Advice – Fly Misses Her Fruit

18 Dec

A friend (Hi J!) recently pointed out to me that I’ve been neglecting my advice giving lately so I went to the proverbial drawing board and plucked a few questions out of the internet’s top hat.  Enjoy.

Dear Margo: My best gay male friend recently admitted he’s in love with a woman, despite dating men his whole adult life without any bisexual inclinations. I can handle this sudden revelation, but I am deeply hurt and feel betrayed that it took him months to reveal this information. We’re extremely close and share the tiniest details of our lives. I noticed a behavior change several months ago and repeatedly asked him what it was. He always brushed me off.

He’s since begged my forgiveness, but I can’t move past the idea of his keeping this secret from me. I find myself so hurt that I can barely speak to him. And I’m not secretly in love with him. I’m gay, as well, and have no romantic interest in men. Where do I go from here? — Allie

The word betray can be a verb but in this case and many others betrayal isn’t about someone choosing to mutiny.  The more important definition of betray (unless you’re in a James Bond movie) is the feeling you get when a loved one does something you don’t understand.

My question would be why did you choose to keep this from me?’  Did you think I’d react poorly?  Did you think I wouldn’t accept you?  Did you want to chew on it a while and see if it felt right before announcing it to me and the world?

It sounds like maybe he started thinking these thoughts a while ago but didn’t want to blow a hole in his friendships and his personal identity by admitting them even to his closest friends.

It hurts to find out that our loved ones have lives outside of us but it would hurt even more to wake up in a few months to find that this friend isn’t a part of your life anymore and that it’s your own pride’s fault.

A friend of mine went through a really shoddy breakup recently and I encouraged her to see a professional to talk about it.  She couldn’t get over the feeling that going to therapy over a boy somehow made her weak.  When I saw a counselor I spent the whole time talking about a few key people, my family and 4 or 5 friends.  The people who are important to you can have different roles but they’re the most important people in your life for a reason and whether they are your spouse, child or the fag to your hag, they’re worth fighting to keep.

Take a few days to be mad and then go out for coffee, cry it out and ask the hard questions.  You’ll both be glad you did.

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