This is sort of embarrassing. So there’s this sex thing that I’ve always been turned on by but also always been embarrassed of. And I’ve always found that the things people want you to do to them become obvious in the end as they try to get you to do it without having to say it. Like how a cat pets your palm with the back of her head.
One night I was being such cat and the Yankee kind of called me out on it. Or rather dared me to do it. And immediately I felt shame. The shame you feel the first time naming a turn on. Immediately followed by the shame of having been so obvious about it that he could guess it. But then the turning on kicked in and I was a goner.
And afterwards when we were drinking water and making the bed he said “hey, did you notice how wet you got when I said that word?” And I was incredibly mortified until he said how much he liked making me so happy and we giggled about it and went to sleep.
And that is why I can’t stop loving the Yankee even though I don’t want to be with him anymore.
When I first started seeing the Yankee I hesitated to use the word relationship but it was probably pretty soon after that night when I started admitting that it was indeed some variation on a normal relationship. He heard me, my words and my body, because he was listening. He noticed the small things that made me who I am and he respected and cared about and even tried to cater to them. I couldn’t ask for more care and consideration.
And so now I understand how someone can feel so bad, so wrong, so selfish, so unjustified in wanting to leave a partner. Even when they know it’s the right thing to do anyway.