Your Pants Are On Fire

17 Mar

I hate being lied to.  The first experience I ever had where I really (really really) cared about someone, he let me believe he felt the same way and then one day I saw him chasing another girl around school apologizing to her and I never heard from him again.  It was like spending time with me was like him buying her the wrong type of milk at the store.  He didn’t think or feel about it, he just did what he did because he could and didn’t care.

And allowing me to believe that I was a person he cared about rather than a mistake he made was a lie, even by omission, that I don’t really know how to let go of.

I woke up the next morning and felt like every nice word he said was a falsehood meant to manipulate me into being a thing for him to take and use at his will.

To me there is nothing worse than realizing that the nice thing someone told you was meant to manipulate your emotions.  Was a ploy to make you… pliable…

Since then when I ask someone for their feelings I like to let them know that I’d rather hear the thing they think might hurt me rather than the thing they think I want to hear.  Because if you spend your whole life hearing what you want to hear then what have you heard but candy?  No substance, just fluff.

Maybe this means that I’m selling myself short by letting people off the hook of caring for me.  Perhaps the people involved would rather state a greater feeling and then feel compelled to live up to it.  Maybe I would get different results that way.  Or maybe I would just feel maliciously deceived all the time.

I know you have feelings left somewhere. But they’re all so hard to reach.

— I Wrote This For You: The Point Past Peak Feelings

I know I keep my feelings to myself until people prove they are trustworthy.  Maybe this hurts no one more than me.

Maybe I need someone to come along with a huge hammer made of love and crack this glass cage of truth I’ve built up around myself.

Only time will tell.  And then of course there’s hope.

One Response to “Your Pants Are On Fire”

  1. elenamusic March 18, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    Oh, I’ve been lied to several times by guys. I never really believe they’re lying to me at the time. But, with guys it’s ALL actions. If they stick around, if they call when they say they will, if they do things for you. Guys know what to say to girls to get what they want. It also takes time for someone to find someone special. If you’re “special” on the first night, run. They should get to know you slowly, and you have to access if they are full of it or not.

    Something I continually have to learn myself. I’m just an honest person, and it’s hard for me to fathom someone else who isn’t.

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