We re-open our doors for toxic people and call it seeking closure.
When I was in high school I hurt a friend of mine. Well, I thought we were friends, I doubt she thought so as much as I did and she certainly doesn’t at all anymore. Our paths brush past each other occasionally and we don’t talk, anyone in the room with us would assume that we are strangers. She gives me a wide berth and I do the same.
But it does twist a small knife in my gut knowing that there’s someone out there holding this grudge against me.
A few years ago I lost another friend. He I felt much closer to and that friend-breakup hurt a lot more even though he was letting me go from states away whereas she and I were forced to walk the same high school halls for months in silence.
That kind of rejection killed me. It still makes me feel awful when I think about the fact that there’s someone out there who feels so strongly about me that he was willing to break my heart just to be free of my friendship.
During my last breakup I was asked “Can’t we be friends?” and I immediately responded with my honest opinion, “Why should I bother? You’re not worth being friends with. You aren’t smart enough or talented enough or interesting enough for me to cart your dead weight around as a friend. Plus I’m in love with you and I’m not going to do that to myself.”
Vicious is the word you’re thinking of.
I said it to be hurtful but also because it felt true. The pain of being his friend would doubtless be greater than any small pleasure I might get from listening to his music or jokes. But 5 months later, though I don’t think I was wrong to say those things, I feel the guilt that he could be walking through the world feeling the weight of being hated, the same weight I feel knowing that my ex-friend wishes me harm.
I wrote him a postcard saying that I’m sorry I said those things out of anger, I still don’t want to be friends but I also don’t want him to beat himself up over it (if that conversation even mattered to him as much as it mattered to me).
So, do I put it in the mail or not?