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My Feminism

28 Mar

When I was a kid my mom had a friend that always wanted “Better”. His microwave broke? Time to get the next size up. More features, more perks, more digital, more fancy. You know; “Better.”

At my house our oven broke and we got one the same size because a bigger one is actually an inconvenience. The iron broke and we got a smaller one because it was better at sleeves. But we had specific priorities. The oven had to be a specific height so dad didn’t have to lean over. We didn’t need the newest model, just the one that was wall mountable and the right width.

We got one that fit our lives. We were setting our own standards. What is important to me? What am I looking for from this? What are my priorities? Self-cleaning? Portable? Wireless?

It’s like how you don’t just go to the store and buy the biggest vibrator you can find. You figure out if what you want first. Is it a vibrator or a dildo? then you figure out what you’re looking for from it; intense rumbles or a big enough handle to rock it back and forth? Does the handle need to be comfortable from your vantage point or your partners? That’s why there are so freaking many options.

When I tell people I write a feminist blog sometimes they tell me something crazy; that some women just want to be mothers and I’m a big meanie for trying to dissuade them.

Hilarious. Quite the contrary. I don’t want everyone to run out and try to get the same life I want. That would be entirely too much competition. I want people to use their own standards and figure out their priorities and then go after the things they want. If that’s kids then great, if it’s presidency then great.

My feminism is about all people having access to the careers and options that make them happy regardless of their sex, gender, race, class, etc.

That’s why mandatory maternity leave for CEO’s is just as important as respecting the rights of caregivers.

I believe in a feminism that encourages all people to make the decisions and chase the dreams they find within themselves. We need to remember that housework is just as important as bread winning. As long as we consider child rearing petty ‘women’s work’, the patriarchy is winning. And we can’t have that now can we?

Kayden Kross is pregnant!

12 Mar

You guys! Let’s all wish Kayden Kross well on her new baby girl! Kayden Kross is a porn star and apparently a quite famous one at that. And my respect for her has grown even greater since reading her interview over at XOJane.

How do you deal with the haters, and the judgment of people who feel like porn stars shouldn’t have kids? To be honest, there are some cases where porn stars shouldn’t have kids. There are some cases where doctors shouldn’t have kids. It’s a matter of the person. Some people shouldn’t have kids. You have to have the resources. And I don’t mean you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t have money. I mean, if you don’t have the actual emotional resources, the things that you need to give a child so that he or she can grow up in an environment where he or she feels loved and respected—if you can’t provide that, don’t bring a fricking kid into the world! And I think there’s just a perception of what a porn star is. And we do push that perception, ‘cause that’s what we’re selling. But you think of a porn star as someone who is impulsive and just kind of does whatever at any cost and for any amount of attention, but you have to remember they’re doing this for a camera; they’re being paid to portray this character. But that tends to not translate to someone who might be very nurturing and stable for a young person. So I can see why the perception’s there, it’s just like… you can’t look at an actor and say, “Oh that person’s a bad person, didn’t you see this movie?”

It seems like some people might have a hard time with the whole porn-star-becomes-mom thing. Yeah, they kind of don’t mesh well. I remember when I first met porn stars, I was like, “You have kids? How do you do that?” But being around it, I got used to it. I mean, I was shocked when people started having kids just in general. People I went to high school with. You hear about it and you’re like, “Are you old enough for that? Is that OK?” Obviously there are gong to be things. Like, I’m not going to want her to dig through certain boxes in the garage. But on the other hand, there are so many worse things that I’m going to have to steer her through in life. I don’t know if you saw [our pet] bunny sitting in the window? This bunny is awesome. She’s six years old. Best-case scenario, she’ll live to be nine years old. So I’m gonna have this baby, she’s gonna be attached to this bunny, and right when she’s most attached, this rabbit’s going to keel over on her. I’m gonna have to explain death to a three-year-old.

