I think I’ve never really expected guys to want to be around and talk with me. There are guys who want to be my friend and guys who want to be in my bed and I’m constantly surprised when anyone wants to do both. When I’m prepared to ask a guy to come over and he wants to take me out to dinner instead I get all like “Wha?”
It embarrasses me a lot to say that. And I’m not really sure where it came from.
The Yankee likes me a lot and he offers to hang out at the laundromat with me or bring me chocolate at work when I have cramps. I know he likes being in my bed, he’s very clear about that. But he’s also very clear about how happy it makes him to be around me, period. To sit next to me at a diner or wait for the subway together. Sometimes I expect to just go over to his house and he says ‘lets get dinner first’ and we spend a few hours away from any beds at all and he isn’t disappointed in the slightest.
This shouldn’t be a revelation but unfortunately it is. I can’t stress enough how embarrassed it makes me to admit this. That even with some pretty high self-esteem I am constantly shocked when a guy who is attracted to me includes my brains and stuff in that attraction. This is a problem.
A while ago a friend of mine told me about this guy she was sleeping with. He treated her like shit. He took advantage of her dependence on him financially, emotionally, vehicular-ly. He made her feel terrible about her body and was clear about how far she was from being ‘up to his standards’ to date, even though he or any other man would be lucky as all hell to just spend a day with her. And when she told me about him I was more than capable of knowing that this behavior was completely
When my other friends talk about guys who only want to have sleepovers, never dates I’m more than capable of knowing that this behavior in unacceptable.
So why am I so blind to it in my own life? What happened to make me feel so unworthy of being treated like an equal partner, a fellow human being even as I know it logically and preach it evangelically?
I’ll search for those answers, and in the meantime I’ll let this guy spoil me rotten. He’ll like it after all. And just as importantly, so will I.