing a potentially career-ending decision and is being incredibly brave anyway.
Or Cosby’s victims who have had their reputations dragged through the mud by people who conflate the character the man plays with the actor himself.
Or friends who have their own reasons to fear retribution, slander and other untold consequences.
But sometimes it’s difficult.
Because we think we know something about the accused. Because the allegations go against our preconceived notions of what that person is like. A friend, a star we’ve seen interviewed, someone we thought spoke our language. And how disappointing is it to be wrong, to be challenged in our belief in goodness?
And yet “James Deen held me down and f—ed me while I said no, stop, used my safeword. I can’t just nod and smile when people bring him up anymore.”
I used the safeword we agreed on and he ignored it. What more should ever need to be said?
I’ve broken up with people for more innocuous forms of treachery.
But it does break my heart. To see someone I trusted fall from grace.
I don’t believe that the pedestal was too tall. It shouldn’t be too much to ask for, a kinky, beautiful Jew who cares about pleasure and respects you at the same time.
I guess we’ll all just have to keep searching for him, and hope that some good and healing can come from this. Perhaps it’ll be the rest of the world learning how to take sexual abuse allegations seriously and swiftly.
My heart bleeds for the people who have been assaulted, whether that be by someone who violated a scenario based on trust, or violated a scenario based on trust, or violated a scenario based on trust.
But we need to remember,
I can regret holding Deen up as a paragon of what a sex partner should be, but I won’t regret my hope that he could have been.