Kayden Kross is one of the first Adult names I can remember remembering and it’s because of this (very, very NSFW #ThisIsPorn) video which I’m pretty sure I’ve linked to here before and which heavily influenced my bedroom predilections. When I talk about chatting and giggling in bed this is what I mean, when I talk about smiling and being silly and getting distracted by other things during a blowjob this is where I get it from. I sent this video to The Yankee and he agreed.

Kayden Kross gave my teenage self a lesson in not just blowjobs but self-acceptance and fun. She taught me how to express myself through loving things and that lesson has mapped itself across all aspects of my life for which I’m very grateful. I can actually trace part of my love of knitting back to that porn clip. I think she’ll make a great mom and I wish her all the best.

WonderLexi

17 Feb

I met a wonderful young woman at another wonderful young woman’s birthday party last week and she was telling me that she has two blogs too!

One about running and one about being a single mom.

Um, yes I’m interested in reading about both of those things (while not actually being even remotely interested in doing either myself).

Her baby blog is full of all the things you wish your mother told you and all the things you hope you remember when you have a tiny person to care for. And the things babies mean you can’t forget.

And her running blog is a reminder of the wonders of the human body. It’s resiliency. It’s fragility. And the beauty inherent in it.

If you’re looking for more reasons to love your body than I can provide go check her out.

Ladies Against Humanity

3 Feb

The other day I was playing Cards Against Humanity with some friends. Now, if you don’t know what Cards Against Humanity is then you should throw off the rock you live under and become a fun person.

However, the internet found a weakness in this, one of my personal favorite games. Apparently there are no women on the writing team for the game, so here are some suggestions made by the women of the internet. If you want to be my new favorite person feel free to have some of these printed up.

Princesses, Imperfections and Poop

24 Jan

My wonderful and incredibly talented friend just released the indiegogo page for her film project “Princess Business.”

You should all go check it out. It’s full of intelligent humor, Slings-And-Arrows-esque truths about “the biz.” and women admitting that they take dumps.

You should start with Episode 1 but I must admit that for deeply personal reasons Episode 6 is my absolute favorite and had me rolling around on my bedroom floor giggling and dropping bobby pins all over the place. Yeah, seriously.

First I have to tell you to go donate to the indiegogo page HERE because it’s the best investment in art that you’ll make any time soon.

And then I have to talk about the importance of women admitting that they poop in media.

In high school I had a best friend who was fond of saying “women don’t poop” in the same way that a sane person would say “humans are mammals.” You know, fact.

I never quite understood why she insisted that she didn’t poop (which would be disastrous. of course, anatomically speaking) but could clearly burp in front of her boyfriend which negated the “I want to keep the mystery alive” argument.

In the same way that I was told that if I couldn’t talk about birth control then I wasn’t mature enough to be having sex; if you can’t understand and honor the body of the person you’re sleeping with then you shouldn’t be sleeping with them.

Women poop, if you are too immature to handle that fact then you are too immature for women.

All living things excrete waste. If you’re not cool with the women you date pooping then would you prefer to date non-living things?

DONATE TO THE INDIEGOGO CAMPAIGN HERE.

Today is Christmas

25 Dec

But I’m a Jew.

I know I’ve posted this before but I don’t care.

Goldie Blox

9 Dec

I played with Goldie Blox! And it was awesome!

This Thanksgivukkah my littlest cousin turned six and finally decided that I was someone she could play with.

And at the same time she was gifted with Goldie Blox, which I dare say I was more excited about than she was.

So after we stuffed our faces with turkey I asked if we could play with her new toy and selected, instead of the sticker maker, the engineering toy.

Well, this time around I can tell you that she LOVED it. When we reached the end of the book and made the first machine design she wanted to make all the others in the back of the book including ones there weren’t diagrams for. She wanted to just figure it out together.

Go Goldie, Go!

Sasheer Zamata

4 Dec

I love Sasheer Zamata.

Everything she does is so funny.

I have a girl-crush.

She can do no wrong.

Even when she is just in a group she steals the show.

Even when she’s just an extra.

She’s so pretty. And funny. And smart.

Yay for ladies who rock.

