My brother and I got dinner the other night. It was really nice, just the two of us. We had each gone on a really great first date that week and in a move that surprised me, he wanted my advice.
Would you break up with a guy if he couldn’t cook?
Would you be mad if he didn’t kiss you at the end of the end of the date?
I told my brother that if I like a guy then there are only a few things that are immediate grounds for disqualification.
Not listening. If I make it really clear that I want to be kissed and you intentionally ignore it, or are completely unable to read it then I don’t really want to date you. Those are skills that can be learned to a certain degree but probably not as much a I need them to be. It also shows that you don’t respect me. Related to that is:
Being Pro-life. If you don’t believe in my bodily autonomy and the bodily autonomy of others then I don’t want to date you. It shows an underlying lack of respect for people who aren’t you. Goodbye.
Not being willing to examine your own privilege. If you think sexism or racism is “over,” if you are offended by the idea of me wanting to hold the door open for you, if you call someone a racial slur, a slut, or make fun of someone for being fat, I’m out. Immediately.
Exhibiting abusive behaviors. If you think my friends suck, try to tell me what I can or can’t do, throw a tantrum, or make negative comments about my body, then I don’t need or want you in my life.
Aside from that the only reason for me to stop dating someone is: I stopped being attracted to you. I suddenly hated the taste of your spit, the smell of your breath and the length of your arms. I realized we don’t like the same jokes. I’m just not interested anymore.
But don’t be concerned that I’m gonna break up with you because you can’t cook. You don’t like to cook? Ok, bummer, I don’t either. Maybe we can learn together.
This is why the ship works. It’s one out of respect, and recognition of each other’s needs. Scully constantly fears that she isn’t wanted or needed, but Mulder considers it his duty to let her know her worth. And when he’s self-destructive, and self-loathing, she reminds him of his humanity and good qualities. It’s a relationship of mutual respect and caring for each other.
And you can see from the smile that even his little utterance showing that he needs her is appreciated. And it’s what keeps them together. [x]