Advice – Use It All

21 May

I am a 21-year-old female college senior who has been physically involved with a guy for about three months. In the beginning, he told me how he thought I was “girlfriend material” and made it seem like he wanted to pursue a relationship, but after a few weeks, it became clear to me that all he wanted from me was sex. I allowed this arrangement to continue, because with my busy class and work schedule, I don’t really have much time for a relationship either. All of a sudden, over the past couple of days, he has completely ignored me, started posting things on Facebook about having had an “epiphany” and realizing what the “true meaning of love is.” I texted him saying that it was OK if he had met someone new or if he just did not want to sleep with me anymore, but that I would have liked to have been made aware of this (reasonable, no?). But alas, he has not responded. I truly am happy for him if he has found someone new, because there really is no future for us, but I feel disrespected. I am also in the place I always find myself after something like this happens: depressed, lonely, and my self-esteem is crushed. Do you have any advice for me as to how I can deal with this kind of situation in the future so that I don’t feel so used?

— Used up

The first thing I want to address is the last thing you mention.  If you can’t stand the heat stop putting your head in the oven.  If you feel like crud after every purely sexual endeavor then you should stop having them.  It’s an unfortunate part of the world.  Some people are built for meaningless hook ups and some aren’t.  Neither group is better than the other, just different.  And the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself is figure out which group you belong in and continue to do what doesn’t make you miserable.

On the other hand it sounds like you weren’t in the wrong in this particular situation.  Yes this guy owes you an explanation –I tend to believe that once you’ve seen someone naked then you owe them an explanation (not an apology) any time you piss them off, rule of thumb– and I’ll bet you that as soon as the honeymoon period with this new girl is over he’ll fill you in.  He’s probably too busy lounging in bed with her to have even read your text.

Once his head is extracted from her thighs you might have an easier time passing on your well wishes.  Hopefully his new ‘epiphany’ of his isn’t controlling and can see you as just one of his friends offering sincere congratulations on their new love.

While I think he owes you an explanation (although really do you want one?  You know what it’s going to be) I wouldn’t hold my breath for it.  If he’s head over heels for someone else then his radar for other women’s feelings might be at an all time low.

Plus, this disregard for your feelings shows that he’s not such a great friend that you should care much about losing his attentions.  Move on.  There are better things ahead.

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