I Am The Master Of My Fate And The Captain Of My Soul

3 Oct

Once upon a time I loved someone who didn’t love me back.

I loved him and loved him and told myself that I could love him into loving me too.  That if I held on long enough and was a good enough friend to him that he would see how his platonic love for me was just a facade for his deeper feelings for me.  I could show him that the qualities he liked about me, he secretly loved about me.

And I did that thing we do where I decided that the next best thing to getting what you want is to be very nearby to what you want and watch it like an obsessive hawk.  It’s not actually the next best thing.  The next best thing is to leave.

And then he kissed me.  And it was like I was a ghost. I remember when I was younger someone told me that when you have sex with someone, you can feel how they feel about you.  That was what this kiss was like.  I could taste his lack of enthusiasm, smell his carelessness, hear the lack of excitement in his breath.

And I thought, “I’m exciting.  I’m awesome.  And if you’re not excited by me then I don’t want to be with you.”  And the moment I thought the words, they became true.

I realized that I would be happier letting go of someone who could never make me happy, than I would be if I forced him to placate me and try to love me.  I decided that his attempt at loving me wasn’t good enough and I gave up on him.  I just stopped caring.  Simple as that.  And I was freed.

Sometimes you have to give up the dream of a love with someone to make room for a reality of a love with someone else.  And that’s very much okay.

Whenever I tell this story people are sad for me.  But I’m not sad about it.  I’m not sad for what was lost because what I lost that day was something I don’t miss.  It’s not that I got tired of pushing the boulder up the mountain.  It’s that I stopped wanting the boulder to be on top of the mountain.  I took back the power that he neither wanted nor deserved.  And now that power belongs to someone who respects it.  Me.

It’s not really helpful to talk about because me telling you how wonderful this feeling is won’t help you achieve it.  I guess it’s just to say that it gets better.

It get’s awesome.

One Response to “I Am The Master Of My Fate And The Captain Of My Soul”

  1. Kaptions October 4, 2012 at 1:15 am #

    I think it’s weird how little this sentiment is expressed in, like, anything ever. We pay so much cultural attention to people who hang on for dear life to their old loves, and we think of it as beautiful and sweet; Snape, Rory the Centurion, stuff that’s more mainstream I suppose… Romeo and Juliet? That kind of “love” makes sense in fiction, where things are supposed to be dramatic and heightened because that’s how we get our kicks. Except generally we forget about how that’s actually fiction, it’s not real, it’s not how real people’s brains work or should work. I wish there were more people making a Big Cultural Thing about how when a relationship doesn’t work out, you can get used to it and become better because of it. Can we have more of that, please?

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