The last time I can remember feeling helplessly and hopelessly in love was in high school. Properly gooey, obsessive, Taylor Swift, we’re-gonna-get-married-one-day-when-he-realizes-he-loves-me-too love.
Spoiler alert: he never realized he loved me too. What he did realize is that I would happily do anything for him. I didn’t matter. All that mattered was his jokes, his stories, his life, whatever he would tell me I would collect and store up like a chipmunk stockpiling for a cold winter.
And I let him ignore me except for when he wanted something from me. And not just with him. Since he wouldn’t give me attention I got it from other people. And I let them spill their feelings all over me and then walk away. Steal kisses and then leave and never call. I didn’t even consider whether it was right or wrong.
“How far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
How often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
Why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
Where did it begin? what went wrong? And who made you feel so worthless?
If they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
All this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
And what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
How are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
Where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
Where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”
– Warsan Shire (via girlchoking) [x]
In the summer after my junior year of college I engaged in a little love affair with a really great guy. He made me feel valuable. I got mad one night and told him that he didn’t HAVE to watch me cry and cheer me up one night. I wasn’t even his girlfriend for gods sake. And he said “If I didn’t want to be here I wouldn’t be here.”
I was worth something to him. And I never forgot that. Ever since then I’ve been worth something to me. And I’ve insisted that I was worth something to everyone who has had the distinct pleasure of knowing me.
I’m amazing and I know it but I owe him a huge debt of gratitude for caring enough about me to teach me how to fall in love with myself.
“Wouldn’t it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. The deeper you love yourself, the more the universe will affirm your worth. Then you can enjoy a lifelong love affair that brings you the richest fulfillment from inside out.”
– Alan Cohen (via One Love) [x]