Keeping My Emotions In Check

13 Sep

First I will say how happy I am to see another Vlogbrother video which features mostly just John Green in different locations talking to the camera and occasionally himself, other humans, and things. Those are my favorite kind.

Then I want to say that I am one of the people who is excited and nervous about the The Fault In Our Stars (go read it now) movie. And also express excitement that it’s being filmed in Pittsburgh which means it’s possible that some classmates of mine might be in it.

And now I will get to the reason for this post.

In the first 30 seconds of the video John says “I’ve been laughing and crying, I think they think I’m crazy because I can’t keep my emotions in check at all.” And that is how I feel all the time, especially this week.

Sunday was my dad’s unveiling and since then I have felt just about all the feelings all the time. And about those feelings I have other feelings. And so on and so forth. Add that to the bar fight (yes, you heard me right, I was part of a bar fight) and it just feels like all of me hurts every moment of the day.

I make plans with a friend only to then ditch them for being 8 minutes late so I can walk down to the river and cry on the phone to another friend.

I pick fights with the people who love me because they do the things we planned, just a little differently than we had planned.

I pick fights with anyone and I tear up at the drop of a hat. Literally. If you had a hat and it was beautiful and it fell to the floor I might cry.

I’ve gotten really good at “pretty crying.” The trick is to not notice that you’re crying, to be so OK with the fact that tears are rolling down your face that you stop trying to control it. That’s what takes the effort and makes you all red; restraint.

I had a cry at work today and said “I just feel so needy.” And my co-worker said “You’re not needy, you’re grieving.”

So I guess that’s the permission I’m gonna get.

Not like I was planning on getting any permission at all. But I’m feeling really needy. So I’ll take it where I can get it.

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