This is an appreciation post for the men I will never get to try loving.
I recently got drinks with a friend. I don’t see him all that much. In fact up until last night I called him a ‘friend’ the way you call Karen-who-sits-near-the-copier a ‘friend’ when you overhear someone at the bar talking about how great she is.
A friend if he can get me tickets to what he’s working on. A friend if he notices me at this party and says hi first. A friend if I need to make a joke about the place where we met. But certainly not a friend I call when I’m feeling down or need to know what kind of plates are microwave safe, or want to go see Boyhood but not by myself.
A friend I have always found obscenely attractive (and, yes, in the ‘my type’ way). In fact (this is embarrassing) I remember that when I was heading off to college I started facebooking the school and saw a picture of him and thought he was beautiful (and yes, he’s reading this right now and I’m dying but as they say).
But this week for the first time we got to hang out and talk one on one, for real. And it was great. It felt like my joy at getting to be fully Me mixed with his joy at getting to be fully Him and the two joys were dancing and giggling together in big feathered dresses like Ginger Rodgers. It was just the good, smart, flowing conversation I always knew would be produced if given the opportunity. Plus, he complimented the blog… so I was happy.
There was once a brief (but good) physical interlude in our friendship a few years ago and when he invited me out this time I was equally nervous and excited wondering whether he wanted to repeat or bury the past. But he casually made it clear that he was happily coupled and I realized that while I admired his hands and knees and adam’s apple, it was probably better that way.
We aren’t good primary partners for each other. I know I would have no staying power compared to the woman that loves him. No magnetism. Our admiration and affection for each other could turn easily into lust if we allowed it but doubtfully the stable kind of relationship he’s already in.
But I just want to point out all the ways I appreciate him and the role that he has in my life. Talking to him and feeling such kinship reminds me I’m not as difficult to ‘get’ as I feel in most company.
So I wish him well and I appreciate him because I want what he has, and maybe I want it the way he has it, and in another universe I might even want it with him. But in this universe I don’t, and that’s perfectly Okay. I appreciate the comfort that brings me.
Like Portia says, “I would’ve slept with him just to show him how much I adored him”, but instead I’ll just send him this appreciation. I wish every bit of happiness upon his brilliant balding head.