Can One Hang A Hat On A Vagina?

17 Mar

Today I read a Dan Savage column which (as always) touched me.  I can’t even cut it up it was just so good.

I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that’s always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was uncomfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn’t stop it at the time because I didn’t want to ruin it for him. It’s been some time, and my heart is still broken. I was completely down with every other aspect of the threesome, but I feel like a line was crossed. Am I wrong to feel hurt?


Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.

You are one stupid motherfucker.

Here’s how you’re a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condition—no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That’s a fairly common ground rule for first-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor that ground rule. But you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway.

Maybe you felt your wife’s no-penis-in-our-third’s-vagina ground rule was arbitrary. Maybe it seemed like a distinction without a difference—you were already sucking and fondling and kissing and rolling around, why should fucking be against the rules?—but it mattered to your GGG wife. And your wife consented to that threesome only after you agreed not to stick your penis in the other woman’s vagina. And when you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway, you stupid motherfucker, that threesome suddenly became a nonconsensual sexual experience for your wife. And now she feels violated.

Because you violated her.

Adding to her feelings of violation, she felt obligated to play along and pretend she was fine with your penis in the other woman’s vagina because she didn’t want to ruin the experience for you, for starters, and she probably didn’t want to make your third feel uncomfortable—a third who either didn’t know about the no-penis-in-her-vagina ground rule or knew about it and didn’t give a shit (which makes her a malicious motherfucker)—and as a result, your wife may feel complicit in her own violation. Talk about mind-fucks!

That’s how you’re a motherfucker. Here’s how you’re stupid: If you had demonstrated to your wife during your very first threesome that you could be trusted, if you had cheerfully observed the ground rules, this threesome would very likely have been the first in a whole series of sexual adventures. If you had kept your penis out of the other woman’s vagina, you stupid motherfucker, your wife might have trusted you with more and allowed you to do more during a future threesome. You might have gotten to penis-in-vagina intercourse with another woman with your wife’s enthusiastic consent!

To others out there with partners who have agreed to have a threesome: Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don’t use tongue when you kiss the other person, don’t use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the other person’s face but not in the hole[s] in the other person’s swimsuit area.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner’s boundaries—honoring those ground rules—sends a message: “I may be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first.”

And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their ground rules are going to be respected—once they see that their partners can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most—those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.

But that’s not gonna happen for you now, you stupid motherfucker, because you couldn’t honor your wife’s ground rules during your first—and most likely last—threesome. You violated her, you violated her trust, and you screwed yourself out of future sexual adventures. If you ever hope to have another threesome, or to realize some other sexual fantasy, or if your wife has a sexual fantasy that she would like to realize (one that you might enjoy helping her realize), you’re going to need to offer her a plausible explanation and an abject apology. (emphasis mine) [x]

I talk a lot about consent because it’s important.  Listening to/reading as many advice columns/shows as I do there are two themes that seem to run rampant.  The first is a trust issue – My SigFig did this and now I can’t trust them.  And the second is one partner wanting a more adventurous sex life – How can I convince my SigFig to do that.  

It seems to me like the two problems are more closely linked than most people give them credit.  Not that monogamish/non-exclusive relationships breed trust issues, in fact I think that when executed correctly they foster more trust than strict monogamous relationships in which both people know they’re harboring thoughts of others they’re afraid to voice to their partner.

Savage’s response made me think of another quote I read and loved lately.

…I’ve started to love the feeling of “coming home” to Rowdy after fooling around with someone else; it’s a wonderful warm thing to be able to say “I like going off and having adventures, but your dick is where I hang my hat.” (emphasis mine)[x]

To have sexual adventures with your non-primary partner obviously requires a high level of trust and the easiest way to build that trust is to show your partner at every step of the way “Yes, insert sexual adventure may be happening but you are where I hang my hat and that’s why I’m not going to go be a stupid mother*ucker and give you a reason not to trust me.”

Side note: It’s very interesting to write this knowing full well that my mother will be reading it proudly.  What a strange world we live in.

3 Responses to “Can One Hang A Hat On A Vagina?”

  1. Hunter April 17, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    Love Dan Savage!

  2. ΣΩΔ Persephone☿ (@TransgenderGyrl) September 24, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

    what a whore does she REALLY think she’s married? Phuqn loser husband is playing that crazy bitch…. sheesh

  3. ΣΩΔ Persephone☿ (@TransgenderGyrl) September 24, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

    huh…. female gazer has to okay each…..and every…. comment. Sounds like “she” is trying to ctrl the mindset of “her” readers. so sad…

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