Clutching My Coffee And Calling Me Sugar

1 Feb

What if the person who loves you the most isn’t the person who loves you the best?

You hear all the time in movies how much someone loves someone else.  They’re catching grenades and throwing their hands on blades for each other.  And I believe in that.  I believe that you can feel so much for one person.

But loving them more than anything in the world doesn’t mean that you love them better than anyone else could.

A person can love you so much and yet do it so wrong.  Just because they love you doesn’t mean that they know how to love you.

Some people get so overwhelmed that the only way to express their love is to stare at their beloved really hard for a while, almost start crying and then bite his/her shoulder.  Yeah, so just trust me that everyone more or less equally sucks at figuring out how to love someone else.

Last night Corinna and I saw Blue Valentine and it’s about (spoilers!) a relationship crumbling.

(More spoilers ahead so stop reading if you want to see Ryan Gosling take his shirt off and be surprised, you ask for so much)

In the movie the couple got together pretty young.

Corinna and I debated whether the problem was their age or something else.

Corinna (who has had experience with love already) came into the debate anxious that the problem was their youth.

I took the side that the problem was that even though it was always clear that Mr. Gosling loved Ms. Williams more than anything else in the world, and perhaps more than anyone else in the world could have, the methods he had for showing it were not the ways she needed to hear it.

And loving her so much couldn’t make up for that fact.

I went on a trip with my aunt recently and she said that my uncle packed her bag full of power adapters and gps devices, emergency stuff just in case the car broke down or we got stuck in the airport overnight.  That’s what he does to show he loves her.  I’m sure she wishes he would just say it out loud more often, but he doesn’t like that.  He likes to show it in little ways.

And maybe the only reason why that works for them is that she knows after 30 years of marriage that he likes to show his love by pick up her dry cleaning so she doesn’t have to.

If you want to show me you care, stock your fridge with pulp free orange juice.  If you want to show Corinna you care you should give her a picture of the two of you on a bridge in a personally decorated frame.  If you want to show Aunt Chris you love her you should probably buy her jewelry.

The person you love wants something unique.  That person is different from anyone you’ve met, including yourself.  Don’t assume that they think a steak dinner is romantic because you think a steak dinner is romantic.  Find out what they want.  Because you love them and you want to know.  Right?

One Response to “Clutching My Coffee And Calling Me Sugar”

  1. Corinna February 3, 2011 at 7:11 pm #

    I’m still not so sure age is their problem either. I think it’s a really complicated situation involving victims of circumstance, uncoordinated personalities, yes, inexperience, and also, like you said, difficulty expressing love in the right ways (or not just treating each other like dirt). I think what’s scarier than identifying with their youth is identifying with their inability to ever predict what it will be like someday, maybe someday not so long from now, and how they will feel about and treat each other then.
    Also, I’m pretty sure I’m always on the other side of the handdecorated anything scenario. But that’s because that’s how I like to show love. I think it’s more complicated than just doing what the person you love wants you to do, because if I know that it means something to you to show love in a certain way, I can appreciate that just as much as long as it doesn’t hurt me or make me unhappy. Sometimes the surprise is good too. And sometimes it’s nice to get a sentimental out-of-the-blue text message, when that’s really all you wanted today anyway.

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