How To Court Me On Okcupid

27 Jan

Inspired by Jodi Foster, I have a closet I want to come out of.

I have an account on OKCupid.

Here are some tips I can give to any guy (and probably girls too) who think maybe they’d like to have a nice substantial relationship with someone like me (I’ll refrain from using the word ‘normal’ here but you know what I mean.  Not addicted to drugs, not just looking for a pair of genitals).

1) Don’t mention the hotness of your body in your username.  First of all you will probably disappoint.  Second of all you’re clearly overcompensating for something.  Third, how superficial do I look?  Fourth, you can’t even spell the word ‘hot’ correctly, I dare you to have an interesting conversation about the state of the American theater with me.

2) Don’t be a ‘Nice Guy.’  Oh, gag me.  Yes, I’d rather an interesting and decent person than someone whose only claim to fame is that they weren’t intentionally jackasses to women at every opportunity presented.  I work in theater.  I refrain from saying cruel things to people all day every day.  It isn’t that hard and doesn’t win you much support.

Also, you clearly… are wrong about everything in this world including the definition of ‘nice’.  Even Picard facepalms at you.

3) Don’t neg me, bro.

For this section I’d like to give you a little tour of my inbox.

Oct 23: I hate your face…

Yeah, this is the only one I could find in my inbox because I usually just immediately get irate and delete negging.  There are plenty to be found though.

The fact that you were able to type out over 100 characters on your short time away from the kitchen is either impressive on your part, or shameful on the man who owns you. [x]

I can’t.  I just…  I can’t even.

4) Don’t tell me how much you’d like to get in my pants, poorly, and with no punctuation.

(All from different people unless otherwise stated)

On Jan 7 : Interested

On Jan 5: if u would allow me

Jan 1: damn!

Dec 31: amazing

Dec 31, 8:25pm: we should fuck

Followed 10 minutes later by: Would you like to fuck

Dec 31, 2pm: I usually would never say such a thing, but I got a massive hard on reading your profile. Sorry. Just thought you wouldn’t mind knowing.

Yeah, I mind.  I freaking mind.  What in this world makes you think I wouldn’t freaking mind? Was it the big feminist blog I write plastered all over the page?

5) Don’t be a huge creep.


Why am I still on OKCupid again?

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