OkCupid asks: How often do you brush your teeth? And I want there to be an “Almost twice a day” option. Because I almost do. Except when I forget once. Or twice.
I have a teeth cleaning coming up. She’s going to know all my secrets. I think I should take a few Ibuprofen before I get there.
Get out of bed. It’s 11 o’clock at night and if you don’t just do it soon then you’ll fall asleep before you get out of bed and then you’re gonna be really upset with yourself tomorrow morning.
No, you can’t have chocolate. If you have chocolate now then you’re going to have to get out of bed twice before you’re allowed to go to sleep and that’s all just too far away.
Do I even have toothpaste?
I forgot how much I hate mint. Why can’t toothpaste taste like chocolate? Then I’d brush my teeth a hundred times a day. My dentist would love me.
I think I just heard my roommate go to the bathroom. I should definitely not get up to brush my teeth now.
What if the bathroom tiles are cold?!
And now you absolutely can’t go brush your teeth because you just got an idea for something to write about. What if you went to brush your teeth and lost your train of thought and then never recovered that valuable material? The horror!
Jeez, there are some people who do this, happily, three times a day. People with really clean teeth. And probably really unhappy gums.
If you’re reading this then you’re not alone, you’re just probably a little gross; and should go brush your teeth. Unless you already did, in which case I’m jealous, because now I have to get up and brush mine.