I Will Protect Your Name And Your Heart

17 May

FG favorite, Sociological Images, had an interesting post about a scene from Vampire Diaries and how we can use it as a launching point for discussions of consent.

They’re question was “does him asking ‘do you want to get out of here?’ and her affirmation count as consent?”

I’d say that her saying yes to that was her consent to get out of there with him.

Her grabbing his head and kissing him is her consent to kissing him.

Her helping to take off her dress is her consent to be dress-less.

Her throwing him on the bed and then crawling on top of him is her consent to be there with him. The rest we have to infer.

I don’t want to downplay the importance of verbal consent, but I would say that there are a lot of small consents happening throughout the scene.

That’s how I think of consent in my own sex life. And right now I want to talk about how I use consent in my sex life personally. Because one of the things that people first starting to explore sex are missing is exact how-to information on all the things we politely eupheme.

Three days into our honeymoon we found ourselves in Barnes and Noble trying to find a book to help us figure things out in the bedroom. We’d read a number of Christian books about sex prior to getting married, and they were very helpful in terms of the theological and relational aspect of sex, but not so helpful on the supremely practical “how to” aspect—and more specifically, how to do it well and mutually enjoy it. [x]

When I’m first seeing someone I test their respect for my boundaries a lot. I tell them I don’t like them paying for my food and then see if they respect it. I tell them things they should know and then ditch them if they don’t respond the way I want them to. End of story. It’s a zero tolerance policy.

I don’t stop until I’ve made it clear that my boundaries are solid, they are not going to be pushed, that I am a force to be reckoned with and that I will throw them across the room if they try to remove my shirt before I’m ready.

And then, when they’ve cleared all those hurdles, I let them know that they can push me and I’ll say stop if or when I have to.

This isn’t the right thing for everyone and it doesn’t happen immediately but it works for me. And it works because I know myself and the minute I’m uncomfortable I let the “St” sound out of my mouth and in the blink of an eye I am un-handed. And that is my favorite form of consent. That is what makes me feel safe and sexy and cared for.

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