Why I Sometimes Heed Eating Disorder Trigger Warnings

14 Oct

As a privileged young white woman in America I naturally have a number of friends who have had some sort of struggle with an eating disorder. In fact I recently started seeing a shrink and one of the first sort of funny moments we had together was during my first session. She cautiously asked me about my relationship with food and I told her that I eat it, I love to eat it and I feel no guilt whatsoever about eating it, and then I pulled out the wrapper from the chocolate croissant I had eaten on my way over there.

Compared to pretty much all of my peers my relationship with food is pretty insanely good (if only I could cook it).

And I know exactly how lucky that makes me. And I have a lot of people to thank for it because I know it is the result of some pretty conscious hard work from some people who love me (and food).

And as someone who benefitted from those people I feel like it’s my duty to pay it forward, and help other people not be afraid of food too. Because I wouldn’t be here without the people who took it upon themselves to make sure I saw them eating whole gallons of Cherry Garcia ice cream.

It’s important to talk about it, to think about how I got where I am and to hear from friends who have been less fortunate about their experiences, the potholes they fell in along the way and the triggers in pages of magazines and on red carpet shows.

A common thread I often found when talking to my friends about their ED’s was that they felt ashamed of not just their bodies being seen but also of all those negative thoughts about their bodies. And so it was harmful for me to shut down their negative self-talk without hearing it out first. It taught me that even when your thinking is disordered, the answer isn’t just replacing the words with healthier more accepting ones but sussing out why the negative words feel like the ones with greater fit.

Which leads to the question: If I feel so passionate about this then why do I sometimes have to not read them?

It’s not because I’m afraid of being triggered into skipping dinner. If I don’t eat dinner we’re going to have bigger problems.

It’s not because I don’t care about the fact that my friends are having a rough day and need to get the negative words out of their mouths so they’re not bouncing around their heads.

It isn’t even because I’m bored of the topic from spending every day watching it unfold, penetrating my friends, my family, noticing the tones in the voices of shopgirls as they try to sell me anti-cellulite lotions.

But every once in a while as I pass a friend bemoaning and apologizing that she can’t just be better, that everything is just so hard and so much, I get scared. Not that I’ll stop eating, but that some days everything is too hard and too much, and if I were to take that as an answer I’d be the biggest disappointment I could ever imagine being, to myself and to my family, to all the people who have leaned on me for that same support.

And so out of self-preservation (something else my shrink says I sometimes do too little of) I just press the skip button and continue on my merry way.

On the days where it’s all too much I cry for myself and for my losses, I cry for the friends who can’t just snap their fingers and eat pie guilt free, I cry for the friends stuck in jobs and cities and relationships and families where they aren’t happy or loved and I cry for the people in harms way, sick, injured or scared. On the days I cry I spend the entire day doing it. It’s exhausting and time consuming and god forbid it happens in the morning I better hope I have nothing else to do that day unless I schedule in a nap.

Everyone has days that are dark, obscure, and terrible. And you should live those days to their darkest, obscurest, and terrible-est. And then tomorrow enjoy the kittens.

Giving In To The Ladyness Of It All

4 Oct

Today I spoke to my best friend for the first time in about a very long week and against my better judgement I spent the whole hour covering the boy I’m trying to sleep with, the foundation I just bought, and how badly I needed to clean my kitchen instead of telling her about how I kicked butt and fixed a problem at work yesterday and am making all the moneys.

And then I felt guilty and immediately filled her in on those things too because I felt like a sorry excuse for a feminist.

I was reading this article this morning about the merits of some beauty rituals and it made me remember yet again that just because something is considered feminine doesn’t mean it’s bad for feminists. It’s a lesson I have to learn again and again and that I don’t think I’ll ever get to stop reminding myself of.

Today I finally had the morning off and I spent it painting my nails, cleaning my kitchen and catching up on Grey’s Anatomy.

And after a week and a half of 12-14-hour-days crawling through dusty spaces while wearing a headlamp, covered in electrical tape residue it felt amazing to give in to the smell of acetone and the sound of McDreamy.

On a related note: Glitter nail polish. Seriously, how great is it?

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