This morning I got a frantic call from a friend of mine who has two precocious and wonderful daughters aged 3 and 5. Her husband works a normal 9-5 job and she’s a freelancer. And when asked what mommy does the girls reply “Yoga.”
So she asked me for advice. “How do I show my girls that I work? I’m really upset and offended by the fact that they don’t get that.”
So here are my tips for her specific case.
Last night I went out to a bar and ended up dancing with some girls I met through work. They’re really lovely and we had a great time.
I’m a person who… tends to make anyone nearby look shy by comparison. Last night that thing happened that always happens. One of these women said she wanted to dance. I said, “Great, let’s go” and stood up. She got all flustered, “Oh, I can’t. You can. There are just so many people.”
I found us a clear spot to dance where we weren’t going to get knocked over or drinks spilled on us, I put our bags in a safe zone and then we started dancing with each other, jumping up and down singing dumb 90’s songs and being utterly ridiculous. And my favorite thing happened. By sheer force of happiness we started a big dance circle. I moved some tables out of the way and we ended up in a game of limbo with some guys nearby.
My new friends looked so beautiful and happy and comfortable. I know I’m an extreme extrovert and sometimes I have to stop myself from forcing my introverted friends to do things they don’t want to do. But when I see people I care about getting to have fun doing something they wouldn’t normally push themselves to do, it is my absolute favorite thing in the world.
I hope there are some other people (in addition to myself) who think this is the best thing ever.
Now that I’ve subscribed to Vagenda Magazine’s twitter I can tell you how much I’m in love with them.
The best part is that most of these “stories” could be retitled “Woman leaves house, doesn’t care if you want to have sex with her.” Which basically describes the lives of every woman I know.
And that feels damn good.
When I was a kid my mom had a friend that always wanted “Better”. His microwave broke? Time to get the next size up. More features, more perks, more digital, more fancy. You know; “Better.”
At my house our oven broke and we got one the same size because a bigger one is actually an inconvenience. The iron broke and we got a smaller one because it was better at sleeves. But we had specific priorities. The oven had to be a specific height so dad didn’t have to lean over. We didn’t need the newest model, just the one that was wall mountable and the right width.
We got one that fit our lives. We were setting our own standards. What is important to me? What am I looking for from this? What are my priorities? Self-cleaning? Portable? Wireless?
It’s like how you don’t just go to the store and buy the biggest vibrator you can find. You figure out if what you want first. Is it a vibrator or a dildo? then you figure out what you’re looking for from it; intense rumbles or a big enough handle to rock it back and forth? Does the handle need to be comfortable from your vantage point or your partners? That’s why there are so freaking many options.
When I tell people I write a feminist blog sometimes they tell me something crazy; that some women just want to be mothers and I’m a big meanie for trying to dissuade them.
Hilarious. Quite the contrary. I don’t want everyone to run out and try to get the same life I want. That would be entirely too much competition. I want people to use their own standards and figure out their priorities and then go after the things they want. If that’s kids then great, if it’s presidency then great.
My feminism is about all people having access to the careers and options that make them happy regardless of their sex, gender, race, class, etc.
That’s why mandatory maternity leave for CEO’s is just as important as respecting the rights of caregivers.
I believe in a feminism that encourages all people to make the decisions and chase the dreams they find within themselves. We need to remember that housework is just as important as bread winning. As long as we consider child rearing petty ‘women’s work’, the patriarchy is winning. And we can’t have that now can we?
You guys! Let’s all wish Kayden Kross well on her new baby girl! Kayden Kross is a porn star and apparently a quite famous one at that. And my respect for her has grown even greater since reading her interview over at XOJane.
How do you deal with the haters, and the judgment of people who feel like porn stars shouldn’t have kids? To be honest, there are some cases where porn stars shouldn’t have kids. There are some cases where doctors shouldn’t have kids. It’s a matter of the person. Some people shouldn’t have kids. You have to have the resources. And I don’t mean you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t have money. I mean, if you don’t have the actual emotional resources, the things that you need to give a child so that he or she can grow up in an environment where he or she feels loved and respected—if you can’t provide that, don’t bring a fricking kid into the world! And I think there’s just a perception of what a porn star is. And we do push that perception, ‘cause that’s what we’re selling. But you think of a porn star as someone who is impulsive and just kind of does whatever at any cost and for any amount of attention, but you have to remember they’re doing this for a camera; they’re being paid to portray this character. But that tends to not translate to someone who might be very nurturing and stable for a young person. So I can see why the perception’s there, it’s just like… you can’t look at an actor and say, “Oh that person’s a bad person, didn’t you see this movie?”
It seems like some people might have a hard time with the whole porn-star-becomes-mom thing. Yeah, they kind of don’t mesh well. I remember when I first met porn stars, I was like, “You have kids? How do you do that?” But being around it, I got used to it. I mean, I was shocked when people started having kids just in general. People I went to high school with. You hear about it and you’re like, “Are you old enough for that? Is that OK?” Obviously there are gong to be things. Like, I’m not going to want her to dig through certain boxes in the garage. But on the other hand, there are so many worse things that I’m going to have to steer her through in life. I don’t know if you saw [our pet] bunny sitting in the window? This bunny is awesome. She’s six years old. Best-case scenario, she’ll live to be nine years old. So I’m gonna have this baby, she’s gonna be attached to this bunny, and right when she’s most attached, this rabbit’s going to keel over on her. I’m gonna have to explain death to a three-year-old.
Kayden Kross is one of the first Adult names I can remember remembering and it’s because of this (very, very NSFW #ThisIsPorn) video which I’m pretty sure I’ve linked to here before and which heavily influenced my bedroom predilections. When I talk about chatting and giggling in bed this is what I mean, when I talk about smiling and being silly and getting distracted by other things during a blowjob this is where I get it from. I sent this video to The Yankee and he agreed.
Kayden Kross gave my teenage self a lesson in not just blowjobs but self-acceptance and fun. She taught me how to express myself through loving things and that lesson has mapped itself across all aspects of my life for which I’m very grateful. I can actually trace part of my love of knitting back to that porn clip. I think she’ll make a great mom and I wish her all the best.