Advice – Bad Kissers

22 Jun

Help me out here! I very recently started a pretty successful flirtation with a friend of a friend. He is nice, smart, funny, and really into me so I would like for this problem to not be a total dealbreaker but if I can’t fix it then it kind of is. This weekend, after a very successful round of flirtatious texts and emails, I attended a party at his house. The party was fun and things went well and consequently we ended the night by making out in his backyard. And then…disaster. Dude, the kissing. It was terrible. Not just bad, terrible. The best way I can think to describe it is what it must be like to be pecked in face by a beakless chicken. Like, he was pecking at my face. He would dart in really fast and peck peck peck and then pull back really quickly. Then he would kind of dart in and stick his tongue in my mouth the pull back really quickly. Dart in peck peck peck, dart out. Dart in, tongue, dart out. Sometimes he would pull back really quickly and just kind of stare at me before peck peck pecking again. I tried to physically insinuate a better way of doing things. Tried to kiss him really slowly or keep my lips on his for longer. At one point I even went so far as to put my hand on the back of his neck to just keep him from darting in a out like that. It didn’t work, he just resisted all physical guidance and kept peck/dart/tongue/dart/pecking away. So I guess my question is … I have to actually say something about it, right? And seeing as how we don’t know each other all that well yet, is there a way to bring it up that would be minimally awkward/embarrassing for him? I mean, we’re both crowding 30. After a certain age you don’t really expect to encounter anyone who is this bad at kissing. And after a certain age it must suck extra bad to be told that you’re bad at kissing. So, how can I make this potential conversation suck less?


First of all I want to apologize to this lady for being put in this horrible situation.  Then I want her to thank her lucky stars that she’s a chick and not a dude.  Because my advice for handling this situation would not work were she a he.

What a fortunate world we live in that power play is sexy.  Thus, I will suggest this lady do something I did to a very unfortunate kisser once before.  Granted this was in high school but really do men ever change anyway?

So I was kissing a dude when I decided that putting up with more of his tongue was worse than being completely ostracized by him and his friends the next day.  So I hopped off his kitchen countertop, grabbed him by the hand and led him to the futon, sat him down on it and straddled him.  Then I announced without shame “I am going to teach you how to kiss.”  For a moment he was sort of taken aback, then I smiled so he knew this would be fun for him too and said “and when you do something I like you will be rewarded.”

“Don’t kiss me, just let me kiss you.”  This guy didn’t peck me to death so much as he just stabbed the inside of my mouth with his super pointy tongue.  So I kissed his lips nicely and gently and when he let out a pleased sigh I asked

“How did that feel?”


“Okay do that back to me.”

He did, it felt wonderful, so I told him so and rewarded him by taking off a piece of clothing.

This went on for however long and honestly was one of the most enjoyable make out sessions of my life (and his he said).

The best part is that we remained friends and I heard from him and other girls who kissed him before and after that the difference was amazing.  I don’t think I’m a particularly off the charts kisser but I knew how (using the amazing power of positive reinforcement!) to get him to do what I wanted using my words and my feminine wiles.

It would be unfortunate to foist this guy on a world of subsequent girls as is.  So give it a go.  Really what’s the worst that can happen?  He doesn’t call and peck you more?







Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: