Consent, Dating

Getting Out From In Between

Friday’s post was about the word crazy.

Getting over the fear of being labeled crazy by a guy, because really it just means that you’re a person who stands up for herself, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

The post was inspired by this article which argues that there is a kind of sex that isn’t exactly consensual but also isn’t exactly rape. The word she is looking for is pressure. She felt pressured to have sex with him. Maybe not by him directly, but by society’s suggestion that if she stopped what was happening then she’d be a tease/disappointing/awkward/making a big deal out of nothing.

I’ve experienced this weird kind of pressurey sex before. I usually end up in it once I’ve fallen out of like with someone I’m dating. I’ll get physical with them again to try to convince myself that I’m still attracted to them. And then I’ll feel like I’m in too deep and I can’t go back even though I’m not really enjoying this and I should probably just end things (the sex and the relationship) right now. It’s always that moment when I realize they have no idea how not really here I am that I know I need out.

But when I’m in a similar situation involving alcohol I have another trick. I hesitate to write this even now, for fear that it will be misconstrued as judgement or blame on women who didn’t do what I did.

However, in case I have any young readers out there who have not experienced this and who are going to be around guys and alcohol, I want to tell you the one sentence that has worked for me a number of times. I want you to memorize it, tattoo it on the back of your eyelids. Because the kind of guy who will listen to this statement is the kind of guy who doesn’t want to have non-consensual sex with someone. And the kind of guy who will ignore this sentence… you should run.

If you are drinking with a guy and you end up in bed and things are moving a little faster than you’d like, then try this sentence out.

“You’re not useful to me when you’re this drunk. That’s what the morning is for.”

Fumbling with my boobs is easy but pleasing me? That takes effort, a clear head, and a complete lack of ‘whiskey dick.’

In the morning you can make clearer decisions. Maybe you’ll both wake up and realize that this is a bad idea. Maybe you’ll wake up, realize that he’s your cousin and run screaming. Maybe you’ll wake up and realize that he listened to you and change your mind. Either way, that statement has never been a bad decision for me and it has never gotten a bad reaction. Of course your mileage may vary, but considering how well it’s worked for me, I couldn’t keep it to myself.

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