New Years

9 Jan

Last year on new years eve I started off my 2014 with a kiss. A kiss from someone who I like as a friend but never want to be physically intimate with. He asked if he could kiss me and I said “Only if I can’t find anyone else in the next 5 minutes” and he was thrilled. At 30 seconds to midnight he asked again and I said “Fine.” He kissed me and I allowed his lips to kiss my closed ones for a few seconds before I pulled away.

Just a side note: this is not a gross guy. This guy is very cute, young, pretty, I just couldn’t be attracted to him even when I tried.

After this kiss he put his arm around me like he had succeeded in his goals and was looking forward to taking me home. At some point when I had had enough I turned around, took his hand and said, “I’m really sorry I have to say it this way but you need to know that I’m not interested in you this way. You’re great, really, but I’m just not and I don’t want to lead you on.”

He backed away, very clearly not wanting this exchange to go on any longer than absolutely necessary, mumbled some awkward “It’s ok, sorry, thanks, no problem,” stuff and I left the party to finish my night elsewhere.

And thus started a year of other men treating me in a similar way, coercing me into doing things I didn’t exactly want to be doing. This year marked the first few times a guy has ever taken a Meh of mine to mean Yes.

So this year on new years eve, when another friend approached me and asked if he might be my midnight kiss (a friend who I love, am attracted to, and have kissed in the past) I said no thanks. I’d rather ring in this new year not kissing anyone I’m not in love with. Just wishing a really happy year to the entire universe from the bottom of my heart.

And we’ll see what kind of year that energy brings me.

2015 will be a selfish year. My time and focus will be invested on me. On improving myself. I want to become a better person physically and mentally. I want to let go of my fears and learn to love myself.

(via yayhaz) [x]

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