I’m Someone To Be Loved And That I Learned From You

9 Apr

I mentioned recently that I had a rough winter. And part of what made it harder is how much I dislike leaning on people. Dislike feeling weak, helpless, dependent. How much I hate having to reach out, compounded by how much I hate myself for being so unwilling to do it always makes whatever the actual bad situation is even worse.

The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.
– Daniell Koepke

But what I learned and am slowly willing myself to put into practice is that not giving in to those feelings, not allowing yourself to need someone, not calling them when you really need to talk, will slowly but surely turn me into someone who I have no desire to be like, someone who made the choice not to need anyone a long time ago and who may never learn the consequence of those actions and will never understand why I don’t want to be like her.

And I’m trying to let go of it, that impulse to be perfect, look perfect, act perfectly independent, smart, aloof and beautiful. But it’s really hard.